LOADING ...

Every Chad Ever: Part 1 - SNL

268K+ views   |   8K+ likes   |   246 dislikes   |  
Oct 01, 2019

Thumbs

Every Chad Ever: Part 1 - SNL
Every Chad Ever: Part 1 - SNL thumb Every Chad Ever: Part 1 - SNL thumb Every Chad Ever: Part 1 - SNL thumb

Transcription

  • -That boy is our last hope
  • -I do not see a boy.
  • I see a warrior.
  • -Ha ha! Look.
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • -Oh, word?
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • [ Music continues indistinctly over headphones ]
  • -Chad!
  • Chad!
  • -Oh. [ Music stops ]
  • What up, Miss Handler?
  • [ Vacuum stops ]
  • Hey.
  • -Oh, my God.
  • Chad -- No, no, Chad. We can't do this anymore.
  • -Oh, okay.
  • -Wait.
  • -I couldn't sleep last night
  • -Oh, I hate that. -What am I doing?
  • Am I some bored housewife
  • who's having an affair with her 23-year-old pool boy?
  • I mean, what is this? -Your kitchen.
  • -No, I mean us.
  • I really hope you understand but we have to end this.
  • -Okay.
  • -God, I had no idea it would be this hard.
  • It's just when at first --
  • [ Vacuum starts ]
  • Chad!
  • -What up?
  • -You deserve an explanation!
  • -Oh, okay, cool.
  • [ Vacuum stops ]
  • -Look, you've done nothing wrong, okay?
  • I should have known better but I don't know, it was just --
  • it was fun.
  • It was new.
  • -Okay. -But, my God.
  • I'm a married woman with three kids.
  • My husband's on the city council.
  • I'm the PTA president at Melanie's school.
  • -Who's Melanie? -My daughter.
  • -Okay.
  • -God, if this got out, it would just ruin my life
  • our family's lives. -Aw. My bad.
  • -But, God, all I want you to d is clear the bags off this table
  • and take me right now.
  • -Okay.
  • -But you can't. -Oh, okay.
  • -Because I've learned that sometimes getting what you wan
  • means losing what you already have.
  • Look, I -- I wrote this for you last night.
  • -Oh, okay.
  • -Oh, my God, I'm blushing.
  • I just want you to know I'm no a very good writer, okay?
  • And, I mean, it's not sophisticated,
  • but it's how I feel.
  • I just -- I mean every wor
  • of what I wrote.
  • -Whoa!
  • Hey, Miss Handler!
  • I found a dead squirrel in your pool! [ Chuckles ]
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • -Bye, Chad.
  • [ Lawnmower starts ]
  • Hello?
  • -What up?
  • -Where's Phillip?
  • -Oh, my uncle just hired me.
  • I'm gonna be doing your house now.
  • I'm Toby.
  • -I'm gonna [bleep] that kid.
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • -No, that's alright.
  • I-I do think that is what Descartes intended.
  • For instance, people who speak exist.
  • You and I are speaking,
  • therefore, you and I...
  • -Exist?
  • -Congratulations.
  • You just used your first Cartesian logic
  • -Okay.
  • -You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad.
  • I really quite enjoy our visits.
  • -Okay.
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • No, thanks.
  • -Oh, help.
  • No. I-I'm so sorry.
  • That was unbelievably inappropriate behavior, Chad
  • I...
  • I apologize. I just -- I-I-I misread the moment.
  • -Okay.
  • -See, I mistook your frequent visits here
  • to mean...
  • something more.
  • -Aw. My bad.
  • -No, it's... not your fault at all.
  • Truth be told, I've not been myself of late.
  • And this weekend, I...
  • I'm getting married to a beautiful young lady.
  • -Oh, congrats.
  • -And yet, I feel nothing, Chad
  • Nothing! -Okay.
  • -Oh, but that doesn't matter
  • because it's all a part of Daddy's master plan.
  • You know, marry the rich gir from Newport,
  • become a professor and achieve tenure by 40.
  • God forbid the great Leonard Buckley's so
  • should feel the love of another man!
  • [ Globe shatters ] -Oh, no, your globe.
  • -I was drawn to you, Chad, because, truth be told,
  • I envy you.
  • You're a man who lives his lif free from doubt and worry.
  • I want to be you, Chad.
  • -Okay.
  • -Oh, my word. This is so pathetic.
  • Look at me, I'm a 28 year ol professor's assistant,
  • pouring my heart out to a sophomore's student.
  • Am I boring you?
  • -Kind of.
  • -Ugh.
  • You can, of course, leave at any time you wish
  • and spare yourself my ramblings, though I have to admit,
  • having an ear to bend make a welcomed respite fro--
  • [ Door closes ]
  • Chad?
  • Chad?!
  • Chad?
  • -What up?
  • -Would you mind skating back here for a moment?
  • There's something else I wanted to say to you.
  • -Oh, okay.
  • -Chad, you passed it.
  • -Oh, my bad.
  • -Chad, I hope we can forge
  • about my brief lack
  • of self-control today. -Okay.
  • -I truly hope that my action haven't tainted our friendship
  • -[ Chuckles ] "Taint."
  • -And lastly, Chad, I'd like to thank you
  • because today, you taught me
  • For a brief moment,
  • I wasn't a spectator
  • to my own life.
  • I was living it.
  • -[ Farts ]
  • Safety.
  • -[ Chuckles ]
  • -You're right, Chad. I should laugh more.
  • Anyway...
  • I'd appreciate it if you kep what happened between us today
  • a secret. -Okay.
  • -Hey, Chad. What the hell? What's taking so long?
  • -Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me
  • -Okay. Are you hungry?
  • -Uh-huh.
  • -Oh, you're so right, Chad
  • I shouldn't keep my secret in the dark.
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • Thank you, Chad.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • Thank you.
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • [ Video game sound effects ]
  • [ Humming ]
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -Welcome.
  • Our prophets told of a savior.
  • He would arrive from another land
  • and free our world from the grip of darkness.
  • What is your birth name?
  • -Chad.
  • -The Dark Lord Azerhan and his Army of Shadows
  • has entombed our world in ice and snow.
  • -Only you can defeat him, Chad -Okay.
  • -We must inform the queen of your arrival.
  • -No need.
  • I felt his presence.
  • -[ Chuckles ]
  • -I am Queen Chrysalis, ruler of Etheria
  • and the nine rivers
  • from Stark to Everseed. -Okay.
  • -There was a time when these meadows bloomed
  • and there is hope they may bloom again,
  • for today marks your coming.
  • -Heh heh. "Coming." -You are the savior of Etheria
  • So says the prophecy!
  • -So says the prophecy!
  • -Okay.
  • -But you must undertake a dangerous journey.
  • You may return to your world at any time if you desire.
  • The choice is yours.
  • But be warned.
  • -He left. -What?
  • Go.
  • -My liege. -Yes.
  • -Chad...
  • why did you leave?
  • -I was bored.
  • -Can you come back for a moment? We weren't done.
  • -Okay.
  • -Thank you, Chad.
  • You have chosen to follow your destiny.
  • -First, you must climb
  • the Mountain of Despair. -Okay.
  • -Then ford the River of Flame. -Okay.
  • -And survive the Forest of Translucent Transgressions.
  • -And after the veil of evi is lifted,
  • you will become King,
  • and I will gift with you my virginity.
  • -Dope.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -After your journey.
  • -Oh. Okay.
  • -To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.
  • -From the Order of the Centauri,
  • I present you with this map to guide you.
  • Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it
  • May they rest with the gods.
  • [ Wind gusts ] [ Laughter ]
  • -And from the Kingdom of Dwarves,
  • I give you the Crystal of Gumligin
  • to light your path.
  • [ Twinkle! ] -Gay.
  • -And from the Elven Council,
  • the sword of the great warrior Ashton.
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • -Safe travels, young warrior
  • May the great gods bless you
  • -Okay.
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • -That boy is our last hope
  • -I do not see a boy.
  • I see a warrior.
  • -Ha ha! Look!
  • [ Laughter ]
  • ♪♪♪♪
  • -Heh.
  • It's like his sword is his penis.
  • Very clever.
  • -Okay.
  • -Going once, going twice.
  • Whoa! Sold for a whopping $1,600
  • Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six.
  • You have won breakfast and a private tennis lesso
  • with our head instructor, Brandon.
  • -[ Chuckles ] Heads up, I'm gonna make you sweat.
  • -At breakfast?
  • -No. The tennis lesson.
  • -Okay, you two go see Dana to set that date.
  • $1,600 is the biggest take so far
  • in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club Bachelor Auction
  • Remember, all proceeds from tonight go
  • to our club's youth traveling team.
  • So keep those bids coming.
  • Our next tennis club bachelo works at the Club Pro Shop
  • It's Chad.
  • Uh, you may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot
  • You are bidding on a lunch with Chad.
  • So we'll start the bidding at, I don't know, 50 bucks.
  • Sound good, Chad? -Okay.
  • -Alright, do I hear $50?
  • -Oh, my God.
  • There's something about that boy.
  • $50! -$100.
  • -$500.
  • -$1,000.
  • -Wow, uh, Chad's a hit.
  • Anything to keep those bids coming, man?
  • You got any hidden talents, Chad?
  • -Uh, I-I made up a dance calle "The Doink Doink."
  • -Alright, let's see it.
  • -Okay.
  • ♪♪ Doink, doink ♪♪
  • ♪♪ Doink, doink ♪♪
  • ♪♪ Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink ♪♪
  • Whoo!
  • -Oh, my God.
  • "The Doink Doink" is amazing
  • -Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia
  • -$5,000. -Oh, typical Cecile.
  • Jump in when the action's hot.
  • -$10,000, and I'll raise myself to $15,000.
  • I must have the Doink Doink.
  • -Go home, ladies!
  • Patty's come to play.
  • 30,000 damn dollars!
  • -$50,000, and that's a bargain.
  • -Look, I am willing to go to six figures,
  • but I need more.
  • What else does Chad bring to the table?
  • -Uh, any other talents, Chad
  • -Uh, I-I could do an impressio of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.
  • -Oh, Jesus Christ. This place is going to explode
  • -$100,000. I don't even need to hear it
  • -What if it's not good?
  • -Of course it'll be good. It's Chad, you cow!
  • -Just shut up. All of you.
  • Let Chad work.
  • -Okay, uh...
  • this is when he's talking to his dog.
  • [ As Jim Carrey ] "Tomorrow is Christmas.
  • It's practically here!"
  • -$500,000.
  • -$600,000.
  • That sounded exactly like the Grinch!
  • -$700,000,
  • and I didn't even see "The Grinch."
  • -I feel like I'm in the Upside Down right now.
  • Chad's Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.
  • Anything else you're hidin from us, Chad?
  • -Oh, uh, I can do a magic trick.
  • -It's pointless, ladies.
  • There's a reason you all call me "Richy Bitch" behind my back
  • I get what I want. -Oh, quiet, pig! Look!
  • -Boing, boing, boing, boing!
  • Boing, boing, boing, boing
  • Boing, boing, boing, boing!
  • -$10 million!
  • -$10 million going once, twice
  • sold to the mystery man in the fun coat!
  • Who are you, sir?
  • -It doesn't matter.
  • What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine!
  • Have the boy cleaned and taken to my lodge.
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -Sounds kind of creepy. Uh, you cool with that, Chad
  • -Okay.
  • -Okay. Big hand for Chad.
  • Alright, Chad!
  • Alright. Onto our big-ticket item.
  • We pulled a lot of strings to get him here.
  • Get your checkbooks ready for our next bachelor,
  • tennis legend John McEnroe
  • [ Cheers and applause ]
  • -How you doing? -Good.
  • -Tell us --
  • What are they bidding on, Mr. McEnroe?
  • -Alright, I'm offering a weekend stay at my estate,
  • AKA, the Mac Shack.
  • It includes a three-hour tenni lesson from yours truly,
  • a mixed doubles match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf
  • and, of course, unlimited selfies with me,
  • John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.
  • -Whoa! Okay.
  • The bad boy of tennis.
  • Ladies, start that bidding
  • [ Laughter ]
  • -What?
  • You got to be kidding me.
  • I'm John McEnroe, man!
  • What do you ladies want?
  • You can bring Chad along.
  • Is this what you want?
  • Doink, doink!
  • Doink, doink! Doink, doink
  • -$20 million!
  • -Now that is more like it.
  • -Sold for $20 million!
  • [ Applause ]
  • -Oh, word?

Download subtitle

Description

From the moment they meet him, everyone seems to fall in love with Chad (Pete Davidson). Watch every Chad sketch ever made.

Subscribe to SNL: https://goo.gl/tUsXwM
Stream Current Full Episodes: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live

Watch Past SNL Seasons: 
Google Play - http://bit.ly/SNLGooglePlay 
iTunes - http://bit.ly/SNLiTunes

Follow SNL Social -
SNL Instagram: http://instagram.com/nbcsnl 
SNL Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/snl
SNL Twitter: https://twitter.com/nbcsnl
SNL Tumblr: http://nbcsnl.tumblr.com/
SNL Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/nbcsnl/