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Kale Chips - You Suck at Cooking (episode 60)

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06:13   |   May 30, 2017

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Kale Chips - You Suck at Cooking (episode 60)
Kale Chips - You Suck at Cooking (episode 60) thumb Kale Chips - You Suck at Cooking (episode 60) thumb Kale Chips - You Suck at Cooking (episode 60) thumb

Transcription

  • [Intro music]
  • Kale is probably the most hated leafy green on the planet
  • but it's not just because it's become a symbol of hipster-ism
  • It's because out of all of the leafy greens, kale is the most smug.
  • That's why step one when making kale chips, is to humble your kale.
  • Hey, look at me, you're not better than anybody. OK?
  • See this? It's called Romaine.
  • It comes from Rome. Where do you come from? Nowhere. That's where.
  • It's got a high heat tolerance. People use this to make open-faced tuna sandwiches.
  • People don't use you to make open-faced anything because your spine's too thick and nobody wants to eat it.
  • Think about that.
  • See this?
  • It's called Arugula
  • You get more flavor from taking one look at arugula than you do from eating your entire body, K?
  • Don't forget that.
  • See this? It's called red leaf lettuce. The leaves have red in them. Do you have any red in you? No, you don't, 'cause you're boring
  • Oh, look at this, it's a bag of mixed greens. Everyone's invited to the party except you. Why? Because you have the texture of rubber, that's why.
  • Also, you're not a lettuce, you're a cruciferous vegetable. You'll never be a lettuce.
  • Don't forget that.
  • See this?
  • It's called iceberg lettuce [sigh]. You're actually better than iceberg lettuce, I can't lie about that.
  • It's a flavorless textured ball.
  • The ancestors of the people who died in the Titanic have more respect for actual icebergs than they do for iceberg lettuce.
  • That's how bad it is. It's basically crispy water.
  • [Sigh] So you got that going for you.
  • But at least it's named after something cool. It's not named after something that rhymes with hail which falls from the sky and hurts people every year so..
  • Don't forget that.
  • So now you're gonna wanna bail the kale out of the pail that you got on sale
  • Then check it for nails and then pull off its tail while muffling its wail and inspect it to make sure it doesn't contain snails
  • And that it's not too frail. And then use it to check your mail and rub it on the rails with a banana for scale.
  • Then do a criminal background check to make sure it's never been in the prison system because you don't need that kind of negative energy when you're making kale chips
  • Now you wanna wash the kale but make sure you dry it so the water doesn't interfere with the cooking
  • You can give it a vigorous shake or hang it from the cupboard
  • Or hold it outside in the rain so that the raindrops cancel out the tap drops
  • Or use a hair flattener.
  • Or a hair dryer
  • Or put it in the microwave for 0.5 seconds
  • Or tuck it in for a good night's rest
  • Or warm it by the fire
  • Or just become a human salad spinner
  • Oh, God, I feel sick.
  • Now that the kale isn't so high on itself, you can go ahead and tear off some big pieces
  • Take a bowl
  • Put in a handful of kale pieces. Better enough to cover an onion pan.
  • Put in a drizzle of olive oil
  • Bit of salt
  • And mix that up really good.
  • Take a pan
  • With some parchment paper.
  • Spread them out in a single layer
  • Onion's on 350
  • And we'll put those in for about ten minutes
  • Don't forget to set a timer on your phone.
  • If you wanna get a little more flavorful than that..
  • Take some olive oil
  • And some dijon
  • Mix it together
  • Take another handful of kale and get it covered
  • Add a little salt
  • Now take a pan
  • And some parchment paper
  • And spread your kale out in a single layer
  • Onion's on tree fiddy
  • And we'll put that in for about ten minutes.
  • If you wanna take a sharp left turn to Flavortown
  • Take some ginger
  • Pour in some olive oil
  • Grate the ginger into that
  • Now add in a little bit of honey
  • Throw in a handful of kale
  • Mix the honey ginger in there
  • And then coat that the F up
  • Add in a little salt
  • There's a lot of folds in kale. If you were to unfold one kale leaf, it could cover a whole football field
  • If that football field was approximately the size of that kale leaf
  • You wanna take a pan with a piece of parchment paper
  • Spread that kale out in a single layer
  • Ungo's on three fungo
  • Put that in here for about ten minutes
  • Now if you wanna take a sharp right turn into Spice Village
  • Take some olive oil
  • Add in some cumin
  • And then you decide if you wanna put honey or something sweet in here
  • If you're not sure if you should, ask yourself
  • Do I like sweet things or do I only like round things?
  • You wanna coat it nice and evenly
  • Now for this one, you wanna take a pan
  • A single piece of parchment paper
  • You wanna spread that on in one layer
  • Onion's on three funyun
  • We're just gonna put these ones inside for about.. Ten minutes
  • Okay, so our first batch of kale chips is done here
  • Olive oil and salt kale chips are really good
  • Mustard kale chips are.. A little over done
  • Now we've got the.. Sweet and gingery ones
  • Whoa, look at this
  • Ventured into the danger zone here but pulled it out in the nick of time
  • [crunches]
  • Damn these are the best and it's not just 'cause of my sugar addiction
  • [whispers] Yes it is
  • You can't make kale chips if you're the kind of person that'll just get distracted b-
  • Oh.. Duct tape I love this stuff
  • And finally we've got our cumin spiced kale chips
  • Just kale chip perfection raining down on us
  • [Crunches] Mmm
  • No one wants to be that jackass that shows up to a party with kale chips
  • But also you probably wanna bring your kale chips to a party and show everyone how good they are
  • [Sigh] So
  • The way you solve this is
  • Take some of that parchment paper
  • Tape it together
  • Don't make the mistake of thinking you can use masking tape
  • I listened to someone who recommended masking tape on parchment paper and uh
  • It didn't stick at all and so I cut her out of my life
  • [Ripping]
  • And then decide what you're gonna name your kale chips
  • Frumpty Clumpty Kale Chips
  • Blays Paleo Crisps
  • We got Cool Branch Horriblos
  • Cruciferous Belligerence
  • We got Sour Dreaming Bunyan Flavored Kale Chips
  • And.. Taclitos
  • And the final step is to post on Instagram about how you made kale chips and how kale chips are the best
  • And how they saved your life and how they're so good for your kids
  • And how you'll never eat potato chips again and only horrible people eat potato chips
  • And basically potato chips can suck your
  • ♪ You Suck at Cooking ♪
  • Hey, so the reason I haven't posted much recently is because I've been making a new series that's called You Suck at Everything
  • Where I teach you how to suck at
  • Games
  • Ghosts
  • Space
  • Digging Holes
  • And a bunch of other things
  • If you feel like it, you can download the full screen app and start your one-week free trial
  • Or go to fullscreen.com/yousuck
  • There's nine episodes with two coming out each week
  • So if you have nothing better to do, watch You Suck at Everything now on Fullscreen
  • Or don't
  • See if I give a care
  • [whispers] Actually I do give a care, please check it out. Thanks okay bye
  • ♪ Yeah you totally suck ♪

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If you'd like to suck at more than just cooking, learn a thing or two in my new show You Suck At Everything on Fullscreen now: https://fullscreen.com/yousuck The first week is free.

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Kale chips are so easy to make it's more difficult to not make them than to make them.

Rip off some chunks of kale.
Mix with some olive oil.
Add some salt.
Spread on a parchment papered baking sheet.
Cook for around 10 minutes or so on 350

Add it some other tasty things if you feel like it.