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John Mulaney Has A Picture Of A Ghost, Maybe

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00:00   |   Nov 11, 2017

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John Mulaney Has A Picture Of A Ghost, Maybe
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  • WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE MY FIRST
  • GUEST TONIGHT.
  • HE IS A HILARIOUS COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM BROADWAY'S "OH,
  • HELLO."
  • HE'S NOW ON HIS "KID GORGEOUS" COMEDY TOUR.
  • PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY!
  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
  • >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK!
  • >> THANK YOU.
  • >> Stephen: JOHN MULANEY, EVERYBODY!
  • WELCOME BACK.
  • THIS IS THE THIRD TIME?
  • THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE BEEN HERE.
  • >> Stephen: THE THIRD TIME?
  • >> YEAH.
  • >> Stephen: THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.
  • >> THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.
  • >> Stephen: WE'LL GET IT THIS TIME.
  • >> YEAH, WE'LL BE CHARMING THIS TIME.
  • >> Stephen: THAT'S A LOVELY JACKET.
  • VELVET?
  • >> YEAH, THIS IS BLACK VELVET.
  • THIS COLLECTED A LOT OF STUFF BACKSTAGE, BUT THEY ROLLED ME
  • OFF WITH TAPE, AND THEN I WALKED OUT, AND NOW I'M ON TV.
  • >> Stephen: YEAH.
  • WE KNOW IT'S THE CHANGE OF SEASON WHEN YOU CAN BRING THE
  • BLACK VELVET OUT.
  • >> ABSOLUTELY.
  • THAT'S AN OLD MEL TORME LINE.
  • "THE CHANGE OF THE SEASON IS WHEN YOU CAN BRING THE OLD
  • VELVET OUT."
  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPER BUSY, SUPER BUSY.
  • NO SURPRISE THERE.
  • A YOUNG TALENTED MOON LIKE YOU.
  • >> THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY.
  • I HAVE BEEN ON TOUR SINCE MAY AND NOW IT'S GONE EVERY NIGHT.
  • >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "GONE EVERY NIGHT?"
  • >> ON THE RIDE.
  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE ON THE ROAD AND THEN DADDY'S GONE.
  • >> I DON'T SAY "DADDY'S GONE."
  • THAT UPSETS PEOPLE.
  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
  • >> NO, I HAVE A DOG, THOUGH.
  • >> Stephen: THEN YOU SHOULD NOT SAY, "DADDY'S GONE.
  • OF IT WOULD BE WEIRD TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE, "DADDY'S GONE."
  • >> YEAH, WE'VE BEEN GONE-- WE-- I, HAVE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT.
  • AND THAT'S WHY I DON'T KNOW MY ARTICLES OR PRONOUNS.
  • >> Stephen: SO, IT'S CALLED "KID GORGEOUS.
  • OF THE.
  • >> THE TOUR.
  • >> Stephen: ARE YOU "KID GORGEOUS"?
  • >> I DON'T KNOW.
  • IT'S JUST A NAME.
  • I KEPT READING NAMES TO MY WIFE AT A RESTAURANT UNTIL SHE
  • LAUGHED, AND THAT WAS THE ONE SHE WENT WITH.
  • SHE LAUGHED A LOT AT "KID GORGEOUS," AND I SAID I GUESS IT
  • HAS TO BE THAT.
  • I LIKE OLD-FASHIONED THINGS, AND "KID GORGEOUS" --
  • >> Stephen: "KID GORGEOUS" SOUND LIKE YOU'RE A
  • MIDDLE-WEIGHT BOXER.
  • >> YES, YES.
  • >> Stephen: WHO IS FAMOUS FOR NEVER HAVING HIS NOSE BROKEN.
  • >> YES.
  • >> Stephen: HE'S "KID GORGEOUS."
  • >> THERE WAS A MO ON THE SIMPSONS, WAS "KID GORGEOUS,"
  • THEN HE WAS "KID PRESENTABLE."
  • AND I WANTED IT TO BE CALLED "KID CHARLEMAGNE" AFTER THE
  • STEELY DAN SONG, BUT EVERYONE IN MY LIFE WARNED ME AGAINST THAT,
  • SAYING THAT WOULD BE LOST ON PEOPLE AND NOT BE AN EFFECTIVE
  • TOUR NAME.
  • >> Stephen: WHEREAS "KID GORGEOUS" HAS RESONANCE ALL
  • ACROSS AMERICA.
  • >> PEOPLE LIKE VANITY, YEAH.
  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE COMING BACK TO NEW YORK FOR A FOUR NIGHTS AT
  • RADIO CITY, TOTALLY STOLE OUT.
  • >> FOUR SHOWS SOLD OUT, YEAH.
  • AND WE'RE ADDING A FIFTH NOW, SO, YEAH.
  • ( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
  • >> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT GREAT.
  • YOU HAVE PLAYED RADIO CITY BEFORE?
  • >> I HAVE NEVER PLAYED RADIO CITY.
  • >> Stephen: EXTRAORDINARY, EXTRAORDINARY HOUSE.
  • >> EXTRAORDINARY PLACE.
  • I WANT TO REST BEFORE IT.
  • I'M GETTING A LITTLE FRIED ON THIS TOUR, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE
  • AN AMAZING -- >> Stephen: LIKE WHAT KIND OF
  • REST DO YOU NEED?
  • >> I NEED-- SO I TOOK A VACATION WITH MY WIFE, ANA.
  • I HAD BEEN GONE ABOUT 12 NIGHTS, AND WE WENT TO FAIRM TO RELAX IN
  • CONNECTICUT.
  • >> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
  • >> WE GOT THERE -- >> Stephen: SOMEBODY GAVE ME
  • PHOTOS BEFORE YOU CAME OUT HERE.
  • IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?
  • >> YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU THAT IN A MOMENT.
  • I HAD A BIT OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN WHILE I WAS AT THE
  • FARM.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY.
  • >> I LAND FROM SAN FRANCISCO.
  • WE GET A RENTAL CAR AND WE DRIVE TO CONNECTICUT.
  • AND WE GET THERE, AND I'M REALLY HOLOCAUSAND I'MREALLY EXHAUSTED
  • EXISTENTIALLY INSANE, AND TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER.
  • >> Stephen: SURE.
  • >> AND THE CURRENT PRESIDENT TWEETED SOMETHING LIKE, "NO
  • TALKS WITH NORTH KOREA.
  • YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?" AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S NOT
  • HELPING MY SITUATION."
  • THAT WAS THAT WEEKEND HE DID THAT.
  • I WAS OUT WALKING WITH MY DOG TRYING TO CALM DOWN, AND I SAW A
  • GAGGLE OF GEESE?
  • >> Stephen: A GAGGLE OF GEESE, YES.
  • >> A GAGGLE OF GEESE.
  • AND I RAN TOWARDS THEM AND THEY FLEW AWAY AND IT WAS AMUSING.
  • LATER ON THE GEESE WERE BACK AND I HAD THE DOG AND I SAY TO MY
  • WIFE, "CHECK THIS OUT."
  • AND I RUN TOWARDS THE GEESE, AND THEY HOLD THEIR GROUND, AND ONE
  • OF THEM LOOKS AT ME AND OPENS HIS MOUTH, AND HE HAD THIS
  • LIGHT, PINK MOUTH, AND HE WENT "HAAAA."
  • AND CAVEMAN D.N.A. IN ME KNEW GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
  • LIKE, SOME OLD ANCESTOR RAN INTO SOME PTERODACTYLS AND IT WASN'T
  • GOOD, AND THIS WAS LIKE THAT.
  • IT WAS LIKE THESE ARE DINOSAURS, LIKE, GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
  • AND I RAN ACROSS THE CREEK, AND I SAID TO MY WIFE, "THOSE GEESE
  • WEREN'T MESSING AROUND" YOU KNOW?
  • YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR WIFE?
  • ( LAUGHTER ).
  • >> Stephen: YEAH.
  • >> AND SHE SAID, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?
  • GEESE ATTACK PEOPLE."
  • HE SAID, "YOU'RE SUCH A CITY BOY."
  • I SAID, "I DIDN'T KNOW GEESE ATTACKED PEOPLE."
  • SHE SAID, "YEAH, MY BROTHER WAS ATTACKED BY A SWAN
  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO LATER ON IN THE EVENING --
  • >> Stephen: NOT THE SAME AS A GOOSE.
  • >> NOT THE SAME AS A GOOSE.
  • BUT YOU EXPECT MORE FROM A SWAN BECAUSE IT'S MORE COSMOPOLITAN.
  • >> Stephen: THEY'RE GLAMOROUS.
  • >> THEY'RE GLAMOROUS, YES.
  • WE HOLD THEM TO A HIGHER DEGREE.
  • IT'S SAD.
  • SO I'M SITTING-- OKAY, THIS WAS, LIKE, FATIGUE-- AND I'M ALSO
  • TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER IN FRONT OF MY WIFE.
  • I DIDN'T TELL HER ABOUT THE NUCLEAR WAR STUFF AS IF I'M THE
  • ONLY ONE WITH A NEWSPAPER "I'LL HIDE THIS."
  • THE DOG JUMPS INTO MY LAP, IT'S A NICE MOMENT.
  • MY WIFE TAKES A PHOTO OF IT.
  • >> Stephen: IS THIS IT?
  • >> ONE SECOND.
  • NO, I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOUR FLOW.
  • I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW WE TOOK A PHOTO.
  • WE LOOK AT IT.
  • THEN I LEAVE THE ROOM AND SHE WE COME BACK AND LOOK AT IT AGAIN,
  • AND THAT'S A GREEN SPOT THAT WE NEVER SAW RIGHT THERE WHERE MY
  • WEDDING BAND MEETS MY DOG'S STOMACH.
  • >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLOSE-UP.
  • >> AND I SAID, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"
  • WE ZOOM IN, PUSH IT, ASK IT LOOKS LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE
  • TREES.
  • AND I SAID, "WHAT IS THAT?" AND AS SOON AS I SAID, "WHAT IS
  • THAT?" SOME VOICE IN ME THAT WARNED ME
  • ABOUT THE GEESE SAID, "YOU KNOW IT'S A GHOST."
  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO...
  • ( LAUGHTER ) IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT THAT A
  • GREEN ORB APPEARS ON YOUR DOG IN A PHOTO.
  • THAT VERY MUCH LOOKS LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE TREES.
  • AND IMAGINE YOU'RE EXHAUSTED.
  • YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW YOU'D LEAP TO GHOST.
  • >> Stephen: SURE.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A GHOST?
  • >> Stephen: IDON'T THINK SO...
  • I MEAN, I DON'T THINK SO.
  • THIS PLACE MIGHT BE HAUNTED.
  • >> YES THEATERS ARE HAUPTED.
  • >> Stephen: EXREECTLY HAUNTED.
  • >> I'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD IN THEATERS 1900 AND 1910.
  • AND I WAS VERY CAVALIER ABOUT GHOSTGHOSTS AND I'D SAY, "IS THI
  • PLACE HAUNTED?
  • AND WE'D LAUGH ABOUT A GOFT IN THERE.
  • I FELT I HAD A HAUNTING OF SORTS.
  • >> Stephen: THEATERS HAVE A GHOST LIGHT TO KEEP THE GHOST IN
  • ON PURPOSE.
  • >> IF YOU ASK-- IF YOU GO TO AN OLD THEATER, ASK THE STAGEHANDS,
  • "IS THERE A GHOST HERE?" AND THEY'LL BE LIKE, "THERE'S A
  • GHOST."
  • I DID A THEATER IN KANSAS CITY, CALLED THE MIDLANDS, AND THEY
  • SAID THE JANITOR WAS KILLED THERE IN 1910 AND STILL HAUNTS
  • THE LOBBY.
  • I SAID, "WHAT DOES HE DO?" THEY SAID, "WE SEE HIM SWEEPING
  • UP."
  • AND I SAID, "THAT'S DOUBLE TERRIBLE THAT HE'S STUCK BETWEEN
  • REALMS AND HE STILL HAS TO CLEAN THE LOBBY."
  • IT WOULD BE NICE IF THEY WERE LIKE, "WE SAW HIM APPLYING FOR A
  • NEW POSITION, THEN WE-- THEN WE SAW HIM MANAGING THE LOBBY."
  • >> Stephen: I KNOW THERE'S A GHOST IN THIS BUILDING BECAUSE
  • SOMETIMES, LIKE, EVEN DURING THE SHOW, LIKE, A GUEST WILL BE
  • SITTING RIGHT THERE, AND I'LL HEAR THIS VOICE COMING FROM THE
  • GUEST GOING, "I WISH DAVE WAS STILL HERE."
  • ( LAUGHTER ).
  • >> THAT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING DAVE PLANTED.
  • >> Stephen: YEAH, PROBABLY.
  • >> SO I SAW THAT, AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HELD IT TOGETHER ALL
  • DAY.
  • >> Stephen: THIS IS TODAY?
  • >> NO, NO, THAT DAY AT THE FARM.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY.
  • >> I PUSH IN ON THE PHOTO, AND I GO, "TELL ME THAT DOESN'T LOOK
  • LIKE THE MOON THROUGH THE TREES."
  • AND MY WIFE'S LIKE, "ARE YOU OKAY?"
  • AND I SAID, "I THINK WE NEED TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW."
  • >> Stephen: NO, YOU DIDN'T.
  • >> I DID, YEAH.
  • >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T GET YOUR DEPOSIT BACK BECAUSE YOU THINK
  • YOU SAW A GHOST.
  • >> NO, YOU CANNOT.
  • BUT IT WAS ALREADY DARK ON THE FARM ROADS, AND I WAS LIKE, "IF
  • THIS WERE A MOVIE, WOULD IT BE A GOOD IDEA TO DRIVE OUT IN THE
  • DARK?" AND, ALSO, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY
  • TOO LOUD WHAT MY PLAN WAS IN CASE THE GHOSTS WERE LISTENING.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
  • I'M SAD TO SAY -- >> Stephen: WERE THE GHOSTING
  • SAYING ANYTHING?
  • WERE YOU GETTING VOICES IN YOUR HEAD ANYTHING LIKE THAT-- "SHE
  • DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
  • SHE'S YOUR ENEMY.
  • DO SOMETHING!" LIKE ONE OF THOSE "SHINING, ."
  • >> NO, BECAUSE I WAS POSSESSED I WAS ASSUMING MY DOG WAS
  • POSSESSED.
  • WHAT IT TURNED OUT TO BE WAS LENS FLARE.
  • WE LOOKED IT UP AND ON, LIKE-- I WON'T SAY WHAT BRAND OF PHONE
  • BUT IT'S AN iPHONE.
  • AND THEY HAVE-- IT'S A COMMON THING WHERE YOU GET THESE GREEN
  • DOTS, AND THAT'S THE REFLECTION OF THE SUN COMING THROUGH THE
  • TREES AND THE WINDOW PANE BEHIND ME.
  • >> Stephen: IF YOU SAW THIS ON YOUR DOG NOT ON CAMERA, THAT
  • WOULD BE SOMETHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT.
  • >> I WOULD BOW DOWN IN FRONT OF HER AND SAY I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU
  • WANT.
  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LIKE, "BIG MOUTH."
  • >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
  • >> Stephen: THE SHOW YOU'RE DOING WITH NICK KROLL, OUR
  • FRIEND OF THE SHOW.
  • >> THIS IS A WONDERFUL ANIMATED SHOW ON NETFLIX, THAT NICK KROLL
  • AND ANDREW GOLDBERG, HIS FRIEND FROM CHILDHOOD CREATED --
  • >> Stephen: YOU PLAY ANDREW.
  • >> YEAH, I AM A GET FRIEND IN ADULT LIFE.
  • >> Stephen: IT'S ABOUT KIDS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND VERY
  • FUNNY AND VERY HONEST, HARROWING WAYS.
  • >> YEAH.
  • >> Stephen: BECAUSE PUBERTY IS VERY UPSETTING.
  • >> YES, IT FEELS-- IT'S SORT OF A REALIST, NIGHTMARISH ESCAPE OF
  • PUBERTY COMEDY, AND I THINK IT'S HOW-- IT'S HOW PUBERTY FIELD IN
  • A LOT OF WAYS.
  • >> Stephen: DID YOU GO TO CATHOLIC SCHOOLS GROWING UP?
  • >> YEAH, ONLY EXCLUSIVELY.
  • >> Stephen: JESUIT SCHOOLS.
  • ANOTHER THEY TEACH YOU GOOD.
  • BUT DID THEY TEACH YOU, LIKE, ABOUT SEX?
  • DID YOU HAVE, LIKE, PUBERTY, LIKE HEALTH CLASS OR ANYTHING
  • LIKE THAT?
  • >> WE HAD HEALTH CLASS.
  • >> Stephen: DID THEY GO THROUGH THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.
  • >> WE DID A SORT OF MIRACLE ON LIFE ON THE "PLEASE DON'T EVER
  • HAVE SEX" SIDE OF IT.
  • >> Stephen: OKAY.
  • IT'S A MIRACLE THAT YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH.
  • >> YEAH, AND THEY SAID-- THEY WERE LIKE, "NONE OF THE
  • CONTRACEPTIVES WORK, SO DON'T TRY THEM."
  • WELL -- >> Stephen: WOW.
  • >> WELL, YOU KNOW, WE WERE KIDS.
  • IT'S UNFORTUNATELY HAD A LASTING EFFECT IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS OF MY
  • BRAIN, BUT...
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEY THEN-- THE BIG THING WAS
  • THEY WOULD SHOW US THE "MIRACLE OF LIFE" VIDEO, AND I FAINTED AT
  • THAT, NOT ONE YEAR, NOT TWO YEARS, BUT THREE YEARS IN A ROW.
  • ( LAUGHTER ).
  • >> Stephen: I HESITATE TO ASK-- WHAT IS IS IN "THE MIRACLE
  • OF LIFE" VIDEO THAT WOULD MAKE JOHN MULANEY PASS OUTSIDE?
  • >> I DON'T KNOW ANYONE THAT HAS SEEN IT.
  • IT BEGINS WITH A COUPLE THAT DOES NOT LOOK CONTEMPORARY,
  • EARLY 1980s, OR LATE 1970s.
  • AND THEN IT GOES TO ANIMATION ABOUT HOW THEIR TUBES AND
  • DIFFERENT VALVES WORK.
  • AND THEN YOU'RE LIKE WATCHING THESE DIAGRAMS AND YOU'RE LIKE,
  • "ALL RIGHT."
  • AND THEN IT'S A HARD CUT TO THE ENTRY OF A HUMAN INTO THE WORLD.
  • >> Stephen: OF A HUMAN!
  • >> COMING THROUGH THE LOINS OF THEIR MOTHER-- WHICH IS NOTHING
  • WRONG WITH THAT.
  • >> Stephen, OF COURSE, NOT!
  • WE'VE ALL DONE THAT.
  • >> PERFECTLY NATURAL.
  • ABSOLUTELY.
  • EVEN CESAREAN, HOWEVER YOU WANT TO DO IT.
  • IT'S ALL FANTASTIC.
  • SO I WOULD LOOK, AND I WENT-- THE FIRST YEAR I WENT, "HUH?"
  • AND THEN I WAS ON THE FLOOR.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE SECOND YEAR --
  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING?
  • >> THE SECOND YEAR I KNOW IT'S COMING.
  • I GO, "NO WAY AM I GOING TO FLINCH THIS TIME."
  • SO I STARED LONGER.
  • AND I WATCHED MORE OF THE OPENING NUMBER.
  • ( LAUGHTER ) HIT THE FLOOR.
  • THE THIRD YEAR, PEOPLE WERE ROOTING FOR ME TO FAINT.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND LOOKING BACK.
  • AND THEY-- THEY WERE GOING, "HE'S GONNA GO.
  • HE'S GONNA FAINT."
  • AND I JUST-- THE PRESSURE-- I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WAS
  • WATCHING THE VIDEO.
  • I THINK I HAD A PANIC ATTACK BECAUSE ALL THE EYES WERE ON ME.
  • AND I FAINTED AGAIN, JUST TO-- MAYBE JUST TO APPEASE THEM.
  • WHAT A LIFE!
  • WHAT A SAD LIFE TO WANT TO ENTERTAIN SO MUCH THAT I'LL
  • COLLAPSE FOR YOU IF YOU CHEER LOUD ENOUGH.
  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE A PRO.
  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE KID GORGEOUS IS WHAT YOU
  • WERE.
  • >> THANK YOU.
  • >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.
  • >> JOHN MULANEY'S "KID GORGEOUS" IS AT RADIO CITY MUSIC HILL THIS
  • FEBRUARY.
  • JOHN MULANEY, EVERYBODY!

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Description

John Mulaney stops by the Late Show between a run of gigs for his 'Kid Gorgeous' stand-up comedy tour and tells Stephen about a recent photo that feature a glowing ball.

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