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Weekend Update: Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day - SNL

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00:00   |   Oct 12, 2019

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Weekend Update: Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day - SNL
Weekend Update: Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day - SNL thumb Weekend Update: Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day - SNL thumb Weekend Update: Trump Loses Five Court Cases in One Day - SNL thumb

Transcription

  • >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
  • MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
  • >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
  • GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
  • I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
  • ACCORDING TO A FOX NEWS POLL 51% OF AMERICANS SUPPORT IMPEACHING
  • PRESIDENT TRUMP. YOU KNOW IT'S BAD FOX NEWS
  • BARELY TALKS ABOUT THEIR OWN POLL.
  • I SLIPPED TO FOX NEWS THEY WERE DECORATING CAKES.
  • MEANWHILE, CNN I SAW THIS HEADLINE.
  • TRUMP LOSES FIVE COURT CASES IN ONE DAY DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM
  • GIULIANI AND I COULDN'T READ ANYMORE.
  • ALWAYS BAD WHEN CNN MOVES TO A SMALLER FOPT TO FIT IT ALL IN
  • AND DEFINITELY GETTING WORSE BECAUSE OF THESE TWO.
  • IGOR FRUMAN AND LEV PARNAS SOMEHOW NOT KILLED BY JOHN
  • WICK -- WERE ARRESTED IN DULLES AIRPORT
  • IN WASHINGTON FOR ALLEGEDLY FUNNELING RUSSIAN MONEY TO THE
  • TRUMP CAMPAIGN WHICH AS YOU MIGHT HAVE GUESSED IS VERY
  • ILLEGAL. AND BEFORE TRUMP SAYS, "YOU
  • KNOW, I DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE GUYS," HERE'S A QUICK SLIDE SHOW
  • I PUT TOGETHER. ♪ THE BOYS ARE BACK
  • IN TOWN THE BOYS ARE BACK ♪
  • ♪ IN TOWN I SAID THE BOYS ARE BACK
  • IN TOWN ♪♪♪ >> GOD, THEY PHOTOGRAPH WELL.
  • GIULIANI'S TWO ASSOCIATES ARE ALSO VERY SUCCESSFUL
  • ENTREPRENEURS. IGOR, THE HANDSOME ONE, OWNS A
  • CLUB IN UKRAINE THAT'S CALLED MAFIA RAVE, WHICH I THINK COUNTS
  • AS A FULL CONFESSION. AND THEN LEV, THE SHY ONE, I
  • SWEAR TO YOU OWNS A SECURITY BUSINESS CALLED, FRAUD
  • GUARANTEE. WHICH IS COINCIDENTALLY WHAT
  • MEANS CHANGE THIS TO SIX. >> FIRST OF ALL, BRAVO TO THE
  • CASTING AGENCY THAT FOUND THESE TWO --
  • I MEAN THEY LOOK LIKE THEY USE VODKA AS COLOGNE.
  • THESE GUYS HAVE DEFINITELY WORN TRACK SUITS TO THEIR DAUGHTER'S
  • WEDDING. THESE ARE EASY JOKES BUT I'M
  • SURPRISED THESE GUYS WERE HELPING THE PRESIDENT AND I
  • DON'T, I DON'T KNOW, HELPING GEORGE COSTANZA GET A FROGGER
  • MACHINE ACROSS THE STREET. >> SO HOW IS TRUMP HANDLING THIS
  • IMPEACHMENT? WELL, I WOULD SAY NOT GREAT
  • BASED ON WHAT HE DID AT HIS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RALLY ON
  • THURSDAY. THIS IS AN ACTUAL HEADLINE ABOUT
  • THE RALLY. TRUMP APPEARS TO DO
  • IMPRESSION OF FBI AGENTS HAVING SEX."
  • AND I THOUGHT, "WELL, THAT'S GOT TO BE AN EXAGGERATION.
  • RIGHT?" THEN I SAW THE CLIP.
  • >> I LOVE YOU, PETER. I LOVE YOU, TOO, LISA.
  • LISA, I -- LISA, LISA, OH, GOD. I LOVE YOU, LISA.
  • >> FIRST OF ALL, HE'S KILLING. LIKE, THE AUDIENCE LOVES IT.
  • I'M ACTUALLY JEALOUS. THE RALLY WAS LIKE "SHOWTIME AT
  • THE APOLLO" EXCEPT, YOU KNOW, OPPOSITE.
  • ALSO, THE CROWD IS LAUGHING ALONG LIKE THEY HAVE ANY IDEA
  • WHO THESE TWO FBI ACTS ARE. I BET TRUMP'S IMPRESSION OF
  • THOSE TWO AGENTS ARE ABOUT AS ACCURATE AS MY IMPRESSION OF
  • PETE BUTTIGIEG. >> DEMOCRATS ARE CALLING
  • PRESIDENT TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO WHICH TRUMP
  • RESPONDED, "YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAD NO IDEA.
  • AND I'M SORRY." I'M JUST KIDDING.
  • YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T RIGHT. DO YOU THINK AFTER THIS WHOLE
  • IMPEACHMENT THING IS OVER WE CAN JUST TAKE A YEAR OFF?
  • JUST TO CLEAR OUR HEADS. YOU KNOW, NOT RUSH INTO SOMEONE
  • ELSE HORRIBLE? RIGHT NOW MY STANDARDS ARE SO
  • LOW, I SAW BERNIE SANDERS HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND I WAS LIKE,
  • "MAYBE HIM!" I MEAN WE CAN AFFORD A BREAK.
  • RIGHT? WE'RE A FIRST WORLD COUNTRY.
  • WHY DON'T JUST TAKE SOME OF THAT OLD FREE COTTON MONEY AND COAST
  • FOR A YEAR UNTIL WE GET OUR GROOVE BACK?
  • [ LAUGHTER ] DID I JUST MAKE EVERYONE --
  • CAN'T SAY COTTON MONEY ON NBC? >>> TRUMP EXPLAINED HIS DECISION
  • TO WITHDRAW TROOPS FROM NORTHERN SYRIA AND LEAVE OUR KURDISH
  • ALLIES UNDEFENDED SAYING THAT THE KURDS DIDN'T HELP US IN THE
  • SECOND WORLD WAR. THOUGH WITH WORLD WAR II, IT'S
  • HARD TO KNOW WHAT TRUMP MEANS BY "US."
  • >>> IN OTHER FOREIGN NEWS, STRIKING AND KILLING A TEENAGER
  • DRIVING ON THE ROENG WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, PRESIDENT TRUMP
  • SAID THIS. >> AND THE WOMAN WAS DRIVING ON
  • THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD AND THAT CAN HAPPEN.
  • THOSE'SES OPPOSITE ROADS. IT HAPPENS.
  • I WON'T SAY IT EVER HAPPENED TO ME, BUT IT DID.
  • >> IT DID HAPPEN TO YOU? I'M SORRY.
  • DID YOU JUST CONFESS TO VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER?
  • OR IS HE PRETENDING HE EVER DROVE A CAR?
  • >> CNN HELD AN EQUALITY TOWN HALL WITH NINE OF THE DEMOCRATIC
  • PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ANSWERING QUESTIONS
  • ABOUT THEIR VIEWS ON LGBTQ ISSUES.
  • AND I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY COOL.
  • MAYOR PETE DID EXCEPTIONALLY WELL.
  • I'VE HEARD PEOPLE ASK HIM, "IS AMERICA READY TO HAVE THEIR
  • FIRST GAY PRESIDENT?" BUT I SAY, "THERE'S NO WAY WE
  • HAVEN'T ALREADY OUR FIRST GAY PRESIDENT."
  • WE'VE PICKED 45 GUYS IN A ROW. THE BETTER QUESTION IS, WHICH
  • ONE? MY GUESS IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
  • BECAUSE HE GOT SHOT AT THE THEATER.
  • THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD WAY TO GO. I BET JOHN WILKES BOOTH WAS
  • LIKE, "I KNOW WHERE THAT -- IS. HE'S PROBABLY WATCHING --
  • "KINKY BOOTS" AGAIN. >> JOE BIDEN -- JOE BIDEN FOR
  • THE FIRST TIME CALLED FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP TO BE IMPEACHED
  • AND REMOVED FROM OFFICE AFTER HE FINALLY REALIZED THAT THE
  • JOE BIDEN TRUMP KEEPS ATTACKING WAS HIM.

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Description

Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che tackle the week's biggest news, like Rudy Giuliani's associates Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman getting arrested.

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