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Who Is Stephen Colbert?

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11:04   |   Sep 29, 2015

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Who Is Stephen Colbert?
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  • >> Stephen: FOLKS, I'M FOUR WEEKS INTO DOING THIS SHOW AND
  • I'VE GOT TO SAY, IT'S PRETTY FUN (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
  • WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT?
  • IT'S THE FIRST TIME THAT I -- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME --
  • IT'S THE FIRST TIME I, THE REAL STEPHEN COLBERT, HAVE EVER BEEN
  • ON TELEVISION, AND IT FEELS GOOD!
  • I FEEL IMPORTANT!
  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I DO!
  • NOW I UNDERSTAND HOW THAT OTHER GUY GOT SUCH A HUGE EGO.
  • (LAUGHTER) BUT I AM MYSELF NOW, AND LOSING
  • THE CHARACTER LEAVES ONE FRIGHTENING EXISTENTIAL
  • QUESTION -- >> WHO IS STEPHEN COLBERT IS THE
  • BIG QUESTION HERE, RIGHT?
  • WHAT CHARACTER WILL HE PLAY?
  • WILL HE PLAY HIMSELF?
  • >> THE QUESTION EVERYONE IS ASKING IS WHAT WILL THE REAL
  • STEPHEN COLBERT BE LIKE.
  • >> STEPHEN COLBERT DOESN'T REALLY HAVE A PERSONALITY, THAT
  • I KNOW OF.
  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
  • >> Stephen: OF COURSE, I HAVE A PERSONALITY!
  • MY MANY INTERESTS INCLUDE PASSIONS AND HOBBIES, SUCH AS
  • LISTING MY INTERESTS.
  • THE POINT, IS FOR OVER A YEAR, NOW, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING,
  • WHO ARE YOU?
  • I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT QUESTION SO MANY TIMES SINCE I CRASHED THE
  • ROYAL BABY SHOWER.
  • (LAUGHTER) THE ANSWER I GAVE THEN WAS
  • DUCHESS LADY CUMBERBATCH OF KING'S LANDING!
  • (APPLAUSE) TO ULTIMATELY ANSWER THIS VERY
  • PERM QUESTION, I HAVE BEEN ON A QUEST OF SELF-DISCOVERY.
  • FIRST, I GOOGLED STEPHEN COLBERT INNER SELF, AND WHAT I GOT WAS A
  • PICTURE I CANNOT SHOW YOU, AND THAT MY DOCTOR SHOULD NOT HAVE
  • TWEETED.
  • THEN I TOOK A BUNCH OF PERSONALITY TESTS, THE MINNESOTA
  • MULTIFACIC, THE JONESSEN O'CONNOR AND BUZZ FEEDS WHICH
  • LATE NIGHT TV SHOW ARE YOU?
  • IT TURNS OUT, I'M A KIMMEL.
  • (LAUGHTER) BUT THE MOST DEFINITIVE IS THE
  • MYERS BRIGGS DEVELOPED BY A MOTHER-DAUGHTER TEAM BAILS ON
  • THE WORK OF KARL YOUNG FEATURING PIT BULL.
  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
  • IT'S THE KIND OF TEST YOUR PARENTS PAY FOR YOU TO TAKE WHEN
  • YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE BUT DON'T HAVE A JOB YET TO SEE WHAT SORT
  • OF PROFESSION THEY SHOULD FORCE YOU TO BECOME.
  • AND THE TEST DIVIDES HUE PLANT INTO 16 PERSONALITIES.
  • SO WHICH OF THESE 16 PERSONALITIES AM I?
  • I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WILL HIRE A CAMERA CREW TO FIND OUT.
  • IN THIS, THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF WHO KNOWS HOW MANY PARTS
  • STEPHEN COLBERT'S WHO AM ME!
  • ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
  • >> JULIE GROSS, MASTER PRACTITIONER OF THE MYERS-BRIGGS
  • PERSONALITY ASSESSMENT DROPPED BY MY OFFICE TO ADMINISTER THE
  • TEST.
  • PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
  • >> PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
  • >> Stephen: IF I TEST POSITIVE DO I HAVE TO CALL ALL MY FORMER
  • LOVERS AND TELL THEM TO BE TESTED, TOO?
  • >> IN OUR DISCUSSION, IT'S ONLY THE TWO OF US NOW.
  • IT'S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHETHER YOU WANT TO SHARE THE RESULTS
  • WITH ANYONE ELSE.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY.
  • LET ME MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND THIS.
  • YOU OFFER 16 DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES, AND I GET TO PICK
  • THE ONE I LIKE?
  • >> NO.
  • YOU TAKE AN ASSESSMENT OF 144 QUESTIONS, AND THE RESULTS OF
  • THE ASSESSMENT INDICATE WHERE YOU STAND ON THE SCALES AND THAT
  • DETERMINES YOUR PERSONALITY TYPE.
  • >> Stephen: WHAT IF WE FIND OUT I DON'T HAVE A PERSONALITY.
  • >> IT IS SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO HAVE NO PERSONALITY.
  • >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER MET RYAN SECREST?
  • >> NO.
  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
  • I WOULD BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY HIS PERSONALITY.
  • >> Stephen: IF YOU COULD STAY AWAKE.
  • WHAT PERSONALITY WILL I GET?
  • >> THE PERSONALITY YOU WERE MEANT TO HAVE.
  • >> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY I WANT TO BE MYSELF BUT WHAT APPEALS TO
  • 18 TO 34-YEAR-OLD MALES WITH DISPOSABLE INCOME?
  • WHAT WOULD THEY LIKE AND I WOULD BE THAT.
  • >> BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE WANT TO SEE THE REAL YOU.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY.
  • I WOULD LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT THESE DRAWINGS THAT ILLUSTRATE
  • THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE PREFERENCES.
  • >> Stephen: SO THE EXTROVERT, IS HE LOVING LIFE EVEN THOUGH HE
  • HAS ARMS LIKE A TYRANNOSAURUS REX?
  • >> YES.
  • (LAUGHTER) WHEREAS AN INTROVERT WOULD
  • PREFER TO BE IN HIS OWN QUIET WORLD OF REFLECTION.
  • >> Stephen: I'M AN EXTROVERT IN THE STREETS BUT AN INTROVERT
  • IN THE SHEETS.
  • OKAY?
  • ONCE WE'RE DONE AND DIRTY I'M, LIKE, I'VE GOT THIS ONE, YOU CAN
  • GO.
  • >> THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT, STEPHEN.
  • >> Stephen: YES.
  • THIS IS INTUITIVE.
  • >> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE INTUITION
  • GUY THERE?
  • >> CERTAINLY.
  • >> Stephen: IS HE GETTING AN IDEA OR THINKING ABOUT A LIGHT
  • BULB?
  • >> WHICH DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING?
  • >> Stephen: I THINK HE'S EDISON.
  • I THINK HE'S GOT AN IDEA AND THE IDEA IS THE LIGHT BULB.
  • WAS EDISON INTUITIVE?
  • >> EXCELLENT!
  • YES!
  • (LAUGHTER) OKAY.
  • STEPHEN, NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO CONDUCT THE ASSESSMENT WITH YOU.
  • >> Stephen: G.E.D.
  • O, IN A LARGE GROUP, DO YOU MORE OFTEN INTRODUCE OTHERS OR
  • GET INTRODUCED?
  • >> I GET INTRODUCED BECAUSE I'M FAMOUS.
  • >> Stephen: WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T?
  • WHAT IF YOU WENT TO -- >> HOLD ON A SECOND.
  • THAT JUST ROCKED ME BACK ON MY HEELS.
  • WHY AREN'T I FAMOUS, JULIE?
  • IN YOUR NIGHTMARE SCENARIO, HAVE I BEEN CANCELED?
  • >> YOU'RE IN A SMALL VILLAGE.
  • >> Stephen: SOMEPLACE THAT DOESN'T HAVE TELEVISION?
  • >> EXACTLY.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY.
  • THEN I WOULD INTRODUCE MYSELF.
  • >> ARE YOU MORE ATTRACTED TO A PERSON WITH A QUICK AND
  • BRILLIANT MIND OR A PRACTICAL PERSON WITH A LOT OF COMMON
  • SENSE?
  • >> Stephen: I'M FLATTERED, BUT I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.
  • LET'S BE PROFESSIONAL ABOUT THIS, JULIE.
  • WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
  • >> SO, STEPHEN -- >> Stephen: SO, JULES --
  • ARE PEOPLE MORE LIKELY TO DESCRIBE YOU AS A PROCRASTINATOR
  • OR TOO IMPATIENT?
  • >> Stephen: CAN WE DO THIS LATER?
  • >> IT'S THE LAST ONE.
  • >> Stephen: THEN LET'S NOT GET TO IT.
  • >> OKAY.
  • >> Stephen: IS THIS SCORED BY A COMPUTER?
  • >> YES, IT IS.
  • AND I WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A FULL REPORT.
  • ♪ >> COLBERT'S RESULTS ARE IN!
  • STEPHEN, I HAVE A VERY COMPREHENSIVE REPORT.
  • >> Stephen: SO WHAT AM I?
  • COULD I HAVE A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE?
  • (DRUM ROLL) >> YOU ARE AN I.N.F.P.
  • >> Stephen: S.T.F.U.
  • SO IS THAT A GOOD ONE.
  • >> INTRO VERSION INTUITION AND FEELING.
  • IT'S TYPICALLY THE MOST BRILLIANT, CREATIVE,
  • INTELLECTUAL MIND.
  • (APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: BRILLIANT,
  • CREATIVE INTELLECTUAL MINDS -- >> WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
  • >> Stephen: NOT TOO SHABBY.
  • YOU KNOW, WHAT HE DID TO JOHNNY DEPP --
  • >> JOHNNY DEPP IS ANOTHER.
  • >> Stephen: WHAT!
  • YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP!
  • REALLY!
  • >> SOMETIMES YOU ARE ATTACKED TO SOMEONE OF YOUR TYPE.
  • WHY?
  • >> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING I'M ATTRACTED TO JOHNNY DEPP.
  • >> WHY, BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: PART OF THIS IS
  • ABOUT LIFESTYLE, BUT I NEVER SAID I WAS ATTRACTED TO JOHNNY
  • DEPP.
  • WHAT'S MY DARK UNDERBELLY?
  • >> SO, STEPHEN, YOU ARE SO WARM, YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY WARM
  • PERSON.
  • THERE'S JUST A LITTLE ASPECT OF IT WHICH IS --
  • >> Stephen: HERE IT COMES.
  • -- IT'S PASSIBLE -- I'M NOT SAYING IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
  • >> Stephen: MM-HMM.
  • OME PEOPLE SOMETIMES MAY NOT SEE THAT WARM ASPECT OF YOUR
  • PERSONALITY.
  • >> Stephen: (BLEEP).
  • BECAUSE OF -- >> Stephen: (BLEEP).
  • THAT'S ANOTHER FOUR LETTER WORD I'D RATHER NOT USE.
  • >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE.
  • NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
  • WHAT I WOULD SAY IS -- >> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO
  • SHAKE THIS ONE OFF FOR A SECOND.
  • MAN, THAT WAS A ROUND HOUSE PUNCH.
  • YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING?
  • THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT PEOPLE?
  • >> YES, THEY WANT THE TRUTH.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY.
  • ALL RIGHT.
  • OKAY.
  • OKAY.
  • HERE'S THE TRUTH.
  • I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO JOHNNY DEPP.
  • OKAY?
  • AND I'M NOT ASHAMED OF IT.
  • >> YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
  • >> Stephen: YEAH, WE DO.
  • I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
  • >> Stephen: WE'RE BOTH VERY PALE.
  • (LAUGHTER) AND WE BOTH LOOK GOOD DRESSED UP
  • AS PIRATES.
  • >> KEEP THAT IN MIND.
  • >> Stephen: I DON'T FLAUNT IT.
  • I.N.F.P., IT'S LIKE DO LOTS OF PEOPLE LIKE US?
  • >> YES, IF YOU BECOME SO IN TUNED WITH WHO YOU TRULY ARE AND
  • FEEL COMFORTABLE ACTING AUTHENTICALLY, THEN YOU WILL
  • RECEIVE THAT LOVE.
  • >> Stephen: SO I HAVE TO BE MYSELF FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE ME?
  • >> YES.
  • THAT'S TRUE LOVE.
  • FOR SOMEONE TO ACCEPT YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU WITH ALL OF YOUR
  • STRENGTHS, POSSIBLE BLIND SPOTS, BUT IN ALL OF YOUR GLORY.
  • >> Stephen: AND THEY WILL?
  • YES, BECAUSE YOU HAVE ENORMOUS STRENGTH.
  • IT'S GOING TO BE THE MOST GLORIOUS NEW TV SHOW IN HISTORY.
  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.
  • THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW I AM AN I.N.F.P.
  • GET READY FOR ME TO BE ALL UP IN YOUR FACE!
  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELL, WHOEVER ME AM, WE'LL BE
  • RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN LEGEND!

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Description

There has been a lot of speculation in the media on who "the real Stephen Colbert" is, so Stephen set out to answer the question for himself... whoever himself is.

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