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"My Mom Got Shot In The Head" - Trevor Noah - (It's My Culture)

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Jul 04, 2019

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"My Mom Got Shot In The Head" - Trevor Noah - (It's My Culture)
"My Mom Got Shot In The Head" - Trevor Noah - (It's My Culture) thumb "My Mom Got Shot In The Head" - Trevor Noah - (It's My Culture) thumb "My Mom Got Shot In The Head" - Trevor Noah - (It's My Culture) thumb

Transcription

  • And it was a Sunday morning
  • I was in bed
  • still asleep, it was early in the morning
  • maybe like 9 or 10 o'clock.
  • and the phone rings
  • and it's my baby brother using my mom's phone
  • his name is Isaac, he's 9 years old
  • so I answer the phone like, hello?
  • "Hello, Trevor?"
  • I said, hey Isaac what do you want?
  • "How are you?"
  • I am fine thanks.
  • "I am also fine, thank you."
  • I am fine thanks and how are you Isaac?
  • "I am fine thanks and how are you?
  • I am fine thank you.
  • "It's a pleasure."
  • "Oh, and Trevor are you busy?"
  • yes sort of, why?
  • "No, because mom's been shot."
  • I am sorry, what?
  • "Yeah, mom has been shot and we are at the hospital. Can you come?"
  • Mom's been shot, okay, what do you mean?
  • Okay of course I can come, which hospital?
  • and he tells me the hospital.
  • can you come?
  • Like he is to polite for his own good
  • can you come?
  • Like I am going to have to slot mom into my schedule
  • "Oh, coffee at two and then, eish!
  • PlayStation at one, okay mom we will try...
  • Come on, can I come?
  • of course I can come, I am panicking.
  • I jump out of bed, I am running around
  • I am trying to put my clothes on, some things are backwards
  • I don’t even notice, I don’t even care
  • I grab the car keys but I am looking for the car keys
  • I am busy running around there, losing my mind
  • I jump into the car, into the streets
  • as soon as I am out the gate, the tears start coming out
  • You cant even control it, you are just driving and all of the sudden
  • (Crying)
  • I am driving, I am trying to hold it back
  • but then I get to the traffic light and the robot is red
  • and I let it out, it just comes out
  • (crying)
  • NO don’t wash my window!
  • No, no, don’t, don’t!
  • Hey, no, no, hey, no, no!
  • Hey, no.
  • (crying)
  • there I am, driving to the hospital like a mad man
  • I get there, jump out the car
  • my brother is standing there at the emergency section
  • I see him outside, he is just standing like nothing happened, looking around
  • I am like, Isaac what happened?
  • He's like, "Mom got shot, she's inside"
  • I am like, are you okay?
  • He's like, "mom was shot, not me."
  • No, that's not what I am saying you idiot
  • whatever, I am coming back
  • So I run inside
  • My mom is in the prep area, all the doctors are standing around her
  • there is blood everywhere, I am looking at the doctors
  • and just by the way
  • doctors are not as good looking as they are on those T.V shows
  • No, like they set the bar really high
  • I was shocked because I ran in and was like what the hell
  • (Confused)
  • Sorry, that was inappropriate, what's happening here guys?
  • "Sir, you need to leave"
  • I said I was sorry, what's happening?
  • No sir, you cant be here please leave.
  • I am like whatever, okay.
  • So I go outside, the nurse come to me and she is like
  • "Mr. Noah?" I said yes.
  • "Okay Mr. Noah, we have your wife stabilized right now and"
  • I said, my wife?
  • She said yes, that's Mrs. Noah right?
  • Yes, that's my mom.
  • Oh, I am sorry thought she was
  • Come on, why would you think she is my wife?
  • You think I would, she is cool but I mean
  • like have you seen the girls
  • oh, I will show you the pictures afterward. What's going on?
  • She's like, "Okay Mr. Noah
  • your mom has just been stabilized and we are gonna have to start thinking about surgery
  • She has been shot in the head and she has been shot in the lower buttox region
  • so this is a very serious thing.
  • I am like, yes it is so what's happening?
  • "Well, we just found out that she doesn’t have medical aid.
  • I said, what?
  • She goes, yeah she doesn’t have medical aid.
  • Now my mom always had medical aid, always
  • but now it turns out she canceled it a few years ago
  • I didn’t know this, she canceled it
  • because she never gets sick.
  • you know those people?
  • I never get sick, I never get sick Trevor
  • I never get sick, I don’t know why I have this. I never get sick
  • Yes, but you didn’t think of bullets.
  • Now she is in the hospital, no medical aid
  • So I said to the nurse, what does this mean?
  • She says well it means we are going to have to put her back in the ambulance
  • and send her to a public hospital.
  • I said, but she is bleeding now, you cant send her
  • She said, " I am sorry sir but that is all we can do, she has to go to public hospital"
  • Now I am panicking, a public hospital?
  • Normally a good place to go, normally
  • but now what's happening is just mis-administation of funds
  • money is going missing, you don’t know what's happening
  • they don’t have the right equipment
  • now I am picturing guys trying to fix my mom
  • There's the doctor, "give me a scalpel"
  • "We got a spanner"
  • "Yeah, bring it. At least it's a shifting
  • okay, lets try something."
  • I am stressed.
  • so I said, well what do we do without medical aid?
  • She says, "well, nothing sir."
  • I said well what if I give you the money?
  • She says, "well, you don’t know how much it will cost sir
  • you cant unless you give us your card and then we just work from there
  • I said well take my card, here's my credit card.
  • She goes, "Sir, it can get very expensive"
  • I said, this is my mom
  • this is my mom, you use the money. Go!
  • She goes, don’t tell me it's expensive
  • this is my mother we are talking about, you know?
  • I realized through this I have neglected my brother
  • he's been standing there the whole time with these big eyes
  • So I am like hey Isaac, hey Isaac
  • what's on your mind man
  • you okay big boy?
  • His like, "Trevor?"
  • Yes?
  • "can I come to your house and play PlayStation later today?"
  • How can you ask me about PlayStation, your mom has just been shot
  • you cant be asking me about that, whats wrong with you you stupid child!
  • You know what, you are never going to play PlayStation again, ever
  • no PlayStation for you ever in your life, ever
  • Go away, go sit down and think about what you just said!
  • PlayStation, how the hell is he going to ask me about PlayStation
  • the nurse comes back and she goes, "Okay Mr. Noah
  • we just used R900 for some blood tests."
  • I am like okay, why are you telling me this?
  • It's R900, this is my mom. Use the money, go!
  • She goes away. R900, how you gonna talk about that?
  • She comes back and says, " Mr. Noah we need R2000 for some x-rays"
  • This is my mom, not a pair of jeans
  • use the money, go!
  • She goes away, I am like my mom is going to die
  • busy asking me questions over here
  • My mom is gonna die, my mom's gonna die
  • that's all I am saying, and I say it and my brother hears me
  • He starts crying.
  • (crying)
  • I am like, Isaac I am sorry.
  • I am sorry, are you okay?
  • He says, "I am not okay"
  • "you said I am never going to play PlayStation ever in my life!
  • now I cant play Need for Speed and cant play PlayStation"
  • I am like, you still crying about PlayStation?
  • you have no right to cry, you hear me!
  • Shut up, stop crying!
  • You cant cry about this, you shut up!
  • Now a woman comes out, she knows my mom has been shot
  • now she thinks I am telling my brother not to cry about my mom
  • She just gets involved, she is like
  • "Hey, you let him cry okay!
  • you let him cry, some people express their pain in different ways
  • you let him cry!"
  • I am like I will not let him cry lady, I will not let him cry
  • many kids grow up without one, okay
  • this is not, it's fine
  • like, he should go play in the park or something
  • it's not the time to cry right now, what the hell
  • you spoil your kids, that's your problem
  • you take it away from them so they can learn about life!
  • You and you, you both shut up! All of you, shut up!
  • I am telling them this, the nurse comes back
  • She goes, "Mr Noah, we are ready for surgery."
  • I am like, so do the surgery.
  • She says, "yes but sir, this can get very expensive
  • ICU and surgery is very expensive"
  • I am like, Lady what is expensive? This is my mother.
  • She says, "anywhere from like R20 000"
  • I am like, R20 000? This is my mom.
  • "all the way to like R500 000."
  • Yo, but she has lived hey?
  • I mean
  • I mean she is like what 57, 57?
  • it's almost finished, you know?
  • even she says she is old, I mean. You know?
  • You said the bullet is in the head, I mean the head, it's finished.
  • yo, because with that money we need to pay for the funeral
  • we need to buy scones for everybody
  • this guy needs a PlayStation, you know
  • so I don’t know if
  • she says, "Sir we need the go ahead otherwise we cant do anything"
  • I said okay, well use the card. Just use the card
  • we will handle the debt
  • She goes away, I am stressed
  • because I have seen this happen to people
  • go into hospital, don’t have enough money
  • use your credit card and the next thing you are in debt for years
  • and the person could die
  • the person dies and when they die
  • the doctor doesn’t give you your money back
  • No, no he doesn’t
  • because he tried and that is all he has to do
  • you will get there and be like, Doctor did you win?
  • He would be like (Ironic sound)
  • and your money is gone
  • that is all I was stressed about
  • but the most amazing thing happened
  • turns out my mother was not that badly hurt.
  • it was a miracle really
  • the ass bullets
  • didn’t do much damage
  • because my family is gifted.
  • the head bullet
  • didn’t hit anything vital
  • other than the head, obviously
  • but it missed her spinal cord
  • missed the nerves, didn’t touch the brain
  • went right through, missed the eye
  • hit the eye socket and deflected
  • and all it did was cut a piece of her nostril off
  • just one side
  • and the bullet went out clean.
  • which meant she didn’t have to go in for intensive surgery
  • and her recovery was only a week.
  • Yeah, a week. Which was fantastic
  • because that means the bill was only R24 000.
  • and she is alive, yes but the bill
  • was only R24 000
  • this was great, really great
  • because R25 000 was my cut-off
  • So
  • You laugh but that is how much I calculated I am willing to pay my mom back
  • for all the Ultramel custard I have consumed in my life.
  • everything else, none of my business
  • food, clothes, schooling, all of that stuff I am not paying
  • I hate it when the parents say that to they're kids
  • "You know how hard I have to work for your bloody school and clothes"
  • "No, no, no!
  • I didn’t ask to be born, that's your job.
  • Please, you handle that
  • I asked for the Ultramel, we can keep a tab
  • don’t involve me in your things."
  • and that is what I calculated, R25 000.
  • I would have been there, R24 750
  • I would have been there by the doctor
  • Hey Doc, it's fine my man. No stop.
  • no, you tried
  • you tried, it's cool
  • no you tried, just switch off there, switch off
  • How much, 250 left?
  • we will pop a draw, just switch off there, it's fine
  • you tried.
  • it was fantastic
  • I told my mom about the 25, she laughed
  • she didn’t know I was serious.
  • and to show you what a crazy family we have
  • my mom is in the recovery ward
  • she has got these tubes in her and everything
  • and an I.V
  • and my brother is in the corner, bored out of his mind
  • and my grandmother is in the other corner reading the bible
  • and I am holding my mom's hand and I am crying
  • still crying, this is a week later. I am still crying
  • (crying)
  • I have been crying the whole week
  • but I have also been using this time to cry for other things in my life.
  • No, because as a man you need to know when to cry
  • you loop it all together and you just cry one time, it's like
  • like we cry in bulk, you got to understand
  • You don’t just cry, one, one, one, no
  • cry in bulk.
  • so I am crying for everything
  • (crying)
  • and my mom looks at me and she goes
  • "Shh Trevor, don’t cry my baby"
  • I said no mom I got to cry, you where shot in the head.
  • She says no, look on the bright side
  • I said, what bright side?
  • She said, at least now because of my nose
  • you are officially the best looking person in the family.
  • I was like, by default. (crying)

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