Film Theory: Spiderman is DEAD! Web Swinging's Tragic Truth (Spider-Man: Homecoming)

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11:24   |   Jul 07, 2017


Film Theory: Spiderman is DEAD! Web Swinging's Tragic Truth (Spider-Man: Homecoming)
Film Theory: Spiderman is DEAD! Web Swinging's Tragic Truth (Spider-Man: Homecoming) thumb Film Theory: Spiderman is DEAD! Web Swinging's Tragic Truth (Spider-Man: Homecoming) thumb Film Theory: Spiderman is DEAD! Web Swinging's Tragic Truth (Spider-Man: Homecoming) thumb


  • Back in 2012, scientists at the University of Wyoming
  • designed, get this,
  • Spider Goats. No joke! By splicing together
  • the genes of spiders with actual goats,
  • they created barn yard creatures that could spin their own webs!
  • I mean Batman has his Batcow,
  • Let's give Spiderman
  • his Spider goat!
  • [Spider Goat]: Baaawaw
  • *Intro theme*
  • [Goat]: Screams
  • [MatPat]:First screaming goats, then fainting goats, now spider goats.
  • Seriously, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
  • Hello, Internet! Welcome to Film Theory,
  • the show who's intro starts with a topic I have yet to cover,
  • in the two years of this channel's existence.
  • Simply because I was so confident that we'd actually get to covering it.
  • And today we're finally going to talk about radioactive Spidermans.
  • Now before we get into today's theory,
  • let me just say the new movie looks incredible!
  • Though of course I can't say for certain, since,
  • ya know, I wasn't invited to the previews...
  • Unlike literally every other
  • movie youtube channel out there.
  • And also Smosh Games... for some reason
  • who I love ya guys but... (Annoyed grunt)
  • And uh... I don't know man
  • Mickey Mouse is just trying to grind my face into the dirt
  • with his over sized, cartoonish, yellow shoe. *Extremely bad Mickey laugh imitation*
  • *imitating Mickey* "You suck Mat!" Aaaaaanyway enough about me and the chip in my shoulder
  • about being one of the largest film channels on YouTube but still
  • not getting invited to events like that... Today it is time to
  • whip out your theory shooters because *get this*,
  • Peter Parker,
  • (Your friendly neighborhood spider bro),
  • yeah, well, he is, without question, totally dead.
  • OhOhOH, nonono, not in a "he's dead
  • and symbolically making his way through the phases of grief
  • Majora's Mask" kinda way. More of a "Hey, have you ever really
  • stopped to think about what the fatal ramifacations of a
  • human pocessing spider powers might be?"
  • Because here's the thing, forget Rhino and Lizard and Vulture.
  • Spiderman's biggest enemy is gonna be his own anatomy,
  • every time he steps out
  • the door to do some web swinging.
  • Now, you'll notice in most versions of the story Spiderman got his powers
  • after being bitten by a radioactive spider
  • which alters his DNA and gives him awesome powers
  • like super strength proportional to that of spider, lightning fast reflexes,
  • climbing walls and Spider-sense.
  • AKA literally being able to predict the future.
  • Because I don't know about you, but the first thing comes to mind when I'm
  • thinking about spiders is their reputation as nature's fortune tellers!
  • Why is Spider-sense a thing?
  • Maybe there is an actual reason for it.
  • Come to think of it, Spider-sense makes literally no sense.
  • You'll notice though one thing I didn't mention is his ability to shoot spider webs!
  • Because that one is a bit tricky.
  • You see, originally Spiderman made the web shooters himself
  • but also sometimes in the comics he
  • did get the ability to make spiderwebs inside his own body
  • and then the movies gave him the power just right off the bat.
  • So long story short, it's complicated,
  • alright? But
  • it gets even more awkwardly complicated when you consider that
  • the male spiders' web shooters share space with *whispers* their reproductive ducts
  • Ugh, whispering it just makes it sound even grosser.
  • So needless to say we are not even touching that one. This
  • is still a family friendly show. I'm not even going close to that one.
  • But all joking aside, it's that man part
  • of Spider-Man that's going to get Peter Parker into trouble.
  • I mean, sure. Peter's DNA might have changed with the spider bite,
  • but he's still a human.
  • Well... most of the time.
  • What I'm trying to point out to you today is that no amount of radiation is suddenly
  • gonna change the way his body is constructed.
  • The way that blood pumps through his veins
  • or that he has an actual endoskeleton.
  • And details like that, while they may seem insignificant,
  • actually matter a lot, when you're suddenly subjecting yourself to
  • very non-human, spider like activities like web swinging.
  • These are literally the difference makers between life or death.
  • And Peter... is definitely gonna be on the death side of that spectrum
  • no matter how much spider strength he might possess.
  • For instance,
  • Spiders have what's called an open circulatory system.
  • *Spiderman theme music* Spider blood! Spider blood! Radio- *music stops
  • Yeah!!! That opening for the '90's cartoon was so rad!
  • And so scientifically inaccurate because spiders don't actually
  • have blood, radioactive or otherwise. You see,
  • a spider's open circulatory system consists of a big ol'
  • muscle sack of a heart filled with what's known as hemolymph.
  • Basically, the fancy word for bug blood.
  • In retrospect, I guess *mimics Spiderman theme song* Hemolymph Hemolymph
  • Radioactive Hemolymph. *returns to normal*
  • wouldn't have been as big of a hit with the kiddies.
  • Anyway, inside the spider's body, the heart contracts to put pressure on the hemolymph.
  • Which pushes it out to fill large sacks around the essential organs
  • And that, ladies and gentleman is how oxygen gets
  • to all the important parts of a spider's body.
  • The hemolymph is kinda free to flow wherever it wants to
  • until the heart summons it back, cleans out the wastes,
  • and then pushes it back into the sacks again.
  • Humans, by contrast, have a closed circulatory system
  • where the blood is trapped inside one continuous loop
  • running through arteries and veins as it flows from the lungs to
  • the heart and around the body.
  • It's a great system that works really well, until you start
  • having to deal with g-forces. You see, when trapped in a closed
  • circulatory system, g-forces can actually pull blood
  • down and away from the organs they need to go to.
  • Places like, say, the brain.
  • We're a second or two without oxygen and WHAMO!
  • You have passed out! And guess who's feeling a
  • bunch of extra g-forces literally all the time?
  • Good ol' Peter Parker, our friendly
  • neighborhood Spiderman, as he web-swings
  • his way through the city. Just how many G's?
  • Let's talk about that.
  • You know how when you spin a bucket of water around, the water
  • stays in the bottom of the bucket and doesn't fall out when it's upside down?
  • Well, that happens because of centripetal force, the force that acts on
  • anything moving in a circular path and that force
  • is directed towards the center of the circle.
  • But now, replace the bucket with Peter's body
  • and the water with Peter's blood.
  • So I ran the calculations and found that every time Spiderman swings through the city,
  • he's experiencing, at minimum, 3 Gs of force as
  • his body bottoms out of the arc of his swing,
  • sending blood rushing out of his brain and down to his feet.
  • Spiders, when they swing on webs, don't have the
  • same problem because of their open circulatory system.
  • They can just contract their heart more to force
  • the hemolymph to spread around their body more evenly. But a human?
  • We're in trouble. It's actually a reason
  • why fighter pilots have to wear special compression suits when they're stunt flying,
  • so their blood can stay more evenly distributed around their bodies
  • as they flip through the air.
  • And call me crazy, but the last thing you want to have happen
  • while flying around on a thin rope of webbing hundreds of metres above the road
  • is the black out and go careening down
  • to slam into the ground. Not very super heroic of you, there, Spiderboy.
  • But lightheadedness is the least of Spidey's worries.
  • I don't care how super he is, he'd constantly be
  • rupturing his own internal organs every time he swung around on those webs
  • How? Well, with moments like this:
  • Deadpool: "He's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it!
  • Whooo! Superhero landing!"
  • Spiderman: "Hey, everyone."
  • These sorts of landings are iconic for Spiderman.
  • And yet, they'd also be unbelievably deadly.
  • Take for instance this scene in Sam Raimi's original Spiderman.
  • Peter discovers that he has the ability to shoot webs,
  • and on his first attempt to swing, he hits a wall like Wile E. Coyote
  • Hilarious? More like hilariously dead. *slam sound effect*
  • After seeing this and running some quick numbers using pixel measurements,
  • Peter is swinging in this scene at over 17 meters per second,
  • or almost 40 miles per hour.
  • And he's hitting that wall with over 75,000 Newtons of force.
  • That translates to over 100 G-forces of deceleration instantaneously.
  • Remember!
  • Peter isn't a spider. He's a SpiderMAN.
  • And even with enhanced super strength and reflexes, he's still just a guy.
  • A guy who definitely just had all his internal organs slam into his ribcage because,
  • unlike a real sider, who has an exoskeleton,
  • humans have hard bones inside their bodies protecting the organs that
  • are sloshing around inside there.
  • And when you're swinging at 40 miles an hour and suddenly come to a dead stop,
  • that protection becomes a dangerous roadblock,
  • as your organs want to keep up with their momentum only to
  • crash headlong into the ribcage, rupturing themselves in the process.
  • But hey, if the sudden stop doesn't kill him well, the extreme falls will.
  • Again, spiders have evolved and adapted to their wall climbing, web-based lifestyle.
  • And that means adapting to avoid fall damage.
  • More specifically, spiders bodies are built in a way that they have high surface area
  • relative to their volume.
  • In other words, this means they have a large surface to act as an aerofoil
  • and thus slow their fall, coupled with a small overall mass.
  • They're kinda like a natural parachute.
  • They've evolved in a way that enables them to fall from huge heights and still survive,
  • because that's what their life entails every single day.
  • Climbing into high corners, building webs, and yeah,
  • sometimes getting caught by a stay breeze or Swiffer, only to plummet to the ground.
  • They need to be able to survive that and their bodies are built accordingly.
  • Humans, on the other hand,
  • are built to sit on their computers and type.
  • And thus, that means they're dense.
  • And shaped like walking, talking railroad spikes.
  • Wide spider is wide, but narrow Spiderman is cutting through the air like butter!
  • The way his body is shaped isn't gonna help him slow his descent at all.
  • So surviving the punishing 600 megapascals of pressure
  • he's placing on his body with 200 meter dead drop landings like this one
  • is just impossible!
  • But most importantly, remember that chitin exoskeleton
  • that spiders have I mentioned a couple paragraphs ago?
  • Well, they have two, technically.
  • The outer layer is hardened and resistant to puncture forces,
  • and the inner layer is more stretchy,
  • and has a high tensile strength.
  • It's able to bend and flex,
  • to do things like, you know, absorb the impact of performing landings like this one.
  • But if you're a dense human rod with dense human rod-like bones inside of you,
  • holding everything together,
  • those things will absolutely shatter and break when you're putting that amount of pressure on them,
  • spider strength or no!
  • Let's just say that Tom Holland is gonna lose a few more inches off of his already petite stature.
  • Long story short,
  • Spiders have evolved to the form they are today over thousands of years.
  • To perfect a body type that's adapted to all of it's creepy-crawly, weird arachnid needs.
  • Climbing walls, falling off those walls, changing velocity quickly.
  • Those same powers, but without the proper body structures to support those powers
  • is gonna just be a recipe for disaster.
  • Our soft and squishy, not-parachute like, closed circulatory, dense bodies
  • just aren't equipped to handle it, spider bite or no.
  • Moral of the story is that web swinging is NOT something humans should be doing
  • unless supervised by an adult...
  • In a giant flying robot exoskeleton.
  • But hey! That's just a theory!
  • A Film Theory!!
  • Aaaaaaaand cut!
  • *outro music*

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It has been a topic I've wanted to cover since the start of Film Theory, and now that Spiderman Homecoming is in theaters I figured what better time? And after plenty of research, it turns out that our Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman is DEAD! Pure and simple. And it's by his own doing! In the end it is not the Rhino, or Vulture, or any other animal that stomps this pest into the ground. No, it is that cruel mistress known as Physics!

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