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Carson Can’t Keep Up with Rodney Dangerfield’s Non-Stop One-Liners (1974)

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11:51   |   Mar 05, 2018

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Carson Can’t Keep Up with Rodney Dangerfield’s Non-Stop One-Liners (1974)
Carson Can’t Keep Up with Rodney Dangerfield’s Non-Stop One-Liners (1974) thumb Carson Can’t Keep Up with Rodney Dangerfield’s Non-Stop One-Liners (1974) thumb Carson Can’t Keep Up with Rodney Dangerfield’s Non-Stop One-Liners (1974) thumb

Transcription

  • (lively music with audience applause)
  • - What a crowd, what a crowd, you know,
  • beautiful, beautiful, no kidding.
  • You look great out there.
  • (audience cheer and applause)
  • Thank you very much.
  • I'll tell ya, tonight it's nice,
  • we got a grown-up crowd too, you know?
  • Yeah, I did a show last week for a bunch of teenagers.
  • And these kids carry on today,
  • you can't tell boys from girls.
  • I mean the girls all wear slacks,
  • fellas let their hair grow.
  • I was talking to somebody and I asked him
  • "Look at that teenager, what's that a boy or a girl?"
  • He said "That's a boy, that's my son".
  • I said "Sure, you knew, you're his father".
  • He said "I'm not his father, I'm his mother".
  • (audience laughter and light applause)
  • I don't know, I tell ya life isn't easy.
  • After a while you don't know who to believe anymore.
  • The other day I was in my bank,
  • they got signs all over there,
  • "At this bank you have a friend".
  • Last month I was two payments behind.
  • My friend took away my car.
  • (laughter)
  • I'll tell ya with me nothin' comes easy, nothin', you know?
  • Last week I saw my dentist, another beauty, my dentist.
  • And I said to him "Can you put in a new tooth
  • "to match my other teeth?"
  • He put in a tooth with four cavities.
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • I'll tell ya last week was a rough week for me,
  • I broke up with my psychiatrist too last week.
  • For the first time I told him, "I got suicidal tendencies".
  • He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
  • (laughter)
  • The first time I saw a psychiatrist I felt like two cents.
  • I was a kid, I said to him "Doc can you help me,
  • "all day long I keep thinking I'm ugly".
  • He made me lay on a couch face down.
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • I tell ya when I was a kid I got no respect.
  • No respect at all, you know?
  • The time I was lost on a beach,
  • and a cop would be looking for my parents.
  • I said to the cop "Do you think we'll find 'em?"
  • He said "I don't know kid,
  • "there's so many places they could hide".
  • (laughter and applause)
  • And when I was a kid my old man,
  • he didn't help me either you know.
  • The time I asked my old man if I can go ice skating
  • on a lake he told me to wait 'till it gets warmer.
  • (audience laughter)
  • I'll tell ya, sometimes I can't take it no more.
  • Today I got two kids and that's rough too you know,
  • you can't talk to kids today.
  • My boy's birthday last week.
  • Had a little party, brought out the cake,
  • the kid blew out all the candles.
  • I said to him "I hope your wish comes true".
  • He said "If it does that's the last time
  • "you'll watch me blow out candles".
  • (audience laughter)
  • A smart kid I got you know.
  • Like the last time I took my kid to Coney Island
  • I asked him "Wanna go in a crazy house?"
  • He told me to save my money, we'll be home soon.
  • (audience laughter and applause with lively music)
  • - That's great-
  • (audience applause)
  • - Here we are out with a couple of blondes.
  • - Yeah, it's good seeing ya, it's been a long time.
  • - I always get a kick out of comin' out here,
  • they treat you right over here.
  • It's one place they treat you right.
  • You know, I leave the club...
  • I closed this week in a club in New York
  • but I'll be back next month-
  • - You just closed it, lock it up-
  • - I locked the whole thing up for a week
  • and I'll come back next Monday night, September 9th
  • and tell my jokes again at Dangerfield's.
  • It's always a kick to come out here.
  • - Yeah-
  • - I love it out here, I like to go to Vegas too you know.
  • - Do ya?
  • - I'm goin' to Vegas right, for a couple of days.
  • I always go over there, you meet so many wonderful,
  • wonderful people over there, you just have no idea.
  • (laughter)
  • - Great, can you tell us about a few of them?
  • - Well, last time I was there I met a lovely girl-
  • Oh a lovely girl, Valerie DuBois.
  • - Valerie DuBois-
  • - Lovely girl, Valerie DuBois.
  • In fact she told me to call her VD for short.
  • (enthusiastic audience applause)
  • - Wonderful people out in Vegas, really likes me.
  • Oh, Vegas is really sweet, they got the gambling there,
  • the big hotels- - Wild-
  • - And nightclubs, what big nightclubs
  • they've got there, it's something.
  • It's really so different than the places I worked
  • when I broke in you know, tough places.
  • - You worked in the little joints, right?
  • - Ooh, I worked tough places you know.
  • Places like Rosario's Rocket Room?
  • - Rosario's Rocket Room, tough, tough.
  • - Dominick's Atomic Bar & Grill?
  • Ooh, that was another one, sure.
  • Ooh Dominick, he was tough, ooh was he tough now.
  • - Tough owner-
  • - During the show he used to yell at the acts all the time.
  • One night a guy was singing "Why was I born"
  • and he yelled out not to sing!
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • - That's a real heckler, Dominick bad news, yeah-
  • - I'll tell ya in show business you gotta get the brakes,
  • you gotta get the brakes Johnny.
  • - I would guess so, yeah.
  • - I never got the brakes never-
  • - Really?
  • - As a kid I never got the brakes either, never.
  • - This has been following you all your life you mean-
  • - I was rough when I was a kid.
  • - When I was a kid the first time I had my picture taken
  • the pony threw me.
  • (audience laughter)
  • It's another one I should've-
  • You gotta try 'em out of town, right, yeah-
  • Can't bring 'em in-
  • - Take him on a road to you, take him on a road.
  • You gotta break him in.
  • So you ever the feeling you're wasting your whole life?
  • I don't know, it's not easy.
  • I got no respect the day I was born.
  • - Really?
  • - No respect, the doctor picked me up and smacked me,
  • I found out the nurse, she got a few in too you know.
  • (lively applause and laughter)
  • - We gotta take a break here, but then we'll come right back
  • and find out how your health is,
  • 'cause I'm always interested-
  • - I feel like I'm doing a magic act up here.
  • - After this message of interest.
  • (audience applause and laughter)
  • - If you just happened to tune in late, tonight-
  • (audience applause)
  • My guests are Ms. Doris Day, Carol Wayne
  • and we were just listening to the trials and tribulations
  • of Mr. Rodney Dangerfield as a youngster.
  • Sometimes I think you're puttin' me on
  • but you did come from a rather-
  • - Oh, I had a very- - Bad background as a kid-
  • - Very rough childhood, I was a lonely kid too Johnny.
  • Ooh, was I lonely- - Yeah, lonely huh?
  • Even in a park I had no friends.
  • - Really?
  • I remember the see-saw,
  • I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other-
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • - That's lonely, that's sad.
  • - When I grew up I was lonely too, when I grew up.
  • I couldn't get dates with girls.
  • - Girls didn't-
  • - With girls they go for a guy with looks,
  • everything is looks, looks you know?
  • But there's things more important than looks.
  • It's underneath what counts, soul, depth.
  • That's what's important, not looks.
  • Now how many times do you take a walk in the street
  • and you see a tall handsome man,
  • walking arm in arm with a short, fat ugly girl.
  • I never saw that, did you ever see that-
  • - Never saw that at all, never saw that.
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • - Of course-
  • - Probably had no soul, or any depth there-
  • - The looks don't mean nothin' man,
  • I got a niece, an ugly girl, she got married,
  • she's happy, she met an ugly guy.
  • - Right?
  • - And today they got two very ugly kids.
  • - Ugly kids, yes-
  • (enthusiastic laughter and applause)
  • - In fact they're all so ugly,
  • in a family album they only keep the negatives.
  • (audience laughter)
  • I'll tell you what's more important
  • than looks is love, you gotta have love.
  • - Love is important-
  • - I got plenty of love in me Johnny.
  • - That's the main thing-
  • - I love a lot of things. - Love.
  • - I love sports, I love music and one of my kids.
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • - How many kids do you have?
  • - I got two kids, I love my kids.
  • - Yeah, I know that-
  • - You know I love my kids of course
  • but our boy gives me trouble lately-
  • - Yeah, really?
  • - He's at the age now he copies everything.
  • He sees something he copies it,
  • this kid imitates everything you know.
  • That's why we got rid of the dog.
  • (audience laughter)
  • - I know they're very impressionable at that age-
  • - It's a peculiar feeling
  • with your son standing there with one leg up-
  • - Yes I know what you mean, of course-
  • - No offense, but when we got rid of the dog,
  • I was just kidding around, that's all.
  • - How's your health?
  • Are you in good health?
  • - Oh, very good, very good.
  • There's no love in the house, that hurts my health too.
  • - No love in the house, oh- - Sure-
  • - Excuse me, we weren't ready to to health yet-
  • - We weren't ready to go to health yet-
  • - Sure, there's no love in the house you know?
  • My wife is an easy person to get along with, you know that.
  • Oh, my wife, are you kidding-
  • I could tell you stories of my wife sometime.
  • Or else I might have a few drinks
  • sometime I'll start talking.
  • - Really?
  • - When I drink I talk, you know-
  • My wife's a cold person Johnny.
  • - I'm sorry.
  • - Her side of the waterbed is frozen.
  • (audience laughter)
  • Very cold place, I never got love when I was a kid either.
  • My brother got the love, he was much neater than I was.
  • My room was messed up, I didn't care.
  • My brother's room was in order, his towels lined up neatly,
  • combs, brushes, hair's all in the right place,
  • what does it mean, what is it today?
  • He's an attendant in a men's room, what does it mean-
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • It's embarrassing how your brother works in the men's room.
  • People say "Hey Rodney, what kind
  • "of work does your brother do?"
  • I don't know what to say, I tell them
  • he's in business for himself- - Yeah, that's good.
  • - They say "Yeah, what kind of business, a big business?"
  • Well, "I'll put it this way, if he closed up tomorrow
  • "a lot of people would suffer".
  • - That's true.
  • (audience laughter)
  • - But the whole thing is, you wanna be happy?
  • Do the work you like, that's what you gonna do,
  • the work you like, that's important.
  • Do the work you like, and my friend the doctor,
  • Dr. Vinnie Boombatz- - Ah, how is he-
  • - He told me- - How is the doctor-
  • - The most important thing is
  • never take your work home with you-
  • - Love to take their work home-
  • - A lot of times they take their work home with them.
  • - Right.
  • - There's a guy in my neighborhood, a traffic cop.
  • A traffic cop for 20 years Johnny,
  • can't forget he's a traffic cop.
  • Takes his work home with him, it's ridiculous.
  • Makes love to his wife, tells her to pull over.
  • - That's bad, that's bad- - It's very bad.
  • - But as long as you have your health,
  • I suppose that's the main thing.
  • - Health is the most important thing, you know that Johnny.
  • Health, as you mentioned before with tennis,
  • I mean you gotta cut out tennis for a while-
  • - I do, yeah- - But tennis is very good.
  • When you get back in shape, play tennis, it's very good.
  • I don't play tennis, I can't play tennis.
  • - Why's that? - I'm not the tennis type.
  • - With tennis you gotta be rich and come from Connecticut.
  • Hi, we're taking Dad's car. That's deuce.
  • I can't do that stuff.
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • Now with tennis, it's good, that's how you lose weight.
  • You burn up energy, you lose calories that way.
  • The doctors say all kinds of exercise is great.
  • You burn up energy, you lose calories right?
  • In fact doctors say when a man makes love to a woman,
  • he burns up energy, he loses 150 calories.
  • I made love to a girl once and lost even more.
  • I lost 150 calories, my watch and my wallet.
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • But you gotta eat the right food-
  • - Right, foods like fish- - Very good, fish.
  • - Fish is important- - Sea food-
  • - Brain food- - Sea food, Johnny,
  • very good, you know me, I love sea food.
  • I don't like sea food restaurants.
  • - Oh really?
  • - They got no originality, they all got the same sign.
  • The fish you eat today slept last night in some bay.
  • I'll tell you when I order fish,
  • I'm only interested in how it's prepared.
  • I don't care where the fish slept, if it slept,
  • who it slept it, it makes no difference to me at all.
  • (laughter)
  • In fact I think a fish will taste much better
  • if it was bad morally, that's how I feel about it.
  • (audience laughter)
  • - An immoral fish is probably better.
  • - Fish is very good...
  • I don't like classy restaurants,
  • those classy seafood restaurants.
  • When you order lobster, before they cook it
  • why do they have to show it you before?
  • Once I was out with a girl and I was trying to impress her,
  • I liked this girl too Johnny, I took her to a nice place,
  • had a few drinks, relaxed, it was beautiful.
  • I'm trying to impress the girl,
  • it was nice, romantic, it was gorgeous.
  • And then a waiter came over "Are these two okay?"
  • (audience laughter)
  • When the lobster came I was really finished.
  • I was trying to impress the girl how manly I was.
  • I sat in a manly position, I looked at her very manly,
  • and then the waiter put a bib on me.
  • (audience laughter and applause)
  • - I don't like classy restaurants.
  • - You don't like classy restaurants.
  • - I like to eat at home- - Home.
  • - Home I don't have to worry
  • about a tie and a jacket, nothing.
  • You want something else, no big production, no waiters.
  • You open the refrigerator and see what's around.
  • I've got a refrigerator at home
  • that I can't forget, it's very deceiving.
  • My refrigerator, it's always full, there's nothing to eat.
  • We got in our refrigerator like a half bottle of flat soda.
  • A cup with a broken egg in it.
  • (audience laughter)
  • This broken egg has been laying there for four months,
  • just waiting for somebody to scramble it.
  • (audience laughter)
  • We have one bottle of ketchup that we use,
  • then we have another bottle of ketchup that's almost empty.
  • It's been there now for a year and a half.
  • (audience laughter)
  • And there's one thing more in our refrigerator,
  • a big pot takes up a whole shelf.
  • And the only thing that's in this big pot
  • is a half a boiled potato.
  • - It just sits there-
  • And with my wife, since I met her
  • every time I hear the same thing
  • "Finish it, I'm only gonna throw it out".
  • Somehow I get the feeling she only gives me
  • to eat what she's gonna throw out.
  • What's really annoying with my wife,
  • the way she serves the meal.
  • - Serves badly? - It's terrible.
  • I mean you put down a steak, how do you forget the plate?
  • (audience laughter)

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Description

Rodney Dangerfield delivered so many jokes that night, Carson had to break for commercials. Originally aired September 2, 1974 on the Tonight Show.

# “When I was a kid, my old man didn't help me either. I asked my old man if I can go ice skating on the lake, he told me to wait 'till it gets warmer.”
# “My wife's a cold person. Her side of the waterbed is frozen.”
# “Doctors say when a man makes love to a woman, he burns up energy, he loses 150 calories. I made love to a girl once and lost even more. I lost 150 calories, my watch and my wallet.”

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