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Overboard

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01:52:14   |   Oct 01, 2018

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  • (SEA GULLS SQUAWKING)
  • (TOOTS)
  • (TOOTS)
  • (TOOTING)
  • -Dock five, the Immaculata? -It's over there!
  • Ohh.
  • JOANNA: I cannot, I repeat, cannot
  • sit in this cesspool by the sea with nothing to do.
  • So, while you repair your silly boat engines, I will do some remodeling.
  • I've sent for a carpenter.
  • GRANT: Whatever, diddums. I'm shooting skeet.
  • Hello!
  • Mr. Stayton?
  • Anybody home?
  • -Hello! -State your purpose!
  • Uh, nice-looking Weatherby you got.
  • It's a very expensive gun.
  • I have lots and lots of them.
  • Somebody call for a carpenter?
  • That's my wife's department.
  • Could you tell me where your wife might be?
  • You're the carpenter?
  • Yeah. Dean Proffitt. Ahem.
  • You're late.
  • -References? -Well, no, not really.
  • You see, I just moved up to this area...
  • Hey, I've been doing this kind of shit work for years.
  • This is... This is just beautiful. Wow!
  • -Try not to touch anything. -Oh, I won't.
  • Andrew will keep an eye on you.
  • Maybe you'd like to take fingerprints before I get started.
  • I was just kidding.
  • Don't walk so close to me!
  • Okay! Where's your problem?
  • -My closet. -Uh-huh.
  • In here.
  • Now, you can see how inadequate this all is.
  • I need new shoe racks for my shoes.
  • Uh, excuse me.
  • I was told that this was some kind of an emergency.
  • It is.
  • And I need drawers for my lingerie.
  • I can't keep entering these boxes all the time.
  • Hello?
  • Uh... Hey, I'm sorry. I understand now.
  • You want me to remodel your closet.
  • Isn't that what I've been explaining in some detail?
  • Is English your second language?
  • (LAUGHS)
  • What is that odor?
  • (SNIFFS)
  • I don't smell anything.
  • Madam.
  • Well! I almost had to wait.
  • I got an idea for a shoe rack right in here maybe, huh?
  • Ugh!
  • What is this gelatinous muck?
  • Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples,
  • must I specify that you are to pack good caviar and not this $1.99 fish bait!
  • -Yes, madam. -Caviar should be round and hard
  • and of adequate size.
  • And it should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.
  • (ZING)
  • Yes, madam.
  • -Carpenter! -Yeah?
  • You have exactly 48 hours.
  • I suggest you get started.
  • Throw that out.
  • Yes, madam.
  • Watch him.
  • Mais oui.
  • Bien sur.
  • Oui.
  • Ecoutez, Jean Jacques. Je vous telephone...
  • Oh, boy. She is really something!
  • I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting.
  • I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me?
  • But of course!
  • Bid 1,700,000.
  • Shit!
  • (GUNSHOTS)
  • Grant, I'm on the phone!
  • GRANT: I can't hear you, tea rose! I'm shooting skeet!
  • -Pull! -Pull!
  • Firing!
  • (RADIO PLAYS)
  • Hello?
  • Ahem.
  • Forks were invented so man could
  • at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes.
  • So were thumbs.
  • What did you say?
  • Nothin'. Just my stomach.
  • Well, try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think!
  • WILBUR: And another Oregon good morning to you.
  • Wilbur Budd here with some local items.
  • The Fraga Feed and Fertilizer folks are hiring people to shovel the stuff.
  • Oh, women are welcome, too.
  • There's no chauvinism in the manure business.
  • These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish.
  • I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their corpses stuck to my fingers?
  • -GRANT: Joanna, please! -It's easy for you to say!
  • You don't have to sit here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion.
  • I look like a bushman.
  • GRANT: Why don't you go inside and get out of the sea air?
  • Because that Elk Snout mountain man is still working on my closet.
  • He's sweating all over the place.
  • I doubt if he's even housebroken.
  • Oh, I think they housebreak each other...
  • Shh.
  • -What? -He's listening.
  • -Who? -That carpenter.
  • He's been hanging on our every word for the last two days.
  • It's your project, Joanna. You deal with it.
  • -Come along, men. -The engines are ready, sir.
  • Well, let's get going.
  • I've finished, madam.
  • Shall I put your jewelry back on you?
  • No.
  • I'm still tacky.
  • DEAN: Keep quiet for ten more minutes,
  • collect the money and get the hell outta here.
  • Well! Are we amusing you?
  • What is this?
  • Well, I'm done. I'm finished.
  • -What do you think? -What is it?
  • Well, it's a shoe rack with a twist. You ready?
  • Just turn the crank here, those drop back, these split.
  • Gives you twice the space...
  • Stop boring me with your absurdities.
  • What's it made of?
  • It's called wood. It's oak.
  • Oak. An oak closet?
  • (SCOFFS) Why am I even amazed?
  • I don't know. Why are you amazed?
  • One would think you would know closets are made of cedar.
  • If not, we get moths.
  • Well, lady, there's not a real big moth problem off the Pacific coast.
  • But if you want one out of cedar, that's fine. I'll start all over.
  • I just have to tell ya that's gonna more than double my estimate.
  • What do you mean?
  • I've already done this out of oak...
  • I'm not paying for your mistake!
  • Hey, I'm not just gonna eat it on this deal.
  • Why not? You've eaten everything else here.
  • And you will eat it because I wanted cedar!
  • You may have wanted cedar, but you didn't ask for it.
  • The entire civilized world knows closets are made of cedar!
  • In Elk Snout, we don't know about them closets!
  • Nor bathrooms, neither! Shit, woman! You're lucky I am housebroke!
  • You were listening.
  • Well, it was kinda hard to avoid.
  • You can avoid it now, you're fired!
  • You're unbelievable!
  • That's fine with me! Just pay me the money you owe me.
  • The job was not done to my satisfaction!
  • I got news for you, lady! No job will ever be done to your satisfaction!
  • That's quite enough! Just get out!
  • No problem! Pay me the 600 bucks you owe me and I'm gone!
  • Captain Karl! Start up the engine!
  • You know what your problem is, huh?
  • You're so goddamn bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about.
  • You haven't got a single thing to do except for your hair.
  • Yeah! The closet was fine!
  • You just needed somethin' to take up your useless, empty,
  • nail-polishing, toe-polishing,
  • rich-bitch, sun-tanning days!
  • -Yeah! -All right!
  • (INDISTINCT)
  • -Don't touch me! -What?
  • (SCOFFS)
  • Hey, lady.
  • I may be hard up, but I am not that hard up.
  • And I'm not goin' anywhere...
  • Hey!
  • -Damn you! -Man overboard!
  • DEAN: I'll get you for this, you...
  • Not my tool belt!
  • -You owe me 600 bucks! -Keep going!
  • As you wish.
  • (ENGINE REVVING)
  • If I ever get you, lady, you're dead meat! You got that?
  • No, don't throw that!
  • I'm not bored! I'm quite happy!
  • Everyone wants to be me!
  • You come back here!
  • I lost all my tools.
  • I'll loan you some tools. We'll get you some part-time work.
  • I need a steady job. What about that nighttime thing?
  • I'm working on it.
  • Listen, pretty soon, we'll get that miniature golf course deal.
  • If I can hang on that long.
  • EDITH: He called you a what?
  • Joanna, why are you so upset?
  • Why in the world do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you?
  • I'm sure I'm just premenstrual.
  • Then you must go right back to bed for at least two days.
  • Inga, you don't shove the food down Shiitake's throat.
  • You place it on her tongue.
  • Don't they have dogs in Sweden?
  • Grant mentioned having a baby again.
  • What should I do?
  • Darling, if you have a baby,
  • you won't be the baby anymore.
  • True.
  • Well, I must go. Bye-bye, Mommy.
  • Bye-bye, sweetie.
  • I'm not a bitch.
  • Andrew!
  • Are you going to bring me my lemon
  • or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?
  • (HONKING)
  • Hey, guys, I'm home!
  • Ah!
  • Stay away, you wolves!
  • No! Shoo!
  • Bad dogs! Go away!
  • Buster! Jackson!
  • -Get back inside! -Aah!
  • -Are you Mr. Proffitt? -Yeah!
  • You look like the morning after Halloween.
  • Probably had a day like I did. What happened to you?
  • Monday is their first day of school
  • and I came here to welcome your family.
  • And what do I get in return?
  • I get toilet-papered by your children!
  • Ah, they're just playin' around!
  • Just playin' around?
  • They were about to douse the toilet paper with gasoline and strike...
  • Wait, wait! Stop.
  • -Greg and Charlie. Twins, right? -Yeah.
  • They're having this arson period.
  • They don't know this, but I'm ahead of them.
  • I got two fire extinguishers ready to go.
  • -I didn't catch your name. -Adele Burbridge.
  • -Nice to meet you. -Principal of the Elk Cove school.
  • Your children are monsters!
  • You won't think that once you know 'em!
  • Where is Mrs. Proffitt during all of this?
  • She died three years ago.
  • (SIGHS)
  • Mr. Proffitt, your children are totally lacking in parental supervision.
  • Hey, you don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.
  • Fine. You can joke all you want, but I am serious about this.
  • If you don't do something, I am going to notify the proper authorities.
  • I have had baby-sitters in here by the dozen, but...
  • I'm... I'm kinda low on cash right now.
  • I'm new in town, but if I get a chance,
  • I'll hire a housekeeper, all right?
  • I'll believe it when I see it. Good day, Mr. Proffitt!
  • I'm a good father!
  • Ah, what do you know?
  • GRANT: Joanna, I want you tonight.
  • How can you have your period every week?
  • ANNOUNCER ON TV: You can stow away with the rich and famous
  • to exotic ports of call...
  • (SIGHS) Must you watch that thing incessantly?
  • Yes, I must.
  • It has a tawdry escapist quality that soothes my nerves.
  • What you have to escape from, I can't possibly imagine.
  • Grant! I left my wedding ring on the deck.
  • Well, what can I do?
  • Go and get it.
  • It's after midnight!
  • I don't care what time it is. I want it now!
  • GRANT: I want to see who's in the top ten yachts.
  • (SIGHS) I'll get it!
  • Okay.
  • ...on planet earth.
  • A countdown to the world's 10 best luxury yachts.
  • This is the big league of the seven seas.
  • The one purchase that separates mere millionaires from multimillionaires.
  • Our number 10 pick is the Loca Rohan,
  • a 167-foot Saudi-owned dreamboat,
  • docked in Tahiti.
  • Number nine, the 230...
  • Andrew!
  • Oh!
  • Grant!
  • Oh, my hair!
  • Help!
  • Grant! Help!
  • ...number one...
  • Stop! You idiots!
  • ...owned by the world's richest man...
  • WILBUR: Another Oregon good morning to you!
  • This is Wilbur Budd here at KRAB, the family station,
  • run by me and my family.
  • Sorry to interrupt the movie, but we got some excitement in Tillamook County.
  • I've got a bulletin for the eyewitness, on-the-spot KRAB newsroom.
  • It seems a mystery woman was picked up
  • by the Elk Cove garbage scow shortly after midnight.
  • They fished her out of the water and she's conscious,
  • but the problem is she seems to be suffering from amnesia.
  • She has no recollection of who she is.
  • My wife Rose is with the captain of the garbage scow
  • that picked up the mystery lady.
  • -Rose? -Mr. Tunatti.
  • Can you tell us what the woman was like when you brought her aboard?
  • Yes.
  • We saw something float in water like this.
  • Just like that, just like that.
  • We didn't know it...
  • -We bring on board, eh? -On board.
  • Yes. We say, "Foca... Foca," we say.
  • Excuse me, you can't say that on television!
  • No, no, no, no! Orgh, orgh, orgh!
  • Foca! Foca!
  • Foca means seal in Portuguese.
  • -Oh, I see! -Seal, seal! So we bring...
  • You learn something every day!
  • No clothes. Just a little thing.
  • ROSE: There you have it.
  • -Thank you, Tunatti. -Thank you.
  • Garbage I do for money. For love, I sing.
  • -In my country, I sing. -Isn't that interesting?
  • (SINGING)
  • We have a Renaissance garbageman.
  • We tell stories with our songs.
  • WILBUR: Thank you, Rose.
  • Bobby, can we roll that tape now, please?
  • Now, folks. Here's an interview we taped earlier at the hospital.
  • ROSE: Miss, uh, do you know your name?
  • Of course I know my name!
  • It's...
  • Oh, this is absurd!
  • I know it! It...
  • Oh, get that thing out of my face!
  • (FEEDBACK)
  • Oh, what a horrible wig!
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse?
  • -Well, there's... -Can she see us?
  • Not unless she's Superwoman.
  • Well, what do you know?
  • Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible!
  • You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia,
  • either from the bump into the garbage scow
  • or the shock of the cold water.
  • How temporary is it?
  • Well, we don't know.
  • Otherwise, you seem to be in excellent physical shape.
  • Listen to me, medical people.
  • As of now, I have a life history of a dirty garbage scow
  • and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over easy!
  • Now, I refuse... Refuse
  • to be incarcerated in this semi-private room!
  • You snore!
  • No efforts are being made for anyone to locate...
  • Is that her?
  • I demand you do something!
  • Do you hear me?
  • No! I never saw her before in my life.
  • Mrs. Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate!
  • (TOOTING)
  • Now, Miss, uh, X, we have a comfortable private room for you
  • where you'll be safer, we'll all be safer,
  • and you'll be a lot more comfortable.
  • Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses!
  • I was prepared to sue you.
  • I don't know who I am, but I'm sure I have a lawyer.
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • -Hey, you about done? -Yeah!
  • I think I got it fixed.
  • -Your lunch is on the counter. -Thanks.
  • Hi, this is Wilbur Budd.
  • We got some more on that amnesia lady story down there in Elk Grove.
  • Wanna push in on these, Barry, please?
  • Um, I saw some potato chips around the corner. Could I just?
  • Okay, one bag!
  • I said Elk Grove before.
  • You know I meant Elk Cove. Anything new, honey?
  • The mystery woman is still suffering from complete but temporary amnesia.
  • MAN: If you know the identity of this woman,
  • please contact Elk Cove Hospital.
  • I'll put up the reward myself. She's drivin' us crazy.
  • ROSE: Thank you. Back to Wilbur...
  • BILLY: Yo, Dean!
  • WILBUR: She's not the nicest person around...
  • Look at this!
  • She made some remarks about my wife's hair, which I didn't care for.
  • But, in any event, there she is and this is what she looks like.
  • -That's her. -Who?
  • The bitch!
  • ROSE: Earlier today,
  • one man arrived on the scene to make an identification, but...
  • BILLY: I can't believe it. He's skippin' out on her.
  • DEAN: 'Course he is! It's his shot at freedom.
  • We should go and see if we can get your money back.
  • -Look, he's gone! -Not him, her!
  • She doesn't know who she is. Do you think she's gonna know who I am?
  • It isn't much, folks,
  • but we're trying to keep you posted.
  • Oh.
  • Billy, there is a God and he loves me.
  • You're not gonna shave your head, are you?
  • No.
  • -Dean... -I gotta go talk to my kids.
  • I want you to take 'em shopping at the Salvation Army.
  • This is illegal! Dean, you're crazy!
  • I wondered if a woman like that had a husband.
  • Oh, yeah! She does!
  • Here's some effects you may recognize.
  • Oh, yeah.
  • Nice panties.
  • Some initials here, she didn't know what they meant. "JS."
  • She wouldn't 'cause, see, I bought these for her at a garage sale.
  • I bought my wife a garter at a yard sale.
  • I bet you did. Hey, what else you got in here?
  • I got some pictures.
  • We were gonna wire them, but now you're here...
  • Yeah! That's her.
  • Oh, yeah. That's my little cookie cutter.
  • -Quite a beauty! -She's somethin', isn't she?
  • Oh, you got that right!
  • Doc. We got a winner.
  • (CRUNCHING)
  • Annie!
  • Stop!
  • I don't recognize this man.
  • Your wife's had an almost total loss of memory.
  • I can't believe she doesn't know her own husband!
  • This missing-link person is not my husband!
  • Aw, Annie, please!
  • Annie.
  • -Annie. -Right.
  • No, that's not right. That's not my name!
  • DEAN: This is completely crazy!
  • Honey, sit down.
  • Everything's gonna be okay. Now...
  • I am your husband.
  • My name is Dean Proffitt.
  • -We've been married for 13 years. -Wait!
  • I admit I have forgotten numerous things.
  • But I truly, from the depths of my soul, do not remember you!
  • Don't you think there'd be some spark of recognition?
  • -We don't know. -Maybe you'll spark to this!
  • Aagh!
  • Oh!
  • Mmm!
  • Ah!
  • I don't believe this! He could be some stranger off the street!
  • Well, he seems to like you and he's a nice guy.
  • -He's good-lookin'. -Clean.
  • Thank you.
  • -What's my full name? -Oh, come on!
  • -What is it? -Mrs. Annie Proffitt!
  • -What's my maiden name? -Annie Goolihy.
  • Annie Goolihy?
  • Where in God's name did I grow up? Dogpatch?
  • No, no, not there! Over in Goober, Idaho.
  • But it's a nuclear waste dump now...
  • -Where did I meet you? -Hank's Donut World.
  • Seattle? You hung out there every night when you were in the Navy!
  • -You remember... -I was in the armed forces?
  • I've still got your postcards from Okinawa...
  • Stop. The Navy?
  • Oh, come on, honey!
  • You gotta know! You were in the Navy!
  • No, I don't know! I don't know any of this and I don't know you!
  • I need some proof!
  • Stop staring at me!
  • Eat your checkers!
  • Look, if it were up to us, we'd be glad to give her to you, but she's right.
  • I'm gonna need some verification.
  • Oh, listen...
  • I know what you mean. I understand. Now...
  • I don't like to talk about this in public, and I've never told anybody...
  • She does have a small
  • strawberry-like birthmark...
  • It's kinda high up on her left cheek and it's unique.
  • Come to Daddy!
  • Mister! What was I doing out in the ocean?
  • Uh, well, see, that's something you like to do.
  • You know, divin' for oysters at night.
  • Sometimes you get pretty far from the shore and that undertow...
  • Oysters? In a cold ocean at night? That doesn't sound like me.
  • Haagh!
  • I just ate a bug!
  • Keep your mouth closed!
  • A lot of things flying around out here.
  • Welcome home, baby!
  • I feel faint.
  • Come on, Buster! Come on, Jackson!
  • No. This is wrong.
  • Come along, now.
  • We've only been here a couple of weeks.
  • A lot of stuff's in boxes from the move,
  • so I hardly recognize the place myself.
  • We moved here deliberately?
  • Our last place was a real dump.
  • Come on.
  • Our new palace!
  • Well! Let me...
  • Let me show you around. Maybe something'll come back to you.
  • -Did I just go downhill? -Look at that.
  • It's comin' back already. Everything slants down here toward the bedroom.
  • Dining room and toilet...
  • Only one.
  • And here we are at the old magic room.
  • Put a lot of miles on that mattress.
  • Later. All right!
  • Here's where we have breakfast every morning. Let's go up...
  • -Ah! -Ah-ha! Here they come!
  • -Charlie tried to kill my turtle! -He didn't.
  • -It slipped out of his hands! -He did!
  • Hey, hey, guys! Whoa, whoa!
  • Hey, look who's home!
  • -Hi, Mom. -Hi, Mom.
  • Hi, Mom.
  • Gee, Mom! We really missed you.
  • We're so glad you're back.
  • They're... They're not mine.
  • Oh, honey! I was sure you'd remember them!
  • Well, I think I'd remember if I had three...
  • Four, honey! Don't forget little Joe.
  • Well, that's about it, except for...
  • Hey, she's been in there an hour.
  • What did you guys get her?
  • -Dresses. -The right sizes?
  • You didn't tell us. You just said get some dresses.
  • Okay, on the couch. Come on, guys, don't blow it.
  • Hey, a dirty magazine!
  • Baby doll!
  • This garment cannot possibly be a part of my wardrobe.
  • Let's forget for a moment that it's a rag,
  • but it happens to be 12 sizes too large.
  • -It's... It's not that bad. -Not that bad?
  • Well, come on, honey. You gotta admit, you've lost a lot of weight.
  • You used to be like a balloon!
  • -Was I also shorter? -Yes! Yes, you had a bad back.
  • You walked kinda hunched over, you know?
  • I was short and fat?
  • Look, I'm sure you've got a million questions.
  • You've been through hell. So, let's just take this thing one step at a time.
  • First, let's meet the boys.
  • In the middle we've got the twins:
  • Greg and Charlie. He likes to invent things.
  • -Twins? -Yeah.
  • Obviously, they're not identical.
  • Or I'd look like a shithead!
  • Who asked you, butthole?
  • They came out fighting and they're still at it!
  • Guys, guys!
  • Charlie and I get along very well, Mom.
  • My twin brother and I are best friends.
  • He's the actor in the family. Then we got the big guy!
  • Eleven pounds, five ounces.
  • Come on, honey, give it a try. What's his name?
  • Roy?
  • No. Travis. Sweet Trav?
  • -Now, those are tits! -My turn!
  • -Hey, what are you? -Wait, wait, wait!
  • (ALL SHOUTING)
  • I was hopin' you'd recall this guy. He's your newest, honey.
  • (IMITATING PEE-WEE HERMAN) Hi, Mom! My name's Joe.
  • A falsetto child?
  • He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman.
  • I love Pee-Wee Herman.
  • -Give your ma a kiss. -No! No! No!
  • Do they have a problem with their glands?
  • (CHILDREN SHOUTING)
  • Hey, hey, guys, easy! Come on!
  • It's not us, Dad, it's Roy!
  • They're great boys, aren't they?
  • There's so many of them.
  • You've always had your heart set on six, so...
  • We'll just keep on tryin'.
  • Dad! They're making me drink blood!
  • -Come back here! -No, no, no!
  • They don't look anything like me!
  • They do take after your mother.
  • Let's hope they don't grow up to be lushes, too.
  • -My mother's a lush? -Was, honey.
  • Cirrhosis.
  • She's...
  • -What about my father? -Oh, he's alive and well.
  • Due for parole in, what, two years?
  • Oh, God! I don't wanna hear anymore!
  • -Look... -I just wanna remember for myself.
  • The doctor says the best thing for you is to get back to your normal routine.
  • You gotta get your memory back that way.
  • You gotta do what you normally do.
  • (SIGHS) What is it I normally do?
  • I prepared and handled raw food?
  • I hunt it. You cook it.
  • You shot a chicken?
  • Come on, honey!
  • Save the jokes! We're starvin' here.
  • TRAVIS: Yeah!
  • It's strange, but... Ugh!
  • I feel as if I've never done this before in my life.
  • TRAVIS: Dad, are you and Uncle Billy really gonna open a miniature golf course?
  • Nah. We'll just build it when someone pays for it.
  • JOEY: What's miniature golf?
  • CHARLIE: For midget brains, like you.
  • GREG: I was only asking. CHARLIE: You shut up!
  • (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
  • You're gonna make that turtle sick again.
  • You gotta breathe on it.
  • Oh.
  • Look at me, Dad!
  • Nothing's happening.
  • Well, pumpkin, you gotta light the burner.
  • (ALL LAUGHING)
  • Thirty seconds.
  • Twenty-nine, 28, 27...
  • -Aaah! -Hey!
  • Fire, fire!
  • Hey, come here. Sit down.
  • Let me see your hand.
  • I smell hair!
  • I'll get the burn ointment. You'll be all right.
  • Ouch!
  • Okay, let's see, we...
  • Way to hustle, guys!
  • You all right?
  • Well, now we know they work.
  • Pretty good eats!
  • CHARLIE: Should mashed potatoes be crunchy?
  • (CHILDREN LAUGHING)
  • Where are you going?
  • Out! I go out every night after dinner.
  • Meet the boys at the bowling alley for a couple of beers.
  • Don't leave me alone with them!
  • Come on, honey. That's not fair.
  • You know we live like this.
  • Never bothered you before.
  • It's just the way it is. You'd better get used to it.
  • When are you coming home?
  • When I feel like it.
  • It just depends on how drunk I get.
  • BILLY: How's it goin' with your debutante?
  • DEAN: She's one lousy cook! But as long as I don't have to do it.
  • How long are you gonna keep her?
  • Let's see. 25 bucks a day?
  • Figure little wifey-poo can work off what she owes me in
  • a little over a month.
  • -Your first night with her, huh? -Mmm-hmm.
  • Uh-huh!
  • Come on, huh!
  • I'm not gonna tell you she doesn't have a great body.
  • And a pretty decent face... She's too rich for my blood!
  • Chocolate cake's a bit rich, too,
  • but I'd like to eat one once in a while.
  • Not my style. 'Course, eating a whole cake isn't, either.
  • But I'm gonna have some fun with her tonight!
  • -What are you gonna do? -What are you drinkin'?
  • Some rotgut. Cheapest stuff they got.
  • Perfect.
  • -DEAN: Ho-hoo! -Wait! Wait!
  • DEAN: You jumped my bones the first night we met!
  • We did it on the first date?
  • I couldn't call it a date, really.
  • We just did it right there in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven.
  • -I'm a slut. -Huh?
  • Nothing.
  • -Whoa! -Oh!
  • Hey, I'm a little drunk tonight, baby, so, you know,
  • it might take me a while to get there.
  • Oh!
  • What? No boom-boom?
  • Well, hey, I understand.
  • You probably just wanna go right to sleep and skip the fun stuff, huh?
  • -Yes. -Okay.
  • Thank you. No boom-boom.
  • -Baby. -Hmm?
  • The couch.
  • What?
  • You see, honey, you've got a bad back because the bed's too soft for you.
  • That's why you always sleep on the living room couch.
  • I'm a short, fat, slut.
  • (THUNDER CRACKING)
  • Aah! Aah!
  • Aah! Aah!
  • Help! Help!
  • Get off of my body!
  • Rover!
  • Go!
  • Oh!
  • (PIANO PLAYING)
  • (CLOCK CHIMES)
  • (BAND PLAYS AULD LANG SYNE)
  • -Up, up, up, up, up! Come on! -Help! Help!
  • Time to get up.
  • Gotta fix the kids' lunches or they'll miss the bus for school.
  • I don't care if they don't go to school.
  • Okay. They'll just be with you all day.
  • -Bye, Mom! -(BUS HORN HONKS)
  • Whoa, whoa, the bus is here! 7:15, let's go!
  • Hurry up, Mom!
  • Roy.
  • Roy!
  • My name is Travis.
  • Travis.
  • Travissss-ah!
  • -(HORN HONKING) -Come on, Joey.
  • Stop honking!
  • Twin! Oh, twin!
  • She means you. Have a good day at school, honey.
  • You ready? You ready? Come on, come on!
  • Bye, Mom. You're doin' a great job.
  • DEAN: I'm off to work.
  • Somebody's gotta keep this family in the lap of luxury.
  • Oh! I figured you'd forget, so I made it for you myself.
  • What?
  • Your list of daily chores.
  • See ya tonight.
  • Dean?
  • ♪ Zip-a-dee doo-dah
  • ♪ Zip-a-dee-ay
  • ♪ My, oh my I got a wonderful slave ♪
  • And you are a genius!
  • (LAUGHS)
  • Aah! What?
  • You're living in a nightmare that starts at the crack of dawn.
  • Aah! Aah!
  • Down! Down!
  • ♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue
  • ♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue
  • ♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue
  • ♪ Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!
  • ♪ Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy! ♪
  • Dinner! Dinner!
  • Ooh!
  • JOEY: She needs food.
  • This is fun.
  • Hey, guys.
  • What's goin' on here?
  • Nothing. We're okay. We're fine.
  • -How about you? -Oh, no. What's wrong with her?
  • She's been like that for an hour now.
  • -She's getting better, though. -Better?
  • -Yeah, she's not going, "Ba-ba-ba..." -Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...
  • -Why did she do that? -She destroyed the scarecrow.
  • She ripped the sucker's head off!
  • (IMITATING PEE-WEE HERMAN) I like when she goes, "Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba."
  • Hey! Baby doll!
  • What's for dinner?
  • Okay! I'll take it from here. Go on, get upstairs!
  • Will you trade her in for a new one?
  • Nah, she'll be all right.
  • Come on, guys! Move it!
  • -Oh! -Feel better?
  • I don't belong here. I feel it.
  • Don't you think I feel it?
  • I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't want to!
  • Oh! My life is like death!
  • My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil.
  • Oh, God...
  • Uh.
  • Baby, we like you.
  • She's okay. She's doin' the dishes.
  • -No more, "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba." -Good. All right.
  • -Dad? -Yeah?
  • Will she figure out we're tricking her?
  • Not if we don't blow it.
  • -What are you doin'? -Looking for memorabilia.
  • Memora-what?
  • Scrapbooks. Photographs.
  • Something that will spark some wisp of a memory.
  • Do we or do we not possess these things?
  • Uh, well...
  • Do you mean to tell me there is no photographic evidence
  • of our life together anywhere in existence?
  • Well, I don't know where they'd be because...
  • You know, we lost a lot of stuff in the move.
  • And it's possible that, uh...
  • We lost...
  • The closet...
  • And you.
  • That's right. This is me,
  • and I'm standing in front of the closet.
  • Something's familiar.
  • You got it.
  • We used to do it in the closet.
  • Oh, stop with the sex stories!
  • You're grumpy because you've been busy.
  • I want you to stop everything, go on in here, take a bath...
  • Hey, guys! Get the turtle out of the bathtub!
  • I'll look for the pictures first thing in the morning, okay?
  • All right. Good night, honey.
  • BILLY: Somebody better be dead!
  • Billy!
  • Billy, I want you to do me a favor.
  • -WOMAN: Who you talkin' to? -Nobody.
  • -Who's that? -No one.
  • Hey, is that Dean?
  • -Hi, Dean. Come on in. -Go back to bed, Gertie.
  • If you treat me like that, I'm goin' home.
  • Come on, Gertie, don't be like that!
  • Remember in high school you faked our IDs? I need a fake bride.
  • Come on, Dean. I'm busy!
  • Not anymore. She's goin' home.
  • Okay, but if we get caught, it's your ass!
  • It's my wedding day. Why do I look so annoyed?
  • Oh, yeah. Your dad showed up shit-faced.
  • He threw potato salad all over my mom. We had to throw him out!
  • Why do I always have this depressed look on my face?
  • You were grumpy a lot.
  • You were losing the weight, then you gained it back.
  • -Thin, fat, thin, fat. -Was I always this miserable?
  • -Wasn't I ever happy? -Well, sure, honey. Lots.
  • You were the happiest little wife and mother around!
  • Look at this.
  • Before you lost the weight. Can you believe it?
  • Hmm.
  • All right. Now, that's it. Are you satisfied?
  • -Yes. -Good.
  • I suppose I belong here in this hovel.
  • Ooh!
  • Come on, Jackson!
  • Well, this is my life.
  • I didn't marry very well, did I?
  • ♪ Your body ♪
  • I love LA. I love all my starlets!
  • What were your names again?
  • -Tofutti Klein. -Tofutti! I love it!
  • (TELEPHONE RINGING)
  • If that's my mother-in-law, I'm not here.
  • You're Kim and Kimberly...
  • -The Stayton yacht. -Hello, Andrew. It's Mrs. Mintz.
  • ♪ I'm so virile I'm so rich! ♪
  • I'd like to speak to my daughter.
  • They're not here, madam. They've gone shopping.
  • DEAN: Oh!
  • A little bit lower. Yeah. Yeah, lower.
  • That's good. That's good.
  • Were you really in the Coast Guard?
  • Damn right.
  • Why does he keep staring at me?
  • Is he?
  • Yes! He was staring at me with his mouth open all through dinner.
  • Well, honey, Billy was your high school boyfriend.
  • You don't get any of the old feelings back when you look at him, do you?
  • (BURPING)
  • (GRUNTING)
  • Mmm-mmm.
  • I don't wanna do it!
  • You gotta do it if you wanna be a gruesome ghoul!
  • It's part of the initiation! Think about it.
  • That's good. Thanks a lot. Yeah.
  • Ah, Sugarlips. I think our guest needs another beer.
  • Well, I really shouldn't, but maybe just one more...
  • Six-pack! (LAUGHS)
  • -Attagirl! -Thank you.
  • That's all the beer.
  • Whoa, buttercup! Just about time for dessert!
  • How about some brownies?
  • I didn't make any.
  • How about chocolate cream pie?
  • I made that.
  • -Is this gonna work? -My ideas always work. I'm gifted.
  • I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
  • DEAN: I was thinking about it at work.
  • We need a theme for the golf course.
  • BILLY: We can use a few contraptions you can knock some golf balls through.
  • You're worrying too much about it.
  • DEAN: What's the score? I had my eyes closed.
  • BILLY: 32-10.
  • -DEAN: Who's winning? -The guys with 32.
  • (BILLY LAUGHS)
  • COMMENTATOR: He's down to the 40... Down and out of bounds at the 37-yard line.
  • (CHILDREN LAUGHING)
  • Great!
  • Who did this?
  • Travis!
  • -Hey, honey, what happened? -Son of a...
  • This happened.
  • (LAUGHING)
  • -You guys are beggin' for it! -Stop blustering!
  • -You won't punish them! -Ease up there, love chop!
  • -Just ease up. -Ease up? Ease up?
  • Since I walked through that door, I have cooked, cleaned,
  • scrubbed, chopped wood.
  • I've waited on you, your dogs, your kids and your friends
  • in the hopes that I would remember some shred of my life,
  • and now it is entirely clear to me why I've chosen to block it out!
  • -Now, none of this ever... -Bothered me before.
  • Well, it bothers me now.
  • -All right, Joe! -Is that so?
  • Hey, hey, Joe! Come on, guys! No more jokes on Mom today.
  • BILLY: You really got her where you want her.
  • I got everything under control, don't worry.
  • This is flat. Give me another one.
  • I only got six.
  • We're just gonna have to send out
  • the old ball and chain to buy some more, huh?
  • (LAUGHING)
  • Ahh, good stuff!
  • Your chocolate cream pie.
  • Thanks, honey.
  • I guess it's kinda tough to serve with your hands stuck to plates.
  • Clear a space off there. There we are.
  • Honey, we need forks!
  • -Sugarlips! -Yeah?
  • Aah! Ooh!
  • Wait a minute!
  • (LAUGHING)
  • Fire, fire, fire!
  • -Yeah! -Okay, guys, go get her!
  • Hey, thanks for a lovely dinner.
  • DEAN: She never did that before.
  • BILLY: She did it now!
  • Look at this! I gotta go to work!
  • Wait for me!
  • She went this way, guys!
  • Gruesome ghouls, attack!
  • -What should I do, Travis? -Go home!
  • I got you!
  • -Tickle her! -Ahhh!
  • She's ticklish!
  • Ouch! That hurts!
  • Ahhh!
  • Leave me alone!
  • (ALARM RINGS)
  • All right, time to get up.
  • Go to the bathroom and do what you normally do.
  • -You gonna squirt us with a hose again? -That's up to you.
  • -I gotta feed my turtle. -The damn turtle stole my headband.
  • Joey, come on. Time to get up!
  • I don't want to!
  • The teacher's a big fat tub!
  • Proffitt boys, come up here!
  • Miss Pitcannon tells me you don't wanna take these tests.
  • (IMITATING PEE-WEE HERMAN) I'm itchin' and I wanna go home!
  • You may go stand in the corner
  • until you can talk like a little boy!
  • All of you children are new in this school.
  • These scores will determine your placement in future classes.
  • You must concentrate...
  • -Greg! Stop that! -Make a face.
  • -I'm in real bad shape! -Nonsense!
  • Now, if you concentrate, I'm sure you can control those little bodies.
  • I see that, Amanda.
  • Joey, sit!
  • Is anyone at your home?
  • Yeah. Our mom is.
  • You have a mother now? Your father remarried?
  • Yeah. We got a new mother now.
  • Well, good. Then I'm calling both your parents!
  • Mrs. Burbridge, I'm Annie Proffitt. What happened?
  • Well, Mrs. Proffitt, apparently your children consider themselves
  • above taking the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests.
  • I'm sorry. What are the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests?
  • Placement tests.
  • They are very valuable in measuring intelligence and potential.
  • Sit still!
  • Your children are a discipline problem.
  • I know.
  • I have had difficulties myself.
  • -What did you do now? -They decided to play sick!
  • And not very convincingly.
  • Now, I believe their problems exist
  • because of deficient parental guidance.
  • The children are slovenly, incorrigible
  • and being reared by a father
  • who clearly isn't concerned about their welfare,
  • but is himself just a large child!
  • WOMAN: Excuse me, Mrs. Burbridge.
  • The test results. Thank you.
  • I'll look these over as soon as I'm finished with this woman.
  • Oh, my God.
  • Oh!
  • I'll see you later in the cafeteria.
  • Mrs. Burbridge, would you come over here for a moment?
  • Has it escaped your attention that these children have head-to-toe poison oak?
  • Well, no... Yes, but...
  • But what? My children are in need of medical assistance!
  • And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests?
  • Tests which label children's potential,
  • a thing which cannot be measured!
  • Least of all by anal-compulsive Huns!
  • And my husband may be a large child,
  • but that's none of your business.
  • And my children may be rotten, but they're mine!
  • And I think that they're bright and sensitive.
  • So I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence!
  • I do, however, have serious doubts about yours!
  • Kids, get in the car. Let's go.
  • Move!
  • She told her off.
  • Dad never did that.
  • Ha ha!
  • Discipline problem?
  • My regards to Schwartzman and Heinliken.
  • (IMITATING PEE-WEE HERMAN) I can't stop itching!
  • Well, what do you expect when you roll around in poison oak?
  • What I want you to do, what the doctor said, is put it right on the red parts.
  • Okay?
  • Soon we're going to clean up this room because it's a disgrace.
  • -We like it like a disgrace. -Dad lets us do whatever we want!
  • Yeah, well, it's trickling down the stairway.
  • Joey, don't. Don't get that near your eyes. Look, I want you to read this.
  • See what it says? "Don't get near your eyes." Read on.
  • What's this all about?
  • He's embarrassed 'cause he can't read.
  • Well, he's a small child.
  • He can't read for a small child either.
  • The teacher makes fun of him!
  • Okay, we'll talk about this later. Go to sleep.
  • -Dean? -Where is that?
  • -Dean? -Yeah!
  • -What is it? -Where are you going?
  • Out. If I could ever find my...
  • Oh, wait. Wait!
  • Not tonight! We have to talk.
  • When I get home. I'm in a hurry.
  • Now!
  • You know, I let the water routine slide by the other day,
  • but let's not push it, okay?
  • I got a little carried away with the hose, but this is important.
  • Okay, fine. What's on your mind, sugarlips?
  • Stop calling me sugarlips! I have a name. Call me Annie.
  • Get to the point, Annie. I'm busy. The guys are waitin' for me.
  • You can't run out every time things get complicated here.
  • The kids are sick!
  • They got calamine lotion. What do you want me to do?
  • Take on some grown-up responsibility!
  • I earn the money. That's a responsibility.
  • Are you aware that Joey can't read?
  • That Travis only reads smut magazines?
  • I can't get him out of the bathroom.
  • He's 13! I'll build you another bathroom!
  • They don't need that! They need guidance from you!
  • Oh, oh, wait!
  • Now, don't you worry about me and my boys, okay? We're pals.
  • They have enough pals. They need a father.
  • Hey, hey, hey, look. I decided a long time before you, you and me...
  • We decided a long time ago, before we started this family,
  • we'd raise these kids naturally, not force bullshit rules...
  • I'm not talking about discipline. I'm talking...
  • Stuff you shouldn't be talking about!
  • It's none of your business, anyway.
  • My children are none of my business?
  • Look... I have... Now I'm late!
  • Thanks a lot! Appreciate it.
  • Say, Annie. Are you asleep?
  • No. Go away.
  • Uh, listen. I'm...
  • I'm sorry I came down on you so hard before.
  • It's okay.
  • Just so you won't think
  • I don't appreciate all the work you're doin' in the house
  • and how you handle the kids and all that...
  • You know, I think you're doin' great.
  • I mean, what you said about me and the boys tonight...
  • Uh, I guess you probably...
  • You know, maybe you got a small point there, and I just... I can't...
  • I can't talk to you while you're turned away.
  • -Will you please get your head out? -No.
  • -No! -Why?
  • Because I'm so ugly.
  • I got poison oak, too!
  • Come on, now. Nobody cares what you look like.
  • I mean, we do like the way you look.
  • Normally you look real pretty.
  • You just don't now.
  • All right, forget it.
  • I don't even have a wedding ring!
  • What?
  • I lost my wedding ring in the sea.
  • Okay, come on. Come on.
  • Let's go.
  • Oh, no. I'm not going back in the water barrel!
  • I'm puttin' you in the bedroom. I'll take the couch.
  • Oh, hey, listen. I've had poison oak a million times.
  • Come on, guys. Up! Up!
  • Yeah. You know, I once got poison oak on my bu... Back.
  • And, uh...
  • Well, don't you worry. It'll be gone in no time. Lift your head.
  • -That's it. Is that better? -Yeah.
  • -All right? -Yes.
  • Tell me something about my life, about my past. Please.
  • Something not horrible.
  • Uh, okay...
  • Uh...
  • Yeah.
  • Well, there was that time, uh,
  • when you were, uh...
  • You were working at...
  • Yeah, Burger Boy over in Lewisville.
  • And this kid started choking on a French fry.
  • Everybody there panicked, including me, except for you.
  • You ran over to him and you gave him that
  • Heimlich, uh, maneuver, where you...
  • And poof!
  • The kid puked up the fry and they named you
  • Burger Boy employee of the month.
  • It was great. They put your picture above the cash register and...
  • I was really proud of you. I mean it.
  • You can be quite charming when you wanna be.
  • You just caught me on a bad day.
  • Good night... Annie.
  • Good night.
  • Heads up!
  • After I finished with the Coast Guard, I looked up Dean.
  • We used to play football together.
  • Used to call him Mean Dean Proffitt.
  • Used to call me Bad Billy Pratt.
  • -Out! -Now, Billy, when did we date?
  • Uh...
  • Let's eat!
  • Ahh!
  • Yummy!
  • It might be...
  • Are we talking about the golf course?
  • Yeah. The guys with suits come down in less than a week.
  • What do you think about this?
  • Sink 'Em and Drink 'Em.
  • 18 holes based on famous breweries.
  • I think what I thought yesterday. It's a lousy idea.
  • I thought you'd change your mind now you're sober.
  • What about other places? Foreign places.
  • What do you mean? Like France or Africa?
  • Mais oui. La tour Eiffel, comme c'est jolie.
  • Ah! I speak French!
  • It just came out.
  • Do I know what I said?
  • Yes, I do.
  • I must have learned that in Paris.
  • When was I in Paris?
  • In the Navy.
  • Navy.
  • It's a stupid idea in any language.
  • Besides, we're building these things in America.
  • Wait a minute. This isn't a bad idea.
  • I could invent some wild things here. Go on.
  • Well, like the Taj Mahal, Seven Wonders of the World.
  • Bring them to the people of Elk Cove!
  • Well, I gotta bring it in for a price.
  • I can bring it in, but can you draw me some pictures
  • so I can see what you mean? Annie?
  • -What's this? -Travis found a girlfriend.
  • Hey, Trav! Don't knock her up!
  • Very funny!
  • -Watch your... -Oh, Mom!
  • Yeah, "Oh, Mom!" Watch your language!
  • Come on! What are you talkin' about?
  • -Pick a wonder. -Stevie Wonder.
  • -Pick another. -Wonder Bread.
  • -Give me a wonder. One wonder. -There's Mount Rushmore.
  • -The Parthenon. -DEAN: Parthenon, right.
  • Saint Basil's, the Russian cathedral.
  • Grand Canyon. Everybody'll love that!
  • -Egyptian pyramids. -ANNIE: The Eiffel Tower.
  • It's expensive. I gotta build...
  • If it rains... Hey, fiberglass! Perfect!
  • Let's clean up for an early dinner.
  • I've got a lot of drawing to do.
  • Isn't Dad gonna eat with us tonight?
  • No! He had to go out.
  • -He had to go bowling this time. -Really?
  • It's pretty hard to go bowling without a bowling ball.
  • WOMAN: The trophy is gorgeous.
  • DEAN: I know. I wanted it, too.
  • $2.80.
  • ♪ I know I done you wrong
  • ♪ Do you remember that rainy evening I put you out
  • ♪ With nothin' but a fine-toothed comb...
  • I'm looking for Dean Proffitt.
  • What would you want with old sweet-mouth?
  • ♪ Ain't that a shame I know I'm to blame
  • ♪ Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? ♪
  • DEAN: Bring that over here.
  • Scott Murphy, bring your invoice up to the front.
  • This ain't your average pile of fertilizer here.
  • Uh-uh.
  • No, siree. This here's a special blend.
  • Fish heads, shrimp skins, crab claws, earthworm droppings...
  • Ah, I don't wanna know that much about it.
  • -Here you go. -After this, you shovel fish guts!
  • If you're lucky, we'll let you clean the truck!
  • Oops! I forgot to give you this.
  • Why? What have I got to put on airs for?
  • Oh, stop fussing. You look great.
  • Well, they put their pants on just like me, one leg at a time.
  • Now, don't be nervous, okay?
  • If you don't get it, so what?
  • We've been through rougher times than these before.
  • I think.
  • BILLY: Gentlemen, this is Dean Proffitt, inventor and master craftsman.
  • What we're here for this evening is this.
  • It's the Wonders of the World miniature golf course.
  • If you look at these pictures, you can begin to sort of feel...
  • What we're trying to do is bring some of this outer world here into Elk Cove.
  • The Leaning Tower of Pizza doubles as a pizza stand.
  • That sort of gives us an idea of where we might go in the future.
  • Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Here, let me get that.
  • Waitress! Get over here, will you?
  • Have you ever been nervous in your life?
  • Go ahead, ask me. Ask me if we got the money.
  • -Did you get the money? -We got the money!
  • -Great! That's so great! -Can you believe it?
  • Oh, no!
  • DEAN: Step up! She rolls up here and down.
  • Quick.
  • See? Through the hole.
  • It's got three choices. This time, it's going through the oil funnel,
  • past the plastic fan, into the kids' sand shovel and flour sifter.
  • Now, turn around quick. Here it comes. It should be out about now.
  • Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
  • -Okay, now show me your invention. -You're gonna hate it.
  • I'm not gonna hate it. I love 'em.
  • (TOILET FLUSHES)
  • That's nice.
  • DEAN: I gotta tell her, Billy. I gotta tell Annie the truth.
  • In the beginning, it was okay because it was part of a gag.
  • Now, it's more like lies. I... I know what you're thinkin'.
  • Hey, I'm not thinkin' anything.
  • Yeah, you are and I'm gonna tell her.
  • I know it's time to tell her!
  • Ooh! Dr. Death looks mad.
  • Joker's saying, "No".
  • I know. What does he say up here?
  • "I will re... re... re..."
  • -Reduce. -"Reduce your puny planet to rub..."
  • -Ru... ru.. -Rubble.
  • Good! That's very good, sweetie.
  • Are you gonna leave?
  • No. I'm your mommy.
  • -I'm not going anywhere. -Sometimes moms leave.
  • Well, I guess maybe they do. But I'm not gonna go anywhere.
  • Good.
  • What is this? Is this a present for me?
  • -Yes. I made it from macaroni. -I love it.
  • I'll always wear it.
  • -Hey, Dad! -Hi! How's it goin', guys?
  • I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play.
  • -I got an A in English. -I'm flunkin' math.
  • Well, I guess we better work on it later on.
  • You're just in time. Dr. Death is on the rampage.
  • Uh, Annie, I need to talk to you.
  • Alone, guys.
  • -Is something wrong? -Uh, well...
  • No. Yeah. Yeah.
  • No, I just... I need to tell you somethin'. Here, sit down.
  • -What is it? -Uh...
  • Annie, I've done... I've done something that, uh...
  • I'm ashamed of. And I just...
  • I already know.
  • You do?
  • What... What do you know?
  • You work nights at the fertilizer plant.
  • You don't have to be ashamed because you shovel fish guts.
  • I'm proud of you, no matter what you do.
  • -Is that it? -Well, that's one of the things,
  • but I... No. Not really.
  • What is it?
  • Annie...
  • I...
  • I... God, I forgot your birthday.
  • -It's my birthday? -Come on! Get dressed!
  • Oh! Oh!
  • ♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue
  • ♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue
  • ♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue
  • ♪ Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!
  • ♪ I'm sittin' on a mountain top
  • ♪ 30,000 feet to drop
  • ♪ Spied a lady on a runaway horse
  • ♪ Uh-huh that's right, of course!
  • ♪ Jim Dandy to the rescue
  • ♪ Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy! ♪
  • -Come on, I've had it! -What? Are we goin' home?
  • -What? -Are we going home?
  • Oh, no. I just... Aren't you hot?
  • Yeah. Let's go outside.
  • -Come on! -Hey, let's not forget this.
  • -It's $7 a pop. -Don't worry about what it costs.
  • It's your birthday! I got it covered.
  • Just one last toast to your birthday.
  • -Ohh! Oops! I lost my bottom. -Wait a minute.
  • There! They always do that. Now, this is...
  • -Happy birthday, Annie. -Thanks, Dean.
  • Mmm.
  • I've never tasted anything quite like this.
  • It's good stuff.
  • (SHIP'S HORN BLOWING)
  • Boy, it sure is pretty, isn't it?
  • Why do they honk three times?
  • To signal they're comin' home.
  • Yeah, it's a legend of Arturo,
  • who was a Portuguese fisherman.
  • He met this beautiful girl his first night in town, Catarina.
  • And eventually they fell in love.
  • But the problem was that Catarina's father was the territorial governor.
  • He didn't want his only little girl to be with a lowly fisherman.
  • So he told Arturo that he'd have to ship off,
  • which he did, but he told Catarina he'd be back for her.
  • And when he came back, he'd signal with three long blasts
  • so she could dive off the rocks and swim to the boat, and they'd be on their way.
  • Oh, I love this story.
  • So, a year later, everything went as planned.
  • But when she was swimmin' out to the boat,
  • the fog got so thick that she couldn't find the boat.
  • Arturo panicked and he called out, "Catarina! Catarina!"
  • Catarina yelled back, "Arturo!"
  • With that, he dove right off the boat into the icy waters, and they, uh...
  • Kissed.
  • -No, they drowned. -Oh!
  • They never found each other and they drowned.
  • -Oh, that's a terrible story! -Yeah, but the legend is
  • they reunited at the bottom of the sea, right over there,
  • and every time you see the spray goin' up, it's them.
  • -Making love? -Yeah.
  • For ever and ever.
  • ♪ Take my whole life, too
  • ♪ For I can't help
  • ♪ Falling in love... ♪
  • Dean?
  • What, Annie?
  • How old am I?
  • Twenty-nine.
  • Ohh!
  • -Dean. -Yeah?
  • Was it always like this?
  • Every time with you is like the first time.
  • (BIRDS CHIRPING)
  • Ahh!
  • (KNOCK ON DOOR)
  • Aw, come on, guys!
  • Hey, let us sleep for a while!
  • Right, that's it! I'm gonna spank 'em.
  • No! Dean, please don't.
  • Every one of them's gonna get it!
  • Surprise!
  • -A washing machine! -Do you like it?
  • Honey, it's so expensive.
  • No shit!
  • I love it.
  • Thank you.
  • BOY: She might have no tits, but she has a nice ass.
  • What did he say?
  • -Ooh! -Yeah!
  • Ha ha ha!
  • Ooh!
  • Grant?
  • Ha ha ha!
  • Edith. Hello.
  • This is ludicrous, Grant. I have called every week for two months.
  • I've looked forward to each call.
  • Do you have the gall to tell me that I've missed her again?
  • She's sleeping.
  • I don't believe you.
  • Grant, if you do not produce Joanna
  • in one week,
  • I am going to hire a mass of mercenaries to hunt you down
  • and chop off the protruding parts of your body.
  • Is that clear?
  • I'll find her. I mean, you'll have your daughter soon. Bye!
  • Andrew.
  • Point the boat back to Elk Snout.
  • You and Mommy are going to take a little trip, aren't we?
  • We's gonna go bye-bye, yes!
  • Sit there and don't get dirty!
  • I hate this.
  • It's not so bad to get dressed up every once in a while.
  • It's like the goddamn Brady Bunch!
  • -Dad's here! -Mom, Dad's home!
  • Hey, guys!
  • I gotta go put on a suit. Gertie's picking me up.
  • How can you go hunting on such an important day?
  • Easy. Pheasant don't play miniature golf.
  • Hunting calms Billy down, honey.
  • The ceremonies start in an hour.
  • Billy, hang this guy out.
  • Sweetie, I'll be ready in a second.
  • I lent the station wagon to Gertie so we have to take the truck.
  • God! What a mess.
  • Feathers!
  • What?
  • Ohh!
  • "JS."
  • Honey, would you hand me a towel there?
  • Thanks.
  • What... What is this?
  • No, that's my question. They were in the truck.
  • These are... I dunno what these are. I... Who...
  • Here. I... We gotta get going. We're gonna be late.
  • Thanks for putting my clothes on the bed.
  • -Oh, stop it! -This is nothing!
  • Nothing? I gave you the best years of my life.
  • I've raised your children.
  • I bore your fruit four times and you tell me this is nothing?
  • You're making a big deal out of a little thing.
  • It's the number one cause of divorce in this country.
  • Where's my jacket? What divorce? What are you saying...
  • I'm saying what I'm saying.
  • You're saying what you're saying!
  • -What, you wanna divorce? -Well... Yeah, maybe I do!
  • Well, you can't have one.
  • Oh, really. I can have a divorce.
  • Where did I put my damn boots?
  • I can get a divorce if I want to.
  • I don't need your permission.
  • Do you love her?
  • Do you?
  • Tell me.
  • Honestly? Yes and no.
  • More yes than no?
  • This is unbelievable! How did you...
  • I'm glad this happened.
  • I've been tryin' to figure out a way
  • to tell you this for ever. Come here. Sit down.
  • I wanna tell you something.
  • JS is you.
  • These are yours and we're not married. There. God, I finally said it!
  • What's her name? Jacqueline? Josie?
  • Honey, I'm not your husband and you're not my wife.
  • Is she from that fertilizer plant?
  • Does she hand out shovels?
  • These aren't your kids! You didn't bear anything!
  • Don't change the subject! Who is she?
  • Forget it! Come here!
  • Guys, we gotta talk and this is serious.
  • -Mom, we're still all clean! -I just told her about her
  • not being your mother and I want you to tell her, too.
  • Go ahead, tell her.
  • Dad, tell her what?
  • Tell her she's not your mother.
  • But she is our mother!
  • No. Don't tell her what I told you to tell her.
  • Just tell her the truth now, okay?
  • Tell her about the day she came home!
  • She went for a swim. We were really worried.
  • I was up all night pacing.
  • You'd never seen her before!
  • Don't speak to my children that way!
  • What do you think you're doing?
  • We won't let you ruin everything.
  • -We're keepin' her. -She doesn't belong to you!
  • She didn't belong to you, but that didn't stop you!
  • -I had my reasons! -So do we.
  • -We like her, Dad! -You like her, do you?
  • So much you'd rather live with her than your own father?
  • Oh!
  • Found 'em in the glove compartment, huh?
  • Yeah. Tell me every sordid detail.
  • Who is JS and what does she do to Dean?
  • -Annie... -Tell me everything. Be honest with me.
  • Annie, uh... That's my underwear.
  • What?
  • I don't mean I wear it or anything.
  • -It belongs to a girlfriend. -What about Gertie?
  • I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone-sex girl one night.
  • I found one that accepted personal checks and...
  • You see, I don't have a back seat in my truck so I... I used yours.
  • Dean doesn't want you to tell Gert, so he's covering for me.
  • -What are you talking about? -I confessed. The jig is up.
  • The jig is up! I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.
  • I just did.
  • See, I didn't get the reputation for being Bad Billy Pratt by accident.
  • Annie, I'm sorry.
  • I got horny.
  • -Do you hate me? -Oh, no, I don't hate you.
  • I'm glad you're bad, Billy Pratt.
  • Biggest load of bullshit I've seen.
  • Honey, honey.
  • Phone-for-sex girls don't come to your truck, honey. They...
  • No, stop trying to cover for him, sweetie. Let's just forget it.
  • Pretty expensive panties. You can have these back.
  • That girl must have more than one phone.
  • Pretty good, huh?
  • You did this to protect your ass because you faked my pictures?
  • No, I did it to protect your ass, okay? You belong with her.
  • ♪ She won't be late
  • ♪ Wonderin' how to feel them
  • ♪ What you'd give to have them
  • ♪ If you could only find them
  • ♪ She's my baby ♪
  • Oh, cute.
  • Mom! Help, he has my hand.
  • Why do you stick your hands in people's mouths, anyway?
  • Let's go. Let's go to another one.
  • I have been calling all over Elk Cove.
  • No, no. Don't worry. No, no. I will try Portland for a limousine.
  • I really don't have anything to say except that, uh...
  • There would be no Wonders of the World miniature golf course
  • if it wasn't for the imagination and the creativity of one woman.
  • That's my Annie. Annie, you wanna come up here?
  • (APPLAUSE)
  • Yay!
  • (WHISTLING)
  • I love you, Annie. I want you to be with me always.
  • -Yay! -Ooh!
  • (APPLAUSE)
  • (CLANG)
  • Everybody, play ball!
  • (BAND PLAYING)
  • Let's go clean up.
  • -Hey, Dad! Whose car is that? -Maybe it's a rich relative.
  • -Sure, it's Daddy Warbucks! -Maybe we won the lottery.
  • Hi, Grant!
  • I just have to put these in some water.
  • Grant? Is that you?
  • Yes.
  • Yes, you're Grant Stayton III.
  • I remember!
  • I remember. I'm Joanna Stayton.
  • Oh, Dean, I'm cured.
  • I can remember again.
  • Oh, God!
  • You can't imagine how terrible it is not to know who you are.
  • The doctor said that my mind would come back suddenly and he was right.
  • I saw you, I walked past you into the house and poof! My memory came back.
  • Ask me anything. Ask me about my childhood in New York.
  • About my mom. Her name is Edith.
  • About my money. Money!
  • I have money! I have lots of money!
  • I even have some in Switzerland!
  • -Switzerland? -See how I know me?
  • Oh, God, this is the happiest day of my life!
  • Oh, thank you. Thank you for bringing me here
  • and making me a wife and a mother and...
  • Why did you do that?
  • Why?
  • I know why.
  • You're that sweaty carpenter who hates me.
  • And these are your children, and you made me...
  • Believe that...
  • Oh, God...
  • You tricked me.
  • You used me.
  • Say something.
  • -Annie, it just started out... -My name is not Annie.
  • And I don't belong with you.
  • And I don't belong with them.
  • I have to get my things.
  • Don't get any ideas. I brought Olaf.
  • Olaf!
  • I think we can take Olaf.
  • I won't have...
  • There's nothing inside that's mine.
  • DEAN: Joanna...
  • For whatever it's worth,
  • thank you.
  • Come on, dear.
  • We'll get you out of these clothes.
  • -Mom, wait! -Mom!
  • -Mom! -Mom, come back!
  • Mom!
  • Mom!
  • Please, mom!
  • Please!
  • Get away from this car!
  • Get away!
  • Mom!
  • -You said moms don't leave! -Get!
  • (DOGS BARKING)
  • We should have told her, Dad.
  • She just would have left sooner.
  • Come on.
  • Welcome back, Mrs. Stayton.
  • Dr. Korman, will she ever again be the debutante I raised?
  • Will she be one of us?
  • Joanna wants to rediscover her old self.
  • Her memory's almost completely restored.
  • She even recalled the session where I wrote this.
  • ♪ I love you madly
  • ♪ Though you treat me badly... ♪
  • Dr. Korman! Please!
  • We need analysis, not Moon River.
  • I want my wife back.
  • Joanna knows who she is. And she's trying to behave that way.
  • -Happy? -ANDREW: Good evening, madam.
  • -EDITH: My darling Joanna. -You look radiant, Jo-Jo.
  • Please don't call me that. I feel like a Pomeranian.
  • You liked being called Jo-Jo. It was "diddums" you hated.
  • Mother, why does Dr. Korman have to be here?
  • I feel self-conscious enough as it is.
  • Oh, sweetie.
  • Just indulge Mommy, hmm?
  • Come along, now. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
  • Andrew, I'm sitting.
  • Now, Mrs. Mintz.
  • EDITH: Dr. Korman knows you so well,
  • dear, and he only wants to help.
  • -Champagne, madam. -Thank you, Andrew.
  • Andrew, I'd love a beer.
  • A beer?
  • It's wrong, isn't it?
  • Nothing is ever wrong.
  • Actually, I really don't see the harm in accommodating her wishes, Andrew.
  • -Cigarette, darling? -I don't smoke, Mother. Do I?
  • Of course you smoke. You've always smoked.
  • I smoke.
  • Why don't we all smoke?
  • GRANT: Why do I have to smoke?
  • I've never smoked. I get sick when I smoke.
  • Why does everyone try to make me do what I don't want to do?
  • Grant, we are not interested in your therapy.
  • I had my nervous breakdown and I didn't have therapy. I never had therapy!
  • -Mother, would you like some? -I'd love some.
  • GRANT: Put that down! Good God, Joanna! We have servants for that.
  • Now, really, this is going too far.
  • Joanna, what motivated you to rise and go get the serving tray?
  • Well, I thought you might be hungry.
  • That's excellent. That's excellent.
  • What's excellent about it?
  • I was hungry.
  • Your beer, madam.
  • Who cares that you were hungry! She became a waitress!
  • -My daughter's a waitress? -Hold it.
  • Mmm.
  • Good stuff.
  • KORMAN: I'll stay an extra few days, yes.
  • -They won't come in. -Shit.
  • Spaghetti-o Surprise.
  • What's goin' on?
  • We're gettin' Mom back.
  • We miss her.
  • She cuts the crusts off the bread.
  • She doesn't take any of my shit either. I need discipline.
  • We got $3.04.
  • Yeah, we're gonna rent a fishing boat and get her back.
  • No fishing boat's gonna catch a yacht, especially at that price.
  • Maybe she'll decide to come back.
  • Dumbo, she's on her way to New York!
  • -This is a job for Dr. Death. -Yeah, Dr. Death could do it!
  • We gotta do somethin'. Right, Dad?
  • Wrong!
  • Now, she's gone, guys.
  • She hates me!
  • She's got her rich husband back,
  • and her rich life, and that's the end of it.
  • GRANT: I love the sound of the ocean.
  • Hello-ooo!
  • Hooooooo!
  • Tofutti.
  • Tofutti, where are you when I need you?
  • Tofutti Klein, dine, dine, dine, dine.
  • All together. And...
  • Lick.
  • -Shake. -Shake.
  • Lick.
  • Drink!
  • Suck!
  • Ugh! Ugh!
  • Wooo!
  • -You sucked first! -No, I didn't! I did it right!
  • -Danger watch! Gotta go! Let's go! -Oh, yes.
  • Croissants in the morning!
  • -Dinner was wonderful. -Merci beaucoup.
  • You best not lose these again, madam.
  • -Again? -With my apologies, madam.
  • "Andrew! I seem to have lost my ruby earrings
  • "somewhere between 64th
  • "and 68th Streets.
  • "Find them!"
  • I've behaved so badly.
  • I don't know how you put up with me for so long.
  • You've done so many wonderful things for me
  • and I've never even once said thank you.
  • I'm sorry.
  • Apology accepted, ma'am.
  • Everyone thinks I'm crazy. Do you think they're right?
  • Oh, no, madam. Oh, no.
  • Most of us... Go through life with blinders on, madam,
  • knowing only that one little station to which we were born.
  • But you, madam, on the other hand, have had the rare privilege
  • of escaping your bonds for just a spell
  • to see life from an entirely new perspective.
  • How you choose to use that information, madam,
  • is entirely up to you.
  • (MUMBLING)
  • -Captain Karl? -Yes, ma'am.
  • -We've never really had time to talk. -No, we haven't.
  • Well, there's no time now.
  • -What are you doing? -Turning the boat around.
  • -Why? -I'm going home.
  • You're turning that wheel too fast.
  • Captain Karl! Why is the land on the wrong side of the yacht?
  • Oh, she did? Well, she's gone too far this time.
  • She thinks she's dealing with an idiot!
  • So we're heading back to the jungles of Oregon!
  • -I want to go back, Grant. -To him?
  • Yes. I'm sorry.
  • You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot!
  • Captain Karl, go below with the crew. I'm taking over.
  • Andrew, go get Dr. Korman! Go!
  • -Get out of my way, Karl! -But, sir!
  • Now, I'm in charge!
  • We're coming about... At full speed ahead!
  • -BOY: Who is it? -Dr. Death. Let's go.
  • We're gonna go get her!
  • Come on! Billy's friends will help us!
  • Aah!
  • Aah!
  • -I hope I don't get court-martialed. -Yeah, I owe you.
  • Anything in the manual?
  • Not about pulling alongside a ship
  • and telling a passenger you love them, sir.
  • Put your nose in the manual and find something, Lucas!
  • Whatever you do, I'm getting off at the next port.
  • Don't be ridiculous. Nobody leaves a Stayton.
  • I don't love you anymore. Please try and understand that.
  • What has love got to do with marriage?
  • You'd actually prefer living in squalor with that cave dweller!
  • They should have kept you in the hospital psycho ward!
  • What did you say?
  • How did you know that?
  • You left me there, didn't you?
  • You snake!
  • How could you do that?
  • How could you be such a slime?
  • Call me all the names you want,
  • but many women adore me!
  • Do you wanna know what I was doing? I'll tell you.
  • I was whacking the donkey with painted ladies. They loved me!
  • Yes! I did leave you.
  • There! Now, I've confessed. So what?
  • We're at sea. And I'm a God at sea!
  • (LAUGHING)
  • 9:00 in the morning. This better be good.
  • Doctor, Grant's having another nervous breakdown.
  • -He thinks he's God. Keep him busy. -All right.
  • -Morning, Grant. -Korman, my wife is insane.
  • -Do we have a straitjacket? -KORMAN: I always carry one.
  • GRANT: Good! Put her in it! (LAUGHING)
  • You're overwrought, Grant. I want you to take a Valium.
  • Ooh, here, take one of mine.
  • -Is Nino here? -Nino on break.
  • I have to stop the boat. My husband's a little bit crazy...
  • -The captain stop the boat. -I'm the captain!
  • No, please don't salute! I have to find a red button...
  • (ALARM RINGS)
  • Vessel sighted straight ahead, sir!
  • -Identify. -There's a fat guy in my way, sir.
  • Who you callin' fat, you little weasel! Come here!
  • Where's the thing? I need the red...
  • -Here! Here it is! -No, please!
  • Ah!
  • (DOG BARKING)
  • -The boat stopped. -Yes, it stopped!
  • -I need to get it turned around. -Nino on the break.
  • (HORN HONKS THREE TIMES)
  • He's here!
  • He's here! That's him!
  • (HORN HONKS THREE TIMES)
  • Stop that boat immediately and let me get my mom!
  • What is a...
  • Pee-Wee Herman.
  • Qui est?
  • (SPEAKING FRENCH AS PEE-WEE HERMAN)
  • Come in, Immaculata. Come in, Immaculata.
  • -He's here! -There's mutiny afoot.
  • GRANT: She's at the bottom of this mutiny.
  • I'm gonna rid myself of this albatross.
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • Oh!
  • We're here!
  • Hey! Hey! Ha ha!
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • He's here!
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • -Go back to New York, Dr. Korman. -Really? Thank you.
  • -Dean! -Madam! The ship has stopped.
  • What happened? Did he strike you?
  • -Did he make you do something? -No! Everything's wonderful.
  • Message over the radio, sir.
  • Annie! Ha ha!
  • Looks like the fun's over.
  • We've got some salmon poachers fishing in illegal waters.
  • That takes precedence over your friend's love life.
  • -Come about! -Son, no more radio.
  • Hey! Hey! Hey, wait a... Hey!
  • -Billy, what's goin' on? -We're turnin' round.
  • They're going after salmon poachers.
  • He's leaving. Where's he going?
  • -Catarina! -Arturo!
  • Oh! I'm coming!
  • -Man overboard! -Shit! Sound the horn.
  • Coming about again, Chapowski.
  • (HORN HONKS)
  • Annie!
  • Oh, no, madam. I cannot let you do this!
  • -What? -Not without a lifejacket.
  • Dean! I'm coming!
  • Madam, you really should play a little hard to get.
  • Tell my mother I'll call her! (SCREAMS)
  • Woman overboard! She's wearing an evening dress, sir.
  • Get those kids out of the rescue boat. Let's go!
  • My mom's out there! Let me...
  • Halt! You treasonous tramp!
  • Conspiring with the enemy at sea is mutiny!
  • Pull!
  • Aah!
  • Another man overboard!
  • I am giving my notice, sir!
  • Annie!
  • Oh, Dean!
  • Annie!
  • Oh, Dean, I love you! I'll never leave you again!
  • I'll never let you go! You're my Annie. You always will be.
  • Man overboard is kissing woman overboard.
  • Our rescue boat is starboard.
  • The guy with the arrows is being pulled in at port.
  • It's a hell of a day at sea, sir.
  • -I can't believe you did it. -Oh, I saw you jump so I jumped.
  • No, I don't mean that.
  • I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.
  • -I didn't. -What do... What do you mean?
  • Well, the truth is that it's mine.
  • The boat, the money, everything. It's all mine.
  • Dean! Dean, it's okay!
  • Oh, my gosh!
  • Hey, buddy!
  • -Oh! Did you tell 'em? -Yeah.
  • They're making out their Christmas lists.
  • -Oh, already? -How do you spell Porsche?
  • They got me thinking, though.
  • What can I possibly give you, ever, that you don't already have?
  • A little girl.
  • ♪ Different people
  • ♪ Different worlds
  • ♪ You just call me
  • ♪ And I'll be there for you
  • ♪ We belong together
  • ♪ You know it's true
  • ♪ 'Cause there's something special about
  • ♪ Me and you
  • ♪ Something special about our love
  • ♪ It's all right
  • ♪ Baby, it's okay
  • ♪ We're gonna make it
  • ♪ No matter what they say
  • ♪ Sure as the stars shine
  • ♪ In the sky above
  • ♪ There is something special about our love
  • ♪ People change
  • ♪ As time goes by
  • ♪ Others come between
  • ♪ But I'll love you
  • ♪ Till the day I die
  • ♪ 'Cause there's something special about
  • ♪ You and me
  • ♪ Something special about our love ♪

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Description

A wealthy, obnoxious woman hires a carpenter to do some work on her yacht. When the two don't see eye-to-eye, the carpenter is left unpaid, while the woman, Joanna, sets sail. The following day, after falling overboard, Joanna's fished out of the sea. When she is diagnosed with amnesia, the carpenter sees a great way to regain the money she owes him... he tells Joanna she's his wife; that way he gets a free housekeeper and mother for his four kids.

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