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You Won't Believe What They're Doing To Your Favorite Sport

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Nov 21, 2015

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You Won't Believe What They're Doing To Your Favorite Sport
You Won't Believe What They're Doing To Your Favorite Sport thumb You Won't Believe What They're Doing To Your Favorite Sport thumb You Won't Believe What They're Doing To Your Favorite Sport thumb

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  • ABOUT THE NEWS, I LIKE TALKING ABOUT MOVIE STARS AND STUFF LIKE
  • THAT, BUT I'VE GOT A SHOCK ADMISSION.
  • I LIKE TALKING ABOUT SPORTS, BUT I'M NOT PARTICULARLY ATHLETIC.
  • I'M MORE GRACEFUL.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T PLAY A LOT OF SPORTS
  • WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
  • IN FACT, ON OUR FIRST DATE-- AND THIS IS A TRUE STORY--
  • MY WIFE ASKED ME IF I PLAY ANY SPORTS.
  • I SAID, "I PLAY A FAIR AMOUNT OF HACKY SACK."
  • AND YET, AND YET, SHE WENT ON A SECOND DATE WITH ME.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS A KEEPER.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TA-PING.
  • I STILL GOT IT.
  • BUT I DO LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS ON THE SHOW HERE.
  • AND I WILL COVER EVERY SPORT THAT I CAN SHOW WITHOUT GETTING
  • SUED OVER LICENSING FEES, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY DOESN'T LEAVE A
  • LOT, MOSTLY FISH SOCCER AT THIS POINT.
  • THAT IS A RIDICULOUS SPORT.
  • THEY NEVER SCORE THAT MUCH IN REAL SOCCER.
  • SO TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT AMERICA'S FASTEST GROWING SPORT
  • THAT INVOLVES SLIDING ROCKS ON FROZEN WATER--
  • CURLING.
  • FROSTY CHESS!
  • ICE ROAD SWEEPIN'!
  • AND BROOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!
  • NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE YET TO JOIN THE CURL-SQUAD,
  • LEMME BREAK DOWN THE COMPLEXITIES OF THE GAME:
  • ONE PERSON THROWS A ROCK ACROSS THE ICE WHILE TWO OTHERS RUB
  • BROOMS IN FRONT OF IT, AND YOU'RE ALL CAUGHT UP.
  • BUT THAT COULD CHANGE NOW.
  • YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF CANADIAN NEWS.
  • >> FOR CENTURIES, THE ESESPECIALLY OF CURLING HAS
  • REMAINED THE SAME, BUT NEW BROOMS COULD CHANGE THIS ANCIENT
  • SPORT.
  • THIS WEEK, 22 ELITE TEAMS ANNOUNCED THEY REFUSE TO USE
  • THEM.
  • >> A CONTROVERSIAL PROTOTYPE CAN PUT AN EXTREME CURL ON A ROCK
  • USING A SO-CALLED DIRECTIONAL FABRIC ON THE BRUSH.
  • >> Stephen: PERFORMANCE-ENHANCE BROOMS.
  • THIS IS ONE SPORTS CONTROVERSY YOU CAN'T JUST SWEEP UNDER THE
  • RUG.
  • I BRISTLE AT THE IDEA!
  • I TRY TO BRUSH OFF THE ALLEGATIONS ALL YOU WANT, BUT
  • THIS SORT OF THING DOESN'T HAPPEN IN A VACUUM!
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS COULD BE THE BIGGEST
  • CURLING SCANDAL SINCE THE MINNESOTA STATE CHAMPIONS WERE
  • CAUGHT PLAYING NOT DRUNK.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO REPORTS THESE
  • "ICEPAD" BROOMS REPEL WATER BETTER, ALLOWING SWEEPERS TO
  • CAREFULLY MANIPULATE THE ROCKS "AS IF THEY WERE CONTROLLED BY
  • JOYSTICKS."
  • IT'S AMAZING.
  • THIS MEANS SOON CURLING MIGHT TAKE AS MUCH ATHLETICISM AS
  • PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.
  • AND I'M ALL READY.
  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
  • NO ONE SAW THIS COMING, BECAUSE NO ONE WATCHES CURLING.
  • BUT THESE BROOMS FIRST SWEPT TO PROMINENCE ON THE CANADIAN
  • VERSION OF "SHARK TANK," CALLED "DRAGON'S DEN."
  • BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THERE ARE NO SHARKS IN CANADA, BUT IT IS
  • INFESTED WITH DRAGONS.
  • >> THEY SHOWED OFF A SLICK DEMO.
  • >> GOD, THAT'S GOOD.
  • >> SUPER FAST.
  • >> DO YOU SEE HOW LIGHT IT IS?
  • >> LOVE IT!
  • >> AND I DO HAVE REALLY GOOD CONNECTIONS IN CURLING.
  • >> VERY GOOD.
  • WE'LL TAKE YOUR DEAL THEN.
  • >> WITH THAT, THE ICEPAD SCORED A ROCK SOLID INVESTMENT.
  • >> Stephen: GETTING FINANCING FOR A CURLING BROOM MIGHT SEEM
  • LIKE A LONG SHOT -- BUT REMEMBER, THIS IS CANADIAN
  • "SHARK TANK."
  • BUT MANY TRADITIONAL CURLERS ARE CALLING FOUL, OR WHATEVER THEY
  • CALL IT IN CURLING.
  • WILLYNICKLE.
  • I DON'T KNOW.
  • ANYWAY, THESE GUYS DON'T LIKE IT.
  • >> SOME OF THE BROOMS THAT HAVE BEEN MADE NOW, YOU WOULD BE ABLE
  • NEVER HAVING CURLED IN YOUR LIFE TO WALK OUT THERE AND HAVE A
  • ROCK BACK UP FOUR FEET.
  • >> IS THAT WHAT WE REALLY WANT FOR THE TRUE INTEGRITY OF THE
  • GAME?
  • >> AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME IS
  • SOMETHING WE'RE TRYING TO PROTECT.
  • >> Stephen: I'M WITH GERRY GUERTZ HERE, WHO I DON'T HAVE TO
  • TELL YOU IS FROM THE WORLD CURL TOUR.
  • THE WORLD.
  • THIS GUY IS CURLING IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA.
  • YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE TO BE TO SLIDE SAY STONE IN NAMIBIA.
  • GER SERIGHT, WITHOUT INTEGRITY, THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE USING THE
  • MANITOBA ROCK FOR A TAKEOUT IT WILL BE MEANINGLESS.
  • YOU CAN'T LETTURALLING BE OVERTAKEN BY WHOEVER CAN AFFORD
  • THE FANCIEST BROOM.
  • THAT'S WHAT DESTROYED QUIDDITCH.
  • DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK QUIDDITCH PLAYER CEDRIC
  • DIGGORY.
  • OH, YOU CAN'T BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!
  • THINK ABOUT IT.
  • I DIDN'T KILL HIM.
  • AND I'M NOT ALONE.
  • BECAUSE JUST THIS WEEK, THE WORLD CURLING FEDERATION STEPPED
  • IN AND BANNED ANY BROOMS USING WATERPROOFED FABRIC AND
  • "STIFFENING" INSERTS.
  • NOW, I AGREE WITH THAT RULING, THOUGH I'M NOT 100% SURE WHAT
  • "STIFFENING INSERTS" DO.
  • I'VE BEEN ASSURED I DON'T NEED THEM.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE POINT IS-- THE POINT IS.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY.
  • THE POINT IS, I'M A CURLING PURIST.
  • AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, IT'S ALL GONE DOWNHILL EVER SINCE
  • THEY STARTED PLAYING INDOORS.
  • I PREFER THE ORIGINAL 16TH CENTURY SCOTTISH RULES-- JUST A
  • GROUP OF GUYS ON A FROZEN POND, HURLING FLAT-BOTTOMED RIVER
  • STONES, THEN PROBABLY FALLING THROUGH THE ICE.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHOEVER DOESN'T DIE, WINS.
  • NOW THAT'S A SPORT.

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Description

A scandal is rocking the world of professional Curling, and as a purist, Stephen is concerned.

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