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President Trump, In His 'Great And Unmatched Wisdom,' Decides To Abandon Kurds

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00:00   |   Oct 07, 2019

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President Trump, In His 'Great And Unmatched Wisdom,' Decides To Abandon Kurds
President Trump, In His 'Great And Unmatched Wisdom,' Decides To Abandon Kurds thumb President Trump, In His 'Great And Unmatched Wisdom,' Decides To Abandon Kurds thumb President Trump, In His 'Great And Unmatched Wisdom,' Decides To Abandon Kurds thumb

Transcription

  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVE A SIMPLE BUT EXTREMELY
  • IMPORTANT QUESTION -- CAN WE TAKE AWAY DONALD TRUMP'S
  • PHONE?
  • ( LAUGHTER ) OR, IF HE HAS TO HAVE ONE, COULD
  • IT BE THIS ONE?
  • ( LAUGHTER )
  • 'CAUSE EVERYTHING HE DOES WITH HIS PHONE IS BAD.
  • TWEETING, TALKING, SEXUALLY HARASSING IT.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
  • "SIRI, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" ( LAUGHTER )
  • HERE'S HOW HIS PHONE MAKES THINGS WORSE -- YESTERDAY, AFTER
  • A PHONE CALL BETWEEN TRUMP AND TURKISH STRONGMAN RECEP ERDOGAN,
  • THE PRESIDENT ANNOUNCED THAT THE U.S. IS WITHDRAWING TROOPS FROM
  • NORTHERN SYRIA POSTS, LEAVING KURDISH ALLIES TO FACE TURKEY.
  • THIS IS A COMPLETE BETRAYAL OF THE KURDISH FIGHTERS WHO HELPED
  • THE U.S. DEFEAT ISIS, AND THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OUT OF
  • THIS.
  • KURDS, YOU'VE GOT 24 HOURS TO DIG UP DIRT ON JOE BIDEN.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S ALARMED.
  • SO IS SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND POSSUM YOU'VE TRAPPED AT THE
  • BOTTOM OF A GARBAGE CAN LINDSEY GRAHAM.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) GRAHAM IS NORMALLY A RELIABLE
  • TRUMP TOADY, BUT TODAY HE SAID THIS ON FOX AND FRIENDS.
  • >> STEPHEN: LOOK HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THE FOX AND
  • FRIENDS ARE, SITTING THROUGH THAT.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE JUST AGOO NICING.
  • JIM, ZOOM IN AND SEE WHAT THEY'RE THINKING.
  • >> NATIONAL SECURITY-- >> OH, MY GOSH, TRUMP TURNS ON
  • HIS ALLIES?
  • WE'RE HIS ALLIES!
  • >> WHAT IF WE GO FROM FOX AND FRIENDS TO FOX AND ENEMIES?
  • >> HEY, NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR!
  • GET YOUR GAME ON!
  • GET PAID!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
  • >> STEPHEN: NOW, WE KID.
  • BUT HERE'S WHAT BRIAN KILMEADE ACTUALLY SAID:
  • >> WHAT A DISASTER.
  • THE PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT THROUGH STEPHANIE GRISHAM IS WE
  • DEFEATED THE CALIPHATE AND THE CALIPHATE IS DESTROYED.
  • WE WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT WITHOUT THE KURDS WHO DID ALL OF
  • OUR FIGHTING.
  • NOW WE ARE SAYING, "OKAY, TURKS GO WIPE THEM OUT OR FORCE THEM
  • OUT."
  • WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE IS THAT TO THE NEXT ALLY THAT WANTS TO SIDE
  • WITH US?
  • A DISASTROUS SERIES OF EVENTS.
  • I HOPE THE PRESIDENT WILL RETHINK THIS.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY, BRIAN, I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, BUT TO
  • RE-THINK SOMETHING, HE HAS TO HAVE
  • THINKED IT FIRST.
  • I'M NOT SURE THE EVIDENCE IS IN ON THAT ONE.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH, GOT TO USE THE
  • BRAIN TO THINK IT.
  • >> Stephen: BUT STILL, I CAN'T BELIEVE TRUMP
  • LOST BRIAN KILMEADE.
  • THAT'S LIKE TIMMY LOSING LASSIE.
  • ( BARKING ) ( LAUGHTER )
  • HE'LL BE FINE.
  • IT WASN'T JUST GRAHAM AND KIL KILLMEADE.
  • PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE UNLOADED
  • ON TRUMP FOR THIS BETRAYAL.
  • SO TRUMP WENT ON TWITTER AND WENT FULL TWIT, SAYING THAT
  • THOUGH HE'S PULLING OUT OF SYRIA, "WE WILL BE FOCUSED ON
  • THE BIG PICTURE, KNOWING WE CAN ALWAYS GO BACK AND BLAST!"
  • (AS TRUMP) "WE CAN GO BACK AND BLAST!
  • WE CAN ALSO BRING THE BOOM-BOOMS, THE BLAMMO, AND IF
  • ALL ELSE FAILS, MULTIPLE KABLOOIES."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT, IN DEFENDING HIS ACTIONS,
  • HE SAVED THE BEST FOR WORST -- "AS I HAVE STATED STRONGLY
  • BEFORE, AND JUST TO REITERATE, IF TURKEY DOES ANYTHING THAT I,
  • IN MY GREAT AND UNMATCHED WISDOM, CONSIDER TO BE OFF
  • LIMITS, I WILL TOTALLY DESTROY AND OBLITERATE THE ECONOMY OF
  • TURKEY-- I'VE DONE BEFORE!" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
  • >> Jon: WHOA!
  • >> Stephen: WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
  • >> Stephen: WOW, HE'S GONE FULL GOD-EMPEROR.
  • (AS TRUMP) "IT IS I, DONALD THE GREAT, OF
  • UNMATCHED WISDOM AND INFINITE WIVES, DESTROYER OF CASINOS,
  • CONQUEROR OF 10-PIECE MCNUGGETS SCOURGE OF CHRISSY TIEGEN,
  • DEFEATED ONLY ONCE IN BATTLE BY MY ETERNAL NEMESIS: UMBRELLA."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • ( APPLAUSE ) BUT WE CAN'T FORGET ABOUT
  • TRUMP'S UKRAINE SCANDAL.
  • I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT
  • IMPEACH."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> IT WAS A REALLY GREAT
  • CONVERSATION, AND EVERYBODY WILL SAY THAT.
  • >> Stephen: WHEN IT COMES TO THIS SCANDAL,
  • IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE'S FEEDING ME CRAZY PILLS.
  • I MEAN, WE HAVE SEEN THE TRANSCRIPT OF THE PHONE CALL
  • WHERE TRUMP PRESSURES THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE FOR DIRT ON
  • JOE BIDEN, BUT EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, REPUBLICANS ARE
  • SAYING, "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS CALL.
  • YOU DIDN'T SEE WHAT YOU SAW."
  • IT'S LIKE THAT SCENE IN "STAR WARS."
  • >> YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE-- >> THE TRANSCRIPT.
  • >> WE DON'T NEED TO SEE-- >> THE TRANSCRIPT.
  • >> THESE ARE NOT THE-- >> TRANSCRIPT--
  • >> YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: AND, NOW, THE LAWYER
  • -- "STAR WARS."
  • PEOPLE LOVE "STAR WARS."
  • ( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
  • >> Stephen: NOW THE LAWYER FOR THE WHISTLEBLOWER ANNOUNCED
  • THEY'RE REPRESENTING A SECOND WHISTLEBLOWER.
  • A SECOND WHISTLEBLOWER.
  • THEY ARE REALLY STARTING TO BUILD A CASE THAT THE PRESIDENT
  • DID THE THING HE HAS REPEATEDLY ADMITTED.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, ON THURSDAY, HOUSE
  • DEMOCRATS RECEIVED A SERIES OF DAMNING TEXTS THAT DEMONSTRATE
  • HOW UKRAINE WAS PRESSURED BEFORE THE PRESIDENT'S CALL.
  • IN ONE EXCHANGE, FORMER AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE WILLIAM
  • TAYLOR STRAIGHT-UP ASKS AMBASSADOR TO THE E.U. GORDON
  • SONDLAND WHETHER MILITARY AID AND A MEETING BETWEEN TRUMP AND
  • UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT ZELENSKY ARE CONTINGENT ON THE BIDEN
  • INVESTIGATION.
  • TAYLOR SAYS, "ARE WE NOW SAYING THAT SECURITY ASSISTANCE
  • AND WHITE HOUSE MEETING ARE CONDITIONED ON
  • INVESTIGATIONS?" TO WHICH SONDLAND REPLIES, "CALL
  • ME."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) OH, THAT LOOKS BAD.
  • YOU DON'T TEXT "CALL ME," IF THE PHONE CALL IS "I JUST WANTED TO
  • MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE EVER FINDS OUT HOW INNOCENT WE ARE."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) NO, THIS WAS THE "CALL ME" YOU
  • GET FROM YOUR LAWYER AFTER YOU TEXT, "HOW MUCH METH CAN I COOK
  • AND IT'S STILL A MISDEMEANOR?" ( LAUGHTER )
  • "CALL ME."
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I CAN'T RELATE.
  • >> Stephen: THEY HAD THEIR PHONE CALL, SONDLAND AND TAYLOR.
  • THEN, A FEW DAYS LATER, TAYLOR TEXTED
  • "AS I SAID ON THE PHONE, I THINK IT'S CRAZY TO WITHHOLD SECURITY
  • ASSISTANCE FOR HELP WITH A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN," SONDLAND
  • REPORTEDLY CALLED TRUMP AND THEN REPLIED, "BILL, I BELIEVE YOU
  • ARE INCORRECT ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S INTENTIONS.
  • THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN CRYSTAL CLEAR, NO QUID PRO QUOS OF
  • ANY KIND."
  • THAT'S THE WAY YOU WRITE A TEXT WHEN YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE IS
  • GOING TO READ IT.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) "YOU UP?"
  • "SUSAN, YOU ARE INCORRECT IN ASSUMING I AM 'UP' FOR
  • LATE-NIGHT EXTRAMARITAL SHENANIGANS.
  • I HAVE BEEN CRYSTAL CLEAR I AM NOT MEETING YOU AT THE MOTEL 6
  • AT 11:00 P.M.
  • CALL ME."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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Description

Another day, another problematic presidential phone call, this time with the leader of Turkey. But don't worry, America, your leader possesses unmatched wisdom.

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