Stand-Up Battle with Jerry Seinfeld

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Nov 23, 2017


Stand-Up Battle with Jerry Seinfeld
Stand-Up Battle with Jerry Seinfeld thumb Stand-Up Battle with Jerry Seinfeld thumb Stand-Up Battle with Jerry Seinfeld thumb


  • -Right now, we're about to go head-to-head
  • in the first-ever "Tonight Show" Stand-Up Battle.
  • Now, here's how this works.
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • This is the Stand-Up Generator,
  • and we'll each take turns hitting this button right here,
  • which will randomly select the name of a short stand-up routine
  • written by you, Jerry Seinfeld. -This is some of my stuff. Yeah.
  • -Yes, and we'll perform it as best as we can.
  • -Now, you know this is all set up.
  • This is not real.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • No, it's real. It's real.
  • No, they are going to decide, right?
  • -Yes, they're going to decide, yeah.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • [ Cowbell clinks ]
  • We'll perform it as best we can. At the end, we'll decide
  • once and for all who is the better Jerry Seinfeld,
  • me or Jerry Seinfeld.
  • -Jerry,
  • since you wrote all these bits,
  • why don't you go first? We'll start the generator.
  • -All right, start the generator.
  • -Yeah, here we go. -Wow.
  • -You press the thing when you're ready to go.
  • -Hey. Those are really my bits on there.
  • -Those are your bits.
  • -"Wait up." -"Wait up."
  • All right. Now, this bit is called "Wait Up."
  • It's on cue cards. Do you remember the bit?
  • -I do. I remember this one.
  • This is actually part of a Halloween routine.
  • This is a good bit.
  • -Okay. -You're going to --
  • Let's see you follow this.
  • ♪♪
  • [ Cheers and applause ] -Here he is, Jerry Seinfeld.
  • -All right. So,
  • one of the things that's different about being a kid
  • is kids don't want other kids to wait.
  • They want them to wait up.
  • "Would you wait up?"
  • Everything with kids is "up." Wait up. Hold up. Shut up.
  • Mama, clean up. Just let me stay up!
  • With parents, it's the opposite. Everything is down.
  • Calm down.
  • Slow down. Come down here.
  • Sit down. Put that down!
  • All right. You're grounded, and keep it down in there!
  • ♪♪
  • -Oh, that's good.
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • That is almost a perfect Seinfeld impersonation.
  • -Thank you. -That is a good bit.
  • -Yeah. -I like that bit.
  • My turn. Let's start the Stand-Up Generator
  • of Jerry Seinfeld's bits.
  • [ Beeping ]
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • -"Star Wars."
  • -Interesting. "Star Wars."
  • This is your take on "Star Wars."
  • -This is a little bit I have on "Star Wars."
  • This was a bit -- It was a pretty good bit.
  • It didn't quite make it into my set,
  • but I always liked it, thought it was funny.
  • -Okay, I'm going to do it right now.
  • Here we go. It's on cue cards.
  • ♪♪
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • [ As Jerry ] Thank you very much. Thank you.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • Okay.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • Okay, people.
  • [ Laughter and applause ]
  • I watch a lot of "Star Wars" with my kids.
  • Don't care for it personally.
  • I can say that publicly,
  • because they were never going to put me in "Star Wars" anyway.
  • I'm wrong for the tone.
  • You don't want a character in "Star Wars"
  • that says things like,
  • "You know..."
  • [ Laughter ]
  • I don't think we need all the back-flipping
  • in the lightsaber duels.
  • Not really a very effective combat technique.
  • Doesn't hurt your opponent in any way.
  • The cartwheels, splits, the hand-springs,
  • no one is scared of someone that can do these things.
  • And if you want to go to a different platform,
  • just step down to it.
  • Someone's trying to kill you! You need to focus!
  • People!
  • ♪♪
  • Step down to the platform! -That was really good.
  • -[ Normal voice ] That's not bad?
  • Not bad? I had to do --
  • I did the high voice at the end.
  • -Yeah, the exasperated -- -Yeah, exasperated --
  • [ As Jerry ] Get to the platform!
  • You focus! [ Stammering indistinctly ]
  • flipping with the thing! [ Normal voice ] Okay.
  • -All right. -Here we go. Jerry,
  • let's start the generator here.
  • [ Beeping ]
  • -"Pizza Hut." -"Pizza Hut." All right.
  • Oh, this is good. This is a --
  • ♪♪
  • -Pizza.
  • -Okay. So, Thanksgiving is over now.
  • We've all eaten a lot. Feeling a little full.
  • Feeling a little heavy. We all want to lose weight.
  • Every person in America
  • would like to lose a little bit of weight.
  • Not one person has ever lost 1 ounce ever.
  • Do you think a possible explanation might be
  • that we are still trying to figure out more ways
  • to get cheese into a piece of pizza?
  • Okay? We're hollowing out the crust.
  • We're injection-molding that with cheese.
  • Now they're double-layering the foundation
  • with another layer of cheese beneath the main layer.
  • The whole god-damn thing is cheese to begin with, folks!
  • It's pizza!
  • Now, I hear Pizza Hut is coming out with a new thing.
  • They will actually bake your head
  • right into a block of cheese.
  • There's no pizza.
  • It's just cheese coming in every orifice of your skull.
  • Maybe that will be enough cheese for us.
  • -That's beautiful.
  • ♪♪
  • You put a little Seinfeld spin on that.
  • Even saying the word "pizza" is not how you say pizza.
  • -No? -No, you said "paetza."
  • Which is not how you say pizza.
  • That's funny. All right. [ Laughter ]
  • Let's see what's up next. Here we go. Start it up.
  • [ Beeping ]
  • "Rubber dividers"? -Oh, the rubber dividers
  • in the supermarket. -Oh, yeah, yeah.
  • -I like this bit. Okay.
  • -All right, rubber divider, I know that.
  • ♪♪
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • [ As Jerry ] Thank you, thank you, thank you!
  • [ Laughter ]
  • Okay.
  • Okay, people.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • I like those little rubber dividers.
  • [ Normal voice ] Sorry. I'm just --
  • -You got to pace it up. Pace it up.
  • -I'm reading off the cue cards,
  • so I'm just trying to make sure I get the --
  • [ As Jerry ] I like -- I like those little rubber dividers
  • they give you at the supermarket checkout,
  • because you want your items,
  • and you want a little property there, too.
  • -Yeah. -Like a little rubber fence.
  • You don't want other people's items
  • fraternizing with your items. Could be a bad influence.
  • Now, there are two ways to use a rubber divider.
  • You can either put it down on the conveyor belt
  • like most people do.
  • Sometimes I just hold it in my hand.
  • "Hey, your potato chips...
  • kind of creeping up on my box of doughnuts there, pal.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • May want to back it off a little, okay?
  • A little too close for comfort!
  • Huh? You listening to me?
  • Are you listening to me?"
  • You need to police those checkout lines sometimes.
  • "Hey! 13 items there, buddy boy.
  • Come over, count them up.
  • Read the sign.
  • Hit the road, there. Hey!
  • I said move it. Come on, go, go!
  • 13 items or less."
  • ♪♪
  • -You're keeping up.
  • You are keeping up. -[ Normal voice ] I'm keeping up?
  • -Yeah, I think it's a tie at this point.
  • -I think -- I would love --
  • Maybe I should go on tour as Seinfeld 2,
  • and I'll just do all your material,
  • and then we could go both go on tour at the same time.
  • -Yeah. -Or maybe --
  • Oh, I got a great idea. Why don't --
  • This is actually an idea. Why don't we do a big concert
  • where different comedians come out,
  • and they do 10 minutes of their favorite comedian's bits?
  • So you come out and do 10 minutes of favorite bits,
  • and then all goes -- it all goes to charity.
  • -Yeah. Well, it'd have to go to charity,
  • 'cause that's going to be a horrible show.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • All right. -Well, you thought about it.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • Why don't you bring it home with one last set?
  • Start the generator! Here we go. -Okay, last bit.
  • -Last bit!
  • [ Beeping ]
  • -"Birthday clown," okay. -Oh, "birthday clown." Okay.
  • -"Oh, 'birthday clown.'" [ Laughs ]
  • ♪♪
  • "Oh, 'birthday clown.'" [ Laughs ]
  • -What? What's funny about that?
  • -It just makes me laugh. You go, "Oh, 'birthday clown.'"
  • -Well, so, you know, I have kids now,
  • so I got to go to these -- a lot of kids' birthday parties.
  • I used to, anyway. And I don't really like them.
  • I don't like -- The birthday party clown always corners me
  • and wants some advice on his comedy career.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • And I don't know what to tell him.
  • He says, you know, how could I help him get his own TV show.
  • I go, "Dude, I just went from having my own show
  • to these parties myself.
  • I don't know how to do it in reverse."
  • -That's exactly a perfect Seinfeld.
  • That is a perfect --
  • That's a perfect Seinfeld.
  • It's official!
  • Jerry Seinfeld is the better Jerry Seinfeld
  • and the winner of our first-ever "Tonight Show" Stand-Up Battle.
  • Thank you, my friend.

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Jerry Seinfeld and Jimmy take turns delivering some short stand-up routines written by Jerry to determine once and for all who is the better Seinfeld.

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Stand-Up Battle with Jerry Seinfeld

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