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Stephen Colbert's Digital Doo

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Oct 09, 2015

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Stephen Colbert's Digital Doo
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  • FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU KNOW I'M A BIT OF A TECH
  • GEEK, I DON'T WANT TO BRAG AM BUT MY CAR HAS BOTH AM
  • AND FM.
  • THAT'S WHY I'M SO EXCITED TO LAUNCH MY BRAND-NEW GADGET
  • CELEBRATING SEGMENT TONIGHT.
  • WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT TECH TALK.
  • AND WE PLAN AN OPENING GRAPHIC WITH SOME AMAZING 3D
  • LIKE NANOBOTTS EXPLODING OFF THE SCREEN AND THEN FORMING
  • THE WORDS TECH TALK AND THEN THE TECH TALK THAN O BOTTS
  • EXPLODE AND BECOME TINY NANOBOTTS WHICH FORM MY FACE
  • THAT FORM THE WORDS TECH TALK.
  • LIKE NOTHING ANYBODY WOULD EVER SEE AND THEY NEVER WILL
  • BECAUSE WE THOUGHT OF IT AT 12:00 TODAY AND THERE WAS NO
  • TIME TO MAKE IT.
  • SO INSTEAD THIS IS TRUE, I LOOKED AROUND MY OFFICE AND
  • I NOTICED THAT I OWN A DIDGERIDOO-- DIDGERIDOO.
  • SO WE DECIDED TO CALL IT DIGITAL DOO.
  • IT'S A RICH AND PERSONAL INSTRUMENT.
  • FIRST UP, ON DIGITAL DOO, WEARABLE TECHNOLOGY.
  • NOT I DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT MY GOOGLE GLASS, MY
  • APPLE WATCH AND TWO NINTENDO POWER GLOVES.
  • YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT BE ATTACKED BY AN
  • 8-BILL MIKE TYSON.
  • SO I'M ALWAYSING FOR NEW WAYS TO PUT COMPUTERS ON MY
  • BODY.
  • WHICH IS WHY MY WIFI WAS ON FULL BARS WHEN I HEARD THAT
  • GOOGLE AN LEVIES ARE NOW COLLABORATING TO MAKE
  • SMARTPANTS.
  • ABOUT TIME, MY OLD DUMB PANTS CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER MY
  • WASTE SIZE.
  • IT'S 32 YOU IDIOT.
  • YOU'RE STRANGLING ME.
  • (LAUGHTER) I CAN'T FEEL MY BUTT.
  • APPARENTLY GOOGLE IS DEVELOPING A NEW DIGITAL
  • TYPE OF FABRIC THAT YOU CAN TOUCH AND IT CAN FEEL IT AND
  • IT ALSO BLUETOOTHS YOUR PHONE.
  • SO NOW YOU CAN SWIPE THE SIDE OF YOUR JEANS TO MUTE
  • YOUR PHONE, EVEN TAP THE FABRIC FOR PLAYING ANY SONG.
  • WHICH MEANS PRETTY SOON ALL YOUR CALLS CAN BE BUTT
  • DIALS.
  • AND THANKS TO THE NEW GOOGLE SMARTPANTS, YOU WON'T HAVE
  • TO REACH ALL THE WAY TO YOUR POCKET TO USE YOUR PHONE.
  • YOU COULD JUST SWIPE THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR POCKET,
  • FITTING SEVERAL PRECIOUS SECONDS PER DAY.
  • AND THAT'S TIME YOU COULD SPEND EXPLAINING TO THE
  • POLICE WHY YOU ARE RUBBING YOUR CROTCH IN PUBLIC.
  • (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
  • NEXT UP ON DIGITAL DOO, IT MIGHT BE HARD TO BELIEVE BUT
  • I'M OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE CHILDREN, THAT I KNOW OF.
  • (LAUGHTER) AND ANY PARENT WILL TELL YOU
  • THAT TEENAGERS THESE DAYS ARE MASTERS OF TECH.
  • BUT THERE IS A NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT WILL HELP
  • PARENTS MASTER THE TEEN.
  • >> A NEW LINE OF CARS COULD PLAY TATTLE TALE ON TEEN
  • DRIVERS.
  • GENERAL MOTORS WILL INSTALL AN OPTIONAL SYSTEM IN SOME
  • 2016 CHEVY MALIBU MODELS THAT WILL COMPILE IN TOUCH
  • SCREEN REPORT CARD FOR PARENTS.
  • IT KEEPS TRACK OF HOW FAR YOUR TEEN DROVE AND THEIR
  • TOP SPEED.
  • >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
  • SOON GM CARS WILL HAVE A NEW WAY TO LET PARENTS KNOW HOW
  • THEIR TEENS ARE DRIVING.
  • AND IT'S MUCH SAFER THAN THE OLD WAY, TEXTING YOUR TEEN
  • WHILE THEY'RE DRIVING.
  • THE TECHNOLOGY IS CALLED TEEN DRIVER.
  • IT'S AVAILABLE ONLY IN THE 2016 CHEVY MALIBU AND
  • PARENTS, IT'S FULLY SCALEABLE TO YOUR EXACT
  • INABILITY TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
  • FOR INSTANCE, IT CAN SOUND AN ALERT WHEN TEENS DRIVE
  • FASTER THAN A SPEED LIMIT PREDETERMINED BY THE
  • PARENTS.
  • AS FOR WHAT THAT SOUND ALERT SHOULD BE, I RECOMMEND A
  • PRAYERIE HOME COMPANION.
  • BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR A TEEN TO JOYRIDE WHILE
  • LISTENING TO AN ELDERLY MAN REMINISCE ABOUT RHUBARB PIE.
  • AND THE SYSTEM AUTOMATICALLY COMPILES DATA ON HOW MANY
  • TIMES TEEN PASS THOSE LIMITS AND MAKES THAT DATA
  • ACCESSIBLE TO ANY PARENT WITH A PIN NUMBER.
  • WHICH IS A GREAT SECURITY FEATURE AFTER YOUR TEEN
  • TEACHES YOU HOW TO USE IT.
  • TEEN DRIVER ALSO PREVENTS KIDS FROM BUMPING THEIR JAMS
  • BY DISABLING THE VEHICLE'S AUDIO SYSTEM WHEN THE DRIVER
  • AND FRONT PASSENGERS AREN'T BUCKLED.
  • THOUGH ONCE YOU ARE BUCKLED, THE MUSIC'S BAGGING.
  • BUT YOU'RE STILL IN A CHEVY MALIBU.
  • IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET SO COOL.
  • NEXT UP, (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
  • SELFIES.
  • THEY'RE FUN.
  • THEY BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER AND THEY ELIMINATE THE
  • AWKWARDNESS OF HAVING TO ASK YOUR ROOMMATE TO TAKE A
  • PICTURE OF YOUR JUNK.
  • BUT SOME OF THE MOST POPULAR TYPES OF SELFIES ARE PEOPLE
  • DOING SOMETHING DANGEROUS LIKE POSING WITH BEARS OR
  • RUNNING WITH BULLS.
  • AND AS FUN AS THAT LOOKS, NOT ALL THOSE PHOTOS END
  • WELL.
  • FOR EXAMPLE, TWO MEN DIED IN RUSSIA WHILE TAKING A SELFIE
  • HOLDING A HAND GRENADE WITH THE PIN PULLED.
  • THE MOBILE PHONE WITH THE SELFIE SURVIVED AS A RECORD.
  • SO FIRST OF ALL THAT'S A TRAGEDY.
  • SECOND OF ALL, WHAT KIND OF PHONE CASE WERE THEY USING?
  • BECAUSE IT MUST BE PRETTY GOOD.
  • NOW SURE, THE GRENADE PROBABLY HOLDS SOME OF THE
  • RESPONSIBILITY HERE.
  • BUT LET'S NOT LOSE SIGHT OF ONE CLEAR FACT.
  • SELFIES ARE KILLING PEOPLE.
  • BUT I DON'T WANT TO PANIC YOU.
  • >> I WILL LEAVE THAT TO THE NEWS.
  • >> DEATH BY SELFIE.
  • >> A DISTURBING TREND HERE, SELFIES KILLING PEOPLE.
  • THEY KILLED MORE PEOPLE THAN SHARKS OVER A 12 MONTH
  • PERIOD.
  • >> THERE HAVE BEEN 12 SELFIE RELATED DEATHS VERSUS 8
  • REPORTED SHARK FATALLITIES.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT WAS A LOT OF TECHNICAL INFORMATION
  • TO DIGEST.
  • I AM REALLY GLAD THEY MADE THIS CHART.
  • (LAUGHTER) LET ME WALK YOU
  • THROUGH-- LET ME WALK YOU THROUGH SOME OF THE DATA.
  • LET ME CRUNCH IT FOR YOU.
  • THAT IS THE NUMBER 12.
  • THAT IS THE NUMBER 8.
  • AND UP HERE, THAT LINE IS 20.
  • NOW I JUST WANT TO WARN-- I WANT TO WARN MY VIEWERS OUT
  • THERE, YOU ARE TAKING TOO MANY SELFIES, DON'T DO IT,
  • IT'S JUST TOO DANGEROUS.
  • ALSO STOP GETTING ATTACKED BY SO MANY SHARKS.
  • IT ISN'T SAFE.
  • THOUGH IF YOU ARE GETTING ATTACKED BY A SHARK, BY ALL
  • MEANS, TAKE A SELFIE.
  • CUZ MAN, YOUR INSTAGRAM IS GOING TO BLOW UP.

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Description

Stephen's cutting edge technology segment takes on Smart Pants, Teen Driver and deadly selfies.

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