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Ari Shaffir - Hunt for the Edible - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

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Apr 25, 2017

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Ari Shaffir - Hunt for the Edible - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored
Ari Shaffir - Hunt for the Edible - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb Ari Shaffir - Hunt for the Edible - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb Ari Shaffir - Hunt for the Edible - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored thumb

Transcription

  • - Yeah, somebody's like, "That's cheating."
  • I'm like, "This is fucking drug hiding.
  • There's no... there's no rules."
  • This isn't Milton Bradley, all right?
  • Fucking they won. They did it exactly right.
  • They got the pot, and they ate it.
  • [police siren blaring in the distance]
  • [dark electronic music]
  • [coughs]
  • Ha! Yes! [laughs]
  • Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
  • Yeah! Yeah!
  • Yeah!
  • [truck horn honks]
  • [cheers and applause]
  • He's got his own podcast called "The Skeptic Tank."
  • Please give it up for Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody!
  • [cheers and applause]
  • I-I go to UFC events a lot, and my friend gets me tickets--
  • Joe Rogan. He's my buddy.
  • And I like to get high.
  • I like to get super fucking high and go to UFC events.
  • The first three or four were really fun, you know.
  • It was exciting, people punching each other,
  • but then it got fucking boring after a little bit,
  • so I needed to get blasted on marijuana edibles.
  • Yeah, my friend's like, "How do you smuggle 'em in?"
  • I'm like, "In your stomach, that's how you smuggle them in."
  • Just as soon as you get to the parking lot,
  • you just eat that shit and then
  • fucking have a great time at the UFC.
  • It's, like, six hours long.
  • Those pot cookies last sometimes six, seven hours.
  • And we--in L.A., we have the best system.
  • You just go to a dispensary like a fucking gentleman,
  • stop by a store, say, "What are you doing?"
  • Like, "I'm going to a UFC event."
  • They're like, "Oh, I got just the cake for you,"
  • and they'll fucking pick one out.
  • They'll help you with it, too.
  • Anyway, so we take these pot breath strips.
  • Have you guys ever had the pot breath strips,
  • the marijuana breath strips?
  • No?
  • All right, well-- You've had them.
  • They're great. They come two to a pack.
  • They're in those little, like, Ziploc bags--
  • the ones that are, like, that big,
  • the ones that are, like, only for drugs.
  • [laughter]
  • There's nothing else you have to keep fresh in that size.
  • Like, what else--
  • What, you have to keep one apple seed
  • from going sour?
  • I don't know how they manufacture those
  • and think they're for anything else.
  • They're for fucking heroin and crack
  • and a little bit of pot edibles, so...
  • They're breath strips.
  • They're like Listerine breath strips, but they have--
  • I don't know how they make them--
  • scientists, pothead scientists that put marijuana in them.
  • The proper dose is half of one.
  • They come two to a pack, so it's a party for four.
  • And you have to fold it in half and crease it
  • and then tear it in half.
  • You eat half. The other person eats half.
  • It does not make your breath smell good, by the way.
  • Yeah, it makes it smell like weed.
  • You need a real breath strip after you're done with it.
  • So one time I took a full one.
  • Oh, no, I took one and a quarter,
  • 'cause somebody wasn't gonna join in.
  • So we're like, "Fuck it. Let's just keep going."
  • And I was high for 27 hours.
  • [laughter]
  • Yeah, it's too long to be high for.
  • I woke up in the morning. I was like, "I'm really groggy."
  • And then by 3:00 p.m., I'm like, "Why am I still groggy?
  • Oh, I'm high as shit. I'm still super high."
  • So I take them with Joey Diaz.
  • We take them. We sit there.
  • We're like, "Oh, I kind of feel them."
  • And then after a while, we're like...
  • Like, you just get blasted.
  • It's a fun way to watch the fights.
  • It really is.
  • It's hard to score the cards...
  • like, to score the rounds.
  • Like, "Who's winning?"
  • I'm like, "I don't know.
  • "They're both trying really hard.
  • "I know they're both good at sweating,
  • "so maybe one round apiece.
  • I don't know."
  • Yeah, when somebody does get like, "He won 30-27,"
  • you're like, "Oh, so close!"
  • And everyone's like, "It was a blowout."
  • You're like, "Well, I don't know, man.
  • I don't know."
  • It's the best way to watch fights.
  • And I would tell people on podcasts and stuff
  • and on Twitter how I did it,
  • and people are like, "Oh, that sounds so cool."
  • And after a while, I was like, I feel bad for the people
  • who can't live life like a California person does,
  • you know, doesn't have access
  • to the medical grade marijuana shit we have all the time.
  • So I decided I was gonna, like, bring some to Vegas
  • to a fight and just give 'em to a fan,
  • and just let him watch a UFC the way I watch UFC,
  • fucking obliterated out of my mind
  • on a marijuana edible.
  • And instead of just handing it to somebody,
  • I decided I was gonna have a scavenger hunt.
  • Yeah, so Rogan does the weigh-ins on Friday afternoons,
  • and then the fights are on Saturday night.
  • So half the stadium will get shut down for the weigh-ins,
  • and I can walk back there with him.
  • So I have access to half of the MGM Grand Garden Arena.
  • I can just walk around, and I just hid stuff.
  • I just--they're, like, that small, they hide anywhere.
  • So I taped it to the bottom of a men's bathroom sink,
  • and then I made a bunch of clues.
  • Like, on the second floor, I made a bunch of clues,
  • and I put 'em on Twitter, like, every two minutes.
  • I timed 'em out for when the fight started the next day.
  • One was like, "If you want to get high, go up a level,"
  • you know, I made-- second floor, you know?
  • And then, like, "Don't forget to relieve yourself
  • before a long trip," shit like that.
  • And eventually somebody got to the bathroom.
  • He followed the clues,
  • got to the bathroom, was like, "I think it's here,"
  • and fucking went underneath the sink
  • and pulled off this little drug bag.
  • And he fucking did it. He had a great time.
  • Yeah, I felt like Robin Hood, everybody.
  • It was wonderful.
  • [cheers and applause]
  • It's the power of giving.
  • And I started doing it more and more.
  • I got off on it.
  • For 20 bucks, you could make someone's day.
  • I would tape them to a pillar, like, down here,
  • just this small, you know?
  • You can just tape it right there.
  • And I went to see if, um, somebody found it,
  • and I was walking by the section it was in.
  • Like, this is, like, three fights later.
  • I went by like this to, like, see.
  • And some usher comes by, and he goes,
  • "What you're looking for is no longer here."
  • [laughter] Yeah.
  • I guess a bunch of people had come by, like, looking.
  • 'Cause that's the thing-- I don't tweet, like,
  • "Hey, party's over. Somebody found it."
  • I just, like, put the clues out,
  • and then when somebody gets it, they get it.
  • Oh, it's great. It's so much fun.
  • And then I started doing it at comedy shows, too.
  • One time I just taped those breath strips
  • to the bottom of a chair in Philadelphia,
  • and then I wrote on Twitter-- no clues.
  • It was like, if you follow me, look under your chair.
  • If you find it, you get it.
  • If not, somebody at the next show will get it.
  • If not, somebody at the next show will get it.
  • So the very first show, Wednesday night,
  • these two, like, 22-year-old kids--
  • they just waited till the show was over
  • and went under all the chairs.
  • Yeah, and they found it.
  • Yeah, somebody's like, "That's cheating."
  • I'm like, "This is fucking drug hiding.
  • There's no... there's no rules."
  • This isn't Milton Bradley, all right?
  • Fucking they won. They did it exactly right.
  • They got the pot, and they ate it.
  • So, yeah, it was a lot of fun.
  • One time I hid a lollipop in Austin,
  • outside in the parking lot, outside Cap City Comedy Club.
  • And some pregnant lady found it.
  • - Ha! - Yeah.
  • She was like, "Is this safe to eat?"
  • And I'm like, "I don't think they've done any studies
  • "on that at all, so...
  • Yeah, eat it. I would eat it."
  • Better safe than sorry, you know?
  • 'Cause what if she didn't eat it,
  • and then they do tests, like, years later,
  • and they find out it would've been safe
  • and she didn't eat it?
  • She'd never forgive herself.
  • [laughter]
  • Is that what "better safe than sorry" means?
  • Am I interpreting it right?
  • So my friends are like, "You're gonna get in trouble."
  • I'm like, "I'm not gonna get in trouble. I'll be fine.
  • I'll be totally fine," because I'm a good person.
  • I'm like Robin Hood.
  • Robin Hood didn't get in trouble, did he?
  • [laughter]
  • All right, anyway, back to my story.
  • So I was in the Mall of America,
  • and people are like, "Are you gonna bring those"--
  • We called it "hunt for the edible."
  • That's what I did.
  • That was a hashtag on Twitter-- "hunt for the edible."
  • And I would delete all the clues after somebody found them.
  • I would go back there and fucking delete them all.
  • Anyway, I was in Mall of America.
  • I was like, "Well, what better place to bring fucking drugs...
  • you know?
  • So I hid, uh, I hid these marijuana breath strips
  • in an underwear aisle of a J. Crew
  • at the Mall of America.
  • Yeah, there was a--there was a comedy club upstairs.
  • Rick Bronson's House Of Comedy was all the way upstairs,
  • and I hid it, and then I made a bunch of clues.
  • And, I mean, this is big. Mall of America's massive.
  • There was, like, 50 people
  • running around the Mall of America
  • looking for these pot breath strips.
  • And, anyway, I sent out all the clues
  • on, like, auto-release.
  • So, every two minutes, one would go out.
  • And then I was outside my show getting ready to go on.
  • I was just texting, and all of a sudden,
  • I heard somebody to my right, "Ari, can we talk to you?"
  • And I looked up, and it was a Mall of America cop.
  • Yeah, and then on my left
  • was a Minneapolis, like, state trooper.
  • And I was like, "Well, fuck. All right."
  • [laughs] And I was like, "What's going on?"
  • And they go, "Did you hide drugs
  • in the underwear aisle of a J. Crew?"
  • [laughter]
  • And, I mean, I was gonna deny it,
  • but that wasn't a lucky guess, you know?
  • Like, they must've already known at some point.
  • They're not just going to random people--
  • "Did you hide drugs at a J. Crew underwear aisle?"
  • No.
  • So I was like, "Yeah, I did, so?"
  • And they're like, "That's super illegal here."
  • I'm like, "Yeah, obviously. I'm really scared."
  • By the way, mall cops, in general,
  • they can go fuck themselves.
  • They don't have any power whatsoever.
  • I was with Dice once, and he was smoking in a mall.
  • I think at the Beverly Center.
  • And I was like, "What are you doing, man?
  • You can't smoke in a mall."
  • And he goes, "Really? I'm smoking, so..."
  • [laughter]
  • Yeah.
  • And then some mall cop comes up.
  • He's like, "You got to put that cigarette out."
  • He goes, "Okay," and he fucking stamps it out
  • and was like, "There. Sorry."
  • And then we walked away.
  • And I'm like, "See, you got in trouble."
  • He's like, "No, I smoked half a cigarette.
  • You smoked none."
  • Good point, Dice Man. Good point.
  • So, uh...
  • But these Mall of America cops, they're, like, top shelf.
  • Of those shitty mall cops, they're the best of the best.
  • They have their own jail and stuff.
  • So I had to talk my way out of it with the mall cop
  • and with the fucking state trooper.
  • And so Rick Brunson-- he got on the phone.
  • He lives in Edmonton.
  • The guy who owned the comedy club got on the phone with me.
  • He goes, "Don't smile. I'm gonna talk to you.
  • "Don't smile, 'cause they're looking at you, so...
  • "No matter what I say. Act like I'm yelling, I guess.
  • I don't know."
  • He goes, "First of all, I don't give a shit.
  • "Like, I know this is an early booking for you,
  • "but we'll have you back-- don't worry about it.
  • "But I can talk you out of trouble with the mall cops.
  • "They wanted to ban you from the mall forever,
  • but that's not gonna happen."
  • He goes, "Did you hide acid at an H&M?"
  • And I was like, "No."
  • [laughter]
  • "Is that what people are saying?"
  • And he goes, "Yeah."
  • I'm like, "No. I mean, yeah, keep saying that.
  • "That sounds way cooler, but, no.
  • I hid marijuana at a J. Crew."
  • And... and he goes, "What is it?"
  • I'm like, "It's marijuana breath strips."
  • He goes, "They make your breath smell good?"
  • I'm like, "No, they do not.
  • They make your breath smell awful."
  • And he goes, "Well, listen,
  • "okay, you're for sure going to jail.
  • "I can get you out of trouble with the mall cop,
  • "but the Minneapolis trooper-- like, you're going to jail.
  • "But I need you to do me a favor, man.
  • "Next time you come,
  • I was like, "All right, fine."
  • And so I got back.
  • They start calling,
  • like, anyone else in town that could headline the show,
  • 'cause I'm not gonna be able to, you know?
  • Right then, some fan, by the way, came over.
  • A lot of times my fans give me, like, weed on the road,
  • which is pretty cool.
  • And some lady, she, like-- into her purse.
  • She's like, "Ari, can I talk to you?"
  • 'Cause the cops are behind me by, like, five feet.
  • And I was just like, "No, no, don't."
  • Like, I'm like... you know?
  • It's that thing when you open up the door and a cop's there.
  • Like, "Everything all right?"
  • Like, "Yeah, everything's fine," you know?
  • But I had to say it without saying it, you know?
  • And so I was like, "No, no."
  • But then it was just Swedish Fish, so...
  • So, anyway, so this Minneapolis trooper,
  • he's like, "Explain to me what happened here,"
  • and I was like, "I-I hide...you know...
  • "marijuana across the country...
  • "in, like, different areas to give people the experience
  • of what it's like to live in California."
  • And he was like, "You sell this stuff?"
  • I'm like, "No, I don't sell it. I just give it away.
  • I'm like Johnny Appleseed, I guess."
  • [laughs] Like--like--Johnny Appleweed!
  • Fuck!
  • [audience groaning]
  • For sure that's what I should have said!
  • [cheers and applause]
  • And I'm like, "First of all,
  • how did you find out that I did that?"
  • And he goes, "Here's your Twitter feed, man.
  • "It's just a list of clues.
  • "It's just you going, 'Here are the drugs I'm about to hide.'
  • "And then the next one's like,
  • "'Here's where I'm hiding the drugs.'
  • "And then fucking 17 clues
  • on how to find the place where you hid the drugs.
  • He's like, "I'm not gonna get my fucking detective badge
  • for this."
  • And I guess what happened was
  • the first guy to follow the clue went in there,
  • found it, went right to the underwear aisle,
  • was like, "Oh, here it is," was like, "Yeah!"
  • And then he left, and then somebody else
  • was following the clues, like, two minutes behind,
  • and they went in there, and they're like,
  • "Oh, nothing's there," and they go,
  • "It must be here somewhere," and they just start fucking...
  • throwing shit around in the underwear aisle
  • of the J. Crew until they got kicked out.
  • And then five minutes later, somebody else would come in
  • and just start fucking throwing--
  • Like, "Where the fuck are these drugs?"
  • It happened, like, eight or nine times to them,
  • and they're like, "Are we in the worst terrorist attack
  • of all time?"
  • So then somebody called one of the employees
  • and was like, "Hey, I saw there's some drugs
  • being hid under your thing," and they found me.
  • It was super easy to find me, and so...
  • this cop was like, "All right, so explain to me what it is.
  • It's marijuana inside a breath strip?"
  • I'm like, "Yeah."
  • He asked me the same--"Does it make your breath smell?"
  • "No, it's terrible."
  • And I think he thought
  • I was just, like, a good person, I guess.
  • [sighs] And I didn't have any ill intention.
  • I wasn't selling it. I wasn't trying to make a profit.
  • I was just giving it to people-- Johnny Appleweed.
  • [laughter]
  • And he goes, "So explain this to me,
  • "was it a real breath strip,
  • or was it a marijuana breath strip?"
  • And I was like, "It was a marijuana breath strip."
  • And he goes, "No, no, no, was it a real breath strip,
  • or was it a marijuana breath strip?"
  • And I was like, "You no, no, no.
  • "You didn't hear what I just said?
  • "I just told you the fucking answer, idiot.
  • "You fucking hard of hearing?
  • It was a marijuana breath strip."
  • And he goes, "No, idiot, listen to what I'm saying to you
  • "out loud where people can hear me.
  • "Was it a real breath strip,
  • or was it a marijuana breath strip?"
  • And I was like, "Oh, ho, ho, ho, all right.
  • "Oh, man, I misunderstood the question completely
  • "the last two times.
  • "I did not get that at all.
  • "Now that I hear it completely,
  • "I'd like to strike from the record my other two answers,
  • "'cause those were completely wrong.
  • "Uh, that was a real breath strip.
  • I hid a real breath strip in the J. Crew underwear aisle."
  • And he goes, "Well, then that's just mischief,
  • "so I don't see a crime here.
  • Go apologize to the manager of the J. Crew."
  • And he let me off,
  • and that is when I figured out what white privilege is.
  • [laughter, cheers, and applause]

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Description

While high at a UFC fight, Ari Shaffir had a genius idea about setting up a scavenger hunt for his fans, which he continued to do until he ran into trouble with the cops.

Watch full episodes of This Is Not Happening now: http://www.cc.com/shows/this-is-not-happening/full-episodes

Follow Ari Shaffir on Twitter: https://twitter.com/arishaffir