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Weekend Update on Church's Celibacy Rule - SNL

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Mar 05, 2017

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Weekend Update on Church's Celibacy Rule - SNL
Weekend Update on Church's Celibacy Rule - SNL thumb Weekend Update on Church's Celibacy Rule - SNL thumb Weekend Update on Church's Celibacy Rule - SNL thumb

Transcription

  • DESPITE CLAIMING NO DIRECT INVOLVEMENT
  • INVOLVEMENT, THERE ARE STILL ETHICS CONCERNS AROUND PRESIDENT
  • TRUMP'S TIES TO HIS BUSINESS, HERE TO COMMENT ARE THE CO-CEO's
  • OF THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP JR.
  • >> THANKS FOR HAVING US, COLIN. GREAT TO HAVE YOU, YEAH.
  • NOW MANY PEOPLE, MYSELF INCLUDED HAVE SOME SERIOUS CONCERNS ABOUT
  • WHETHER YOUR FATHER COULD USE HIS POSITION TO HELP HIS FORMER
  • BUSINESS. >> YEAH, I KNOW YOU MENTIONED
  • THAT ON THE GOLF COURSE LAST WEEKEND.
  • I WAS BEATING YOU BY NINE STROKES.
  • YOU GOT TO WORK ON YOUR SHORT GAME, PAL.
  • >> I KNOW. BUT ERIC AND I DID HAVE A BLAST.
  • >> I DROVE THE GOLF CAR! >> YOU SURE DID, ERIC.
  • REMEMBER, I TOLD YOU THIS, PAL, MAN.
  • REMEMBER, GOLF CART. GOLF CART.
  • NOT CAR, WITH A T. >> T.
  • COLIN, THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION -- THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION IS
  • ENTIRELY IN OUR HANDS. IN FACT, ERIC AND I RECENTLY
  • CELEBRATED THE GRAND OPENING OF A NEW TRUMP GOLF COURSE IN
  • DUBAI, WHICH WAS A SMASH SUCCESS.
  • >> I GOT A SUNBURN. >> YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT
  • TO WEAR YOUR HAT, BUD. >> IT DOESN'T FIT.
  • >> I TOLD YOU BUD YOU CAN CHANGE THE SIZE WITH THE SNAPS IN THE
  • BACK. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE THOSE.
  • WE ALSO JUST CUT THE RIBBON, THE BEAUTIFUL NEW TRUMP LUXURY HOTEL
  • IN VANCOUVER, CANADA. AND COLLIN, I KNOW YOU ARE A
  • THE CHEF WE GOT IN VANCOUVER IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
  • HE CRUSHED THE MENU. THE FOOD IS NEXT LEVEL.
  • >> I HAD A FUNNY FACE PANCAKE. HE HAD WHIP CREAMS HAIR.
  • >> YEAH, AND YOU ATE THE WHOLE THING, RIGHT?
  • >> I'M HUNGRY. >> ALL RIGHT.
  • CHEERIOS, BUDDY. >> WELL, I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT
  • YOUR BUSINESS IS DOING WELL. THAT DOESN'T ANSWER ANY QUESTION
  • AS BUT YOUR FATHER'S INVOLVEMENT IN THE BUSINESS.
  • >> I'M THIRSTY. >> I'VE GOT A JUICE FOR YOU.
  • >> THE FACT OF THE MATTER ITS, ALL THE DEALS COMING TO FRUITION
  • NOW WERE IN PLACE FAR -- FAR BEFORE MY FATHER --
  • >> ERIC, ERIC, LET ME DO IT. LET ME DO IT.
  • COME ON, MAN DON'T JUST STAB IT. MAKING A MESS.
  • INSERT STRAW HERE. YOU ARE NOT USING THE POINTY
  • END. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A MESS.
  • >> THAT'S MY BROTHER. I'M PROUD OF YOU.
  • PROUD OF YOU. COLLIN, BOTTOM LINE, THE ONLY
  • PEOPLE MAKING DECISIONS >> YOU DOWNED THAT QUICK, BUD.
  • LOOK AT YOU. THIRSTY LITTLE GUY.
  • >> UH-HUH. THE ONLY PEOPLE MAKING DECISIONS
  • REGARDING THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION ARE ERIC AND MYSELF.
  • >> AND DAD! >> NOW, NOW, REMEMBER --
  • REMEMBER, ERIC, DAD DOES NOT TELL US WHAT TO DO ANYMORE?
  • >> YEAH, HE DOES. >> WANT TO PLAY WITH MY PHONE,
  • BUD? >> YEAH.
  • >> YEAH. ERIC'S A JOKESTER.
  • >> WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY WAS OUR ONLY PEOPLE CALLING THE SHOTS AT
  • THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION ARE MYSELF AND THIS GUY.
  • >> I'M TIRED. HE'S GOING TO GET CRANKY.
  • GOTTA GET HIM HOME. WE GET HOME, QUICK BATH, JAMMIES
  • AND THEN BED. ALRIGHT, BUD?
  • >> CAN COLIN SLEEP OVER? >> NOT TONIGHT, BUD.
  • >> AWE! >> ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP JR.
  • [ APPLAUSE ] [ APPLAUSE ]
  • >>> IT WAS REVEALED A CHURCH FORCED MARRIED COUPLES TO WAIT A
  • YEAR BEFORE HAVING SEX. WHICH MEANS THE SOMETHING BLUE
  • THAT AIR WEDDING WAS BALLS. >>> FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 146
  • YEARS IT IS HAS NOT SNOWED IN CHICAGO DURING THE MONTHS OF
  • JANUARY AND FEBRUARY. OR ALL OF THE SNOWFLAKES WERE
  • SHOT BEFORE THEY REACHED THE GROUND.
  • I'M WORRIED ABOUT THIS ONE. A NEW INVESTIGATION HAS REVEALED
  • THAT SUBWAY'S CHICKEN CONTAINS ONLY ABOUT 50% CHICKEN DNA.
  • THOUGH THAT'S PRETTY MUCH BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR A DNA SWAB AT
  • SUBWAY. >> HARSH JOKE, COLLIN.
  • MARCH IN WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH. WHILE APRIL AS IT LOT OF BACKED
  • UP DISHES. >> IT WAS REVEALED THAT THE
  • UPCOMING LIVE ACTION VERSION OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST WILL
  • FEATURE THE FIRST GAY CHARACTER EVER IN A DISNEY MOVIE.
  • THE FIRST GAY CHARACTER? I MEAN, COME ON.
  • SHE GAVE A MERMAID A VAGINA. >> A THEATER IN ALABAMA REFUSED
  • TO SHOW THIS VERSION OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
  • IN ALABAMA, GAY CHARACTERS HAVE NO PLACE IN A MUSICAL ABOUT
  • BEASTIALITY. I KNOW WHEN I FOUND OUT MR.
  • HANDS WAS GAY, THAT REALLY TOOK ME OUT OF THE VIDEO.
  • WHAT ALABAMA BIGOT IS WATCHING A LADY MAKE OUT WITH A BIG FOOT
  • AND THINKING, YOU KNOW WHAT HAS TAKING ME OUT OF THIS CARTOON IS
  • THAT, FRUITY ASS CANDLE. >> THE PIZZA CHAIN FAMOUS
  • MAMIGLIA, OPENING IN GHANA WILL SHIP NEW YORK CITY WATER TO THE
  • AFRICAN COUNTRY TO MAKE PIZZA TASTE AUTHENTIC.
  • SAID GHANA, WAIT, YOU COULD HAVE SHIPPED US WATER THIS ENTIRE
  • TIME? GUYS?
  • >> A BRITISH SONGWRITER IS SUING U 2 CLAIMING THE BAND STOLE ONE
  • OF HIS SONGS. THOUGH TIE DON'T LIKE THE
  • SONGWRITER'S CHANCES BECAUSE HIS LAWYER IS WORKING PRO BONO.
  • >> HE INSISTED ON TELLING THAT. >> IT IS TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR OUR
  • >> IT IS TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR OUR NEWSCASTERS OF TOMORROW SEGMENT,
  • WHERE A KID JOINS US TO GIVE THE NEWS FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE.
  • SO, PLEASE WELCOME KID ACTRESS LAURA PARSONS.
  • WHAT A THRILL TO BE HERE. NEWS TALKING ABOUT NEWS.
  • >> THAT WAS ADORABLE. LAURA, YOU ARE AN ACTRESS, DID
  • YOU WATCH THE OSCARS? >> OF COURSE I DID.
  • IT WAS SO EXCITING. ♪ CITY OF STARS ♪
  • THAT'S HOW PEOPLE SING IN HOLLYWOOD.
  • >> YEAH, VERY GOOD. DID YOU SEE ANY OF THE WINNING
  • MOVIES? >> WELL, I DIDN'T SEE
  • "MOONLIGHT." MY MOTHER SAYS IT'S TOO GROWN UP
  • FOR ME. BUT I KNOW IT FEATURED BRILLIANT
  • PERFORMANCES, AMAZING CINEMATOGRAPHY, AND A HANDJOB.
  • >> WAIT -- >> HEY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
  • SHOULD BE SAYING THAT, LAURA. WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT TERM?
  • WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT? >> SOME ONE WROTE IT ON THE WALL
  • OF OUR SCHOOL BATHROOM. AND SPEAKING OF SCHOOL BATHROOMS
  • TRUMP ROLLED BACK RIGHTS OF TRANSGENDER STUDENTS TO USE A
  • BATHROOM OF THEIR CHOICE. ISN'T THAT TERRIBLE?
  • >> YES, THAT'S RIGHT. BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT THIS
  • ISSUE IS ABOUT? >> I THINK SO.
  • SOME PEOPLE THINK YOU SHOULD CHOOSE WHICH BATHROOM YOU USE
  • BASED ON YOUR GENDER IDENTITY. BUT THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO LIFT
  • UP YOUR SKIRT AND JUDGE YOUR DING-DONGS.
  • >> LAURA, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT TRANSGENDER MEANS?
  • >> I THINK SO. IT'S WHEN YOU LOOK DOWN AT YOUR
  • PRIVATES AND SAY "WHY I OUGHT TO."
  • >> ALRIGHT, WHOA! LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
  • THAT'S NOT EVEN IN THE NEWS. HAVE YOU SEEN ANY GOOD TV SHOWS
  • LATELY? >> I SURE HAVE.
  • DO YOU LIKE PRANK SHOWS, MICHAEL.
  • >> NOT REALLY. >> WELL, I DO.
  • I LOVE ALL KIND OF PRANKS. EXCEPT LAST WEEK.
  • WHEN A WOMAN WAS TRICKED INTO SPRAYING KIM JONG-UN'S
  • HALF-BROTHER WITH NERVE TOXIN. >> HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT --
  • >> THE PRANK WAS MURDER! >> LAURA, I FEEL LIKE I SAY THIS
  • A LOT. BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
  • LIGHTER. WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING FROM YOUR
  • LIFE? >> WELL, I AM GOING TO VISIT MY
  • GRANDPARENTS SOON. >> THAT'S GREAT.
  • THAT'S VERY NICE. >> LUCKILY THEY LIVE IN A
  • BEAUTIFUL CONDO AND NOT ONE OF THE THOUSANDS OF NURSING HOMES
  • THAT'S BEEN CITED FOR ELDER ABUSE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT.
  • >> LAURA. >> YOU MIGHT WANNA GOOGLE IT
  • BEFORE NANA GETS RAPED. >> ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
  • THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, LAURA YOU -- YOU DID GREAT.
  • YOU REALLY DID. THANK YOU'S -- THANK YOU SO
  • MUCH. >> I DID.
  • >> YEAH, MAN. ♪♪♪
  • ♪♪♪ >> LAURA PARSONS, EVERYBODY.
  • [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
  • MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
  • GOODNIGHT. ♪♪♪
  • [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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Description

Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che tackle the week's biggest news, including a North Carolina church that made married couples wait a year to have sex. Eric and Donald Trump Jr. (Alex Moffat, Mikey Day) and Laura Parsons (Vanessa Bayer) stop by.

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