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Game Day Artichoke Dip - You Suck at Cooking (episode 71)

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05:06   |   Jan 30, 2018

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Game Day Artichoke Dip - You Suck at Cooking (episode 71)
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Transcription

  • Hhhhh *stretch*
  • *crick* Mmmmm *crack*
  • ♫You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck♫
  • So we're gonna take some Parmesan cheese,
  • get that grated into smithereens,
  • and then put 1 cup of that Parmesan into a bowl
  • *ding ding*
  • Then, we're gonna crack open a couple of mayo pods
  • Usually, two is enough to get a 1/2 cup
  • Throw that in the bowl, aaand...
  • then a 1/2 cup of sour cream.
  • You basically want 1 cup of Parmesan
  • to 1 cup of wet stuff.
  • That could be a cup of Parm,
  • 1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup greek yogurt
  • That could be 1/2 cup Parmesanio,
  • 1/3 mayo, 1/3 sour cream, 1/3 greek yogurt
  • Could be 1 cup Parmesanezia,
  • 1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup sour cream,
  • 1/2 cup cream cheese
  • If you're a maniac, it can be 1 cup Parmesanana
  • and 1 cup mayo
  • or it could be 1 cup Parmesan to 1/2 cup mayo
  • and a 1/2 cup water with white food coloring in it
  • Y O U D E C I D E
  • Then, you're gonna need a leek
  • and because it's game day,
  • I'm gonna chop this with my Knifesketball™
  • It's far more efficient
  • than a conventional chopping knife because...
  • you utilize the bounce, which basically chops it for you
  • and this is a great example
  • of why physics is a good thing,
  • and not a bad thing.
  • I'm gonna take some garlic, aaaand...
  • because it's game day,
  • I'm gonna use my Shredminton Racket™
  • These things are amazing at picnics.
  • To combine this, I'm gonna use my official
  • 2018 Federer Edition Grand Slamjangler™
  • They only made a hundred thousand of these.
  • I'm gonna crack *tss* open a cold one *khh*
  • with the boys *fffsssshhhhhhhh*
  • and because it's game day,
  • I'm gonna cut these up with my...
  • chopping knife
  • *cutting these up with a Chopping Knife™ intensifies*
  • Let's add in those artichokes,
  • some salt,
  • some pepper pepper pepper...
  • and because it's game day,
  • I'm gonna throw in a slash a Hocksauce™
  • There's a lot of other things you could add to this:
  • basil, roasted red pepper, sun-dried tomato, jalapeño,
  • anything you think might taste good
  • even though you're wrong
  • aaaand we're gonna...
  • pour this into a shallow baking dish
  • that I stole from my sister without telling her
  • but that's how you get for taking back the Vitamix
  • Undoh's on four hundo,
  • and we're gonna let that bake
  • until the top starts to brown.
  • If you don't have an undoh
  • or you want to save money on electricity,
  • you can just chuck it in a hot car for a few hours...
  • and then once you eat it,
  • you can drive yourself directly to the hospital.
  • *S L A M*
  • While that's baking,
  • we're gonna get ready for the big game.
  • I've got my mini keg... helmet,
  • so I won't have to get up too often to get another drink
  • I've got my catheter,
  • so I won't have to get up at all...
  • Got my game day shirt
  • Everyone knows I'm a HUGE Glitterbacks fan
  • If they win—OH, this stuff's gonna be EVERYWHERE!
  • I've got my let's party sign so everyone knows...
  • It's time to party
  • I've got my emotional guidance chart
  • so I remember how to respond
  • depending on how the game goes
  • I got my lucky football for my second favorite team
  • *Windows shutdown sound*
  • Go on MVP—
  • *bluescreen of silence*
  • If we win, I've got some extra beer to celebrate with
  • If we lose, I've got...
  • some extra beer to drink
  • I got my ref insult practice station here
  • Hey, ref!
  • Why don't you STOP being a jack wagon,
  • and start REFFING for once in your life!
  • High five, high five, high five, high five
  • Hey, ref!
  • You couldn't ref, even if you had
  • very, specific, reffing instructions
  • that told you how to DO it right!
  • High five, high five, high five, high five
  • Now, the final step to getting ready for the big game
  • is to make sure everyone knows who the alpha is.
  • I do that by wearing my yellow belt,
  • so every dude in the room knows I can take him.
  • If you're wearing one of these,
  • you're not gonna get challenged
  • 99 out of a thousand times.
  • I got my eye drops
  • I put an entire bottle in each eye
  • so that I will not, blink, once.
  • And the most important quality of the alpha is height
  • If you're only 7' 2" like me,
  • you're gonna need a pair of alpha pumps.
  • This allows me to tower over everybody
  • These things are a little tricky to walk in,
  • so if I'm having a cocktail,
  • I throw it in a sippy cup...
  • because if I spill something,
  • that clumsiness will immediately open up a challenge
  • to my alpha authority.
  • *B I G S I P P*
  • If someone DOES decide to challenge you,
  • put your foot down, stay calm,
  • and reveal your "I'm the alpha" shirt
  • underneath your game day shirt.
  • If the dude won't back down,
  • slip him 20 bucks and say,
  • "Hey man, is it cool if... I'm the alpha, just for today?
  • I mean, like, I made all the snacks, it's my apartment,
  • and it would... really mean a lot, uh, to me...
  • i-i-if you're cool with that."
  • This works every time.
  • So now that we know a hundred percent
  • who the alpha is,
  • I'm gonna get back in the kitchen and check on that dip.
  • *graceful alpha walk*
  • *reverb on* Observe how the dip is
  • lightly golden crusted, bubbling steadily
  • like a hot mayo and artichoke volcano.
  • *reverb off* You can eat this with crackers,
  • you can eat this with tortilla chips...
  • I'm gonna eat this with cauliflower,
  • since I'm totally getting ripped on keto right now
  • Just throw in a bit of a...
  • game day golf ball garnish here...
  • and let's get out there and, uh, go sports!
  • ♫ SPORTS! ♫ SPORTS! ♫ SPORTS! ♫
  • ♫ Let's play sports! ♫
  • ♫ BOOKS! ♫ BOOKS! ♫ BOOKS! ♫
  • ♫ Let's read books! ♫
  • ♫ Let's play sports and let's read books and ♫
  • ♫ be well-rounded human beings! ♫
  • ♫ SPORTS! ♫
  • ♫ BOOKS! ♫
  • ♫ SPORTS! ♫

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Description

Do you like games? Do you like days? Do you like Artichokes? Do you like dips? Well boy oh boy do I have good news for you.

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1 cup parmesan
1/2 cup mayo
1/2 cup sour cream or greek yogurt
Shred in some garlic
Chop up a leek
Chop up a small can of artichoke hearts
Mix that stuff together
Throw in some salt, pepper pepper pepper and hot sauce
Bake it until the top gets mildly crustified